Klatuu
Welcome One and All,
Much has happened since you last joined me for a discussion of
random events and such (with whatnot excluded of course, and et cetera
included).
School is winding down as I write this, which means I can
finally devote some time to things that I normally wouldn’t,
like people and I don’t know, Forklifts.
I write this particular update after a most excellent night of
assorted social gatherings and “parties”, if you will, so the once
youthful good looks of myself and suitemembers have been ravaged by
Long Nights, the Cruel Hands of Time, and in Steve’s case – excessive
tobacco consumption that borders on severe addiction. Oh, I’ll tell
that story later. In any case, Status Report:
Steve: Mentally and
Physically Broken, a shadow of his former, jovial self. Steve spends
little time now doing anything besides drinking, smoking, and whatever
else you can do with a Beer in One hand and a Cigarette in the other.
Jerry: Obviously “Hungover” but refuses to believe it is possible
because in his words “I don’t get hungover.” Can barely lift his own
weight from his black swivel chair after consuming over a half dozen
“Bacardi Ultra Gay Orange Fizz Rizzers*” in a One Hour Period.
Although Jerry too is broken mentally and physically, he still manages
to bring me great enjoyment with his willingness to provide myself and
others with quality film’s to view. Everyone should watch a Movie
featuring a Caulkin family member. I don’t care which one, just pick,
you indecisive Goat Gulpers.
* – 5% Alcohol by Volume (That’s
probably the same as Flinstone’s Vitamins)
PJ – He is not exactly here right now, I think he went to West
Virginia (Something about Counting Birds). His status was last noted
on April 25-26 when I offered him 5 dollars to make out with Cara. He
refused, but only because he didn’t have 5 dollars to back himself up,
since he lost it to Dave Stack playing “Gay Frisbee Club Poker
Round-Up Texas Baseball 7-Card-Draw” or whatever he made us play that
night. Note: I won $4.25 that Night in Nickels, Dimes and Quarters and
Today I met Dave Stack’s Mother and Grandmother. I was scarcely aware
Dave Stack had any living relatives, as he seemed to be an inner city
orphan bicyclist of some sort.
Evan: Apparently he was involved in
some kind of rape incident over the weekend (I’m pretty sure he didn’t
get raped and that he didn’t rape anyone else. I think he tried to
bust up some rape-ring or something?) Evan sleeps till 4:00 every
weekend anyway, so I can’t judge his physical status. Mentally, he
seems better, but he is still quite suicidal. But hey, that is what
keeps us on our toes around here. He possesses some pictures of me
that I will need to obtain.
Chris (Riechy): I don’t really keep
track of where Chris goes anymore – I just know he does it for the
kids. The Music-Oriented ones anyway. I saw him lastnight at a party
where I basically just handed out Camel Turkish Golds to everyone I
could find. If anyone has seen those Turkish Golds, please let me
know. Chris provided me with moderately humorous chit chat so we could
look “Cool.” Then we made fun of Jerry for passing out on a Sofa from
drinking the aforementioned “Bacardi Ultra Gay Orange Fizz
Rizzers*” Chris seems in Good Spirits, even though his Dark Lord of
Music forces him to commit unholy acts in the name of the demonic
incantations D# and E.
* – 5% Alcohol by Volume
Me: I feel very excellent right now, and have no cancer. The story
of my weekend is this: Total Racquetball Domination. I have once and
for schooled Steve in the grand Tradition of David and Goliath, with
my mix of speed and agility confronting Steve Grubb’s “Bigness.” Both
games were fought on an epic scale of Racquetball Conflict – I myself
Sustained numerous injuries resulting from the fact that both of us
were hitting the ball as if it were a rocket propelled grenade heading
for a church full of sweet, sweet candy. My domination was apparent
when Steve collapsed at the end of Game 2 in a breakdown of all his
musculoskeletal systems. Steve was so winded from the game (possibly
due to his 4 pack a weekend cigarette habit) that I was actually
worried I might have to remember some form of cardiopulmonary
resuscitation. I swear to God, his nose was running from some form of
dehydration and his limbs were as unresponsive as Stevie Wonder at a
Laser Light Show. I myself was mildly fatigued.
Status Report
Completed.
Recent Highlights Include:
– PJ constructing a hat from
a case of Beast
– Evan busting a rape ring
– Jerry bringing forth
Igby Goes Down
– Kona providing us with Sex on the Beach
–
Free CANDY
– Me being as social as Dom Deloise at a Cooking
Convention
– Spitting flaming Vodka
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Guys, the Suite needs some work. I blame |
Basically, I’m Tired of Writing Now,
However, I may well update in a short amount of time –
I have stories to tell.
But in my Grand Tradition (or
should I say Tardition?) of Movies and Movie Quotes:
Klaatu:
In matters of aggression, we have given them absolute power over us.
This power cannot be revoked. At the first signs of violence, they act
automatically against the aggressor. The penalty for provoking their
action is too terrible to risk.