Way To Die!
Today at work I asked myself, “Self, how would you like to die?”
Disregard the morbidity of that statement and ask yourself:
Would I prefer the tortured agony of a fiery inferno? Or am I more of the “instant, painless C4 blast” kind of guy?
I have developed a few categories of death that tend to charaterize your personality. (Arranged from hot to cold)
1) Explosion – You have a fiery personality. The kind of “Let’s go” or “balls out” enthusiasm that few truly possess. Mainly those who have nothing to lose: i.e. Bounty Hunters, Vampire Hunters, Chronic Gamblers, and People who own lots of Dynamite – or work in close proximity to explosives.
2) Fire/Smoke Inhalation – Those tough bastards who like “the heat” if you will. Those people who feel the hardest path is the best path. Usually Brave, but sometimes foolish. Occupation’s like Government Bureaucrat, Ailing Dictator, and any occupation that requires a deathwish.
3) Dehydration – Who chooses dehydration? This one is just retarded. Occupations include, clearly, retards, but can also be those with no zeal left for life. Army/Navy Bombing Site Protester, Telephone Company Worker, and those with a fear of water.
4) Blood Loss – Can result from Internal/External Trauma and Horrible Flesh Eating Viruses. Does not include Cancer, Hemophelia and the like – since those are really inherited and not chosen. These are the kind of people that like dangerous work, but usually prefer the thrill of life to the searing pain of a rotary drill bit – they just love to hang onto life, and the result is usually a bloody battle to the end. Occupations: Shark Hunter, Professional Arms Dealer, Swordsman, Psychopath.
5) Freezing/Drowning – Incidents in which the individual elects for a somewhat less painful death. Usually means they were peaceful, calm, or submissive in life. Usually somewhat attracted to positions invloving a slow atrophy of the human will to live. Occupations: Accountant, National Geographic Photographer, Hentai Anime Reviewer.
If your ideal death does not fit these categories, blend the two or three that most closely resemble yours. If that doesn’t work, just calm the hell down – I’m really not all that serious.
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If any wants to know – I always wanted to go down like Quint in the end of Jaws, brandishing my machete in a valiant attempt to strike down my attacker. Or, if that is impossible – Like Obi-Wan in Star Wars.
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New Poll of Deaths —->
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“Let my angry silence be your Guide.”