Posted in Random on February 29th, 2004 by admin

I always feel bad when I do an “obligated” update, but there has been too
much social interaction in the last few days for me to just ignore it.

In Chronological Order:

– PJ, regardless of how I sounded, Keller Williams doe snot sound like early
dave mathews. Frankly, it bothered me that he had a song based loosely on my
middle name. I overreacted, I’m Sorry. No one deserves to be connoted with Dave

– Sara M, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is our Common Bond. Let it never die. However,
I would like to note that I feel no different than a year ago, and my beard
should not dissuade you. I still wear shorts when it’s 10 Degrees, and Poke Fun
at Jerry. Only now, I wear a different jacket and Hate American Idol even more.
I’m glad to say, Mischa Barton does, indeed, keep the OC bearable. Oh Two
Things: A skirt and Pants? and… Wow, you were Super Hyper when you saw Me and
J-Dawg. Of course, it was 24 Degrees, So I wont fault you for squirming like a
kielbasa on a hot griddle.

Jenny – Although Initially Pained by your Comments about different people
disliking me ( I don’t mind being hated, as long as its for my Fascist and
Politically Incorrect temperament) I quickly recovered and realized your company
added an uncanny dynamic into the intricate pre-off campus social web. Sweet,
Sweet, memories. Sweet, Sweet, Free candy on the 1st Floor.

Kona, perhaps the only example of a successful JMU graduate. It all boiled down
to when you asked for a menu item that didn’t have the word “Gigantic” in the
title. For many reasons, you epitomized what was Right, and what was wrong with
the World We Live in. I applaud you, but I still believe your Dog is in fact

Jerry, Your shenanigans never get old. And, you owe me at least 3 Dollars.


There’s nothing better than the feeling you get from buying 3 donuts and coffee
from a gas station at 12:40 in the AM. Case Closed.

Anthony: “One morning, over at Elizabeth’s beach house, she
asked me if I’d rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only
did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another
water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my


Oh, where can I get one of those wonderful jumpsuits?


Posted in Random on February 28th, 2004 by admin

I never thought finding a god damn jacket that I liked would be so tough. I
almost considered waiting till England to buy myself something like it, but then
it dawned on me, “Should it take an international plane trip just to satisfy my
desire for a non ‘trucker-like’ article of clothing?”

As luck would have it – 16 Bucks at T.J. Maxx.


Apparently Poker has come back into Style.

My BEARD has been the subject of another denigrating remark.

ABSOLUT CITRON is still fiercely gay.


The Cork Shadowbox dream is becoming a reality, largely due to my persistence
in the “Find things where People Impersonate the Retarded” Field of Interest.
The one and only 8 x 10 photo of Steve Martin as Ruprecht the Monkey Boy will no
longer be relegated to some hollywood hack’s urine-soaked basement.

Restaurant Rating:

– El Charro – Margarita’s are Good. Food is Authentic. Chips are Plentiful.
Female populace of the Restaurant is Attractive. Male Populace is old, and
mostly fat.

– Mints are 5 for $1.00

I felt bad for making Jerry Drive me to the West End of Rural Harrisonburg,
popularly known as “Hell’s Anus,” so that’s what I did to cheer him up. No, not
“Hell’s Anus” Him, go to El Charro.

Also, I feel someone has an alcohol problem when they have consumed a case of
bud before 3 PM. Send Steve’s Family your condolences.

and, In Summary……

Jackson Bentley: “What attracts you personally to the desert?”
T.E. Lawrence: “It’s clean.”


Posted in Random on February 25th, 2004 by admin

You know who’s a Great Actor? No, not Ashton Kutcher. Get the hell off this
website, sicko.

Michael Caine.

Despite being at least a Competent Actor, He made lots of
Movies that were Crap. Total Crap. That’s good.

When he was younger he was convinced he would never make any money
acting, so he did every script that came in the mail. If he wasn’t doing
anything he would say, “Oh Hell, they’ll pay me 500 Deutschmarks for 4 weeks
work. What the Karmalkamf..”

“Over the years I did a lot of crap… and made a lot of money.”

[about starring in ‘Jaws: The Revenge’]…

“I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I
have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”

Sheer body of work, that’s what it amounted to. I’ll never forget Emil
Shophausen and Lawrence Jamieson


In Other News:

This Passion of the Christ Movie looks pretty hardcore. I don’t really
believe in Jesus or God or Anything, but I can admire the sacrifice. Although, I
should point out that the Passion is really just the scene in Braveheart where
Mel Gibson gets disemboweled drawn out for 2 hours.

In Yet another unrelated Matter, you know what a Great TV Program is? Great
Chefs. It’s on the Travel Channel.

I used to watch TV to entertain myself, now I do it to relax. They are
actually quite different. I hate things where I have to listen attentively, I
listen attentively all day. That’s what I do in my Lectures. I like Great Chefs
because I can just absorb what they teach. I figure, I might as well have a
quiet Portuguese man Romance me through his Interesting Methods of Cooking, and
Peaceful rhythmic intonations, and maybe I’ll even pick up a language here or
there – maybe even a Recipe for Asparagus* Soup.

* The Single Most Underrated Vegetable. It’s delicious.


Posted in Random on February 22nd, 2004 by admin

After Purchasing an Enjoyable Marya Stewart lamp to augment the lighting in my room, I can safely say that my Room is 67% less gloomy, with a 45% Gain in Jazziness. It’s the little things that make all the diffrence.

On a sad note: Jen told me this website sucks. Now, I can’t exactly argue otherwise, but I would like to remind everyone that this website is run by one person – Me. Well, possibly two, if you count Lowtax, whose teachings have been more influential to me over the years than Jesus “The Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson” Christ and The Prophet “Free AK-47’s for Everyone” Muhammad have been to crazy religous people everywhere. Simply put, one man cannot be expected to put up entertaining articles every single day, or even once a week for that matter.

However, to appease Jen, I told her I would write about people she knew – heres what I’ve got.

Jen: She is alive and Well, living in…….Northern Cambodia, with a small group of crazy religous people, who kill everyone that comes up the river. Much like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Carrie: (Who I believe Lives with Jen) Is involved in a class action lawsuit against the makers of Pine-Sol, for deliberate defamation of Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean’s Image, and his Relationship with Mrs. Clean.

Inna: (Who, also, I believe lives with Jen) Is quite involved with being Russian. That is all I know.

Suck It Trebek, I mean Jen.


Anyway, In recent events

– PJ does an alarmingly good dance number with some woman while heavily intoxicated

– The apartment is fresh and clean, for 4 whole hours

– We may be filling the empty room with a small girl who hates Zane Showker Hall. That’s my kind of Roommate.

Love and a Bullet

Thats the Only Movie Ive Seen that Mixes Cooking Cornbread, Killing, and Young, Black Urban Males. For Comical Effect.

Casablanca – PJ

Posted in Random on February 17th, 2004 by admin

Having Seen last Weekend only through my Viewpoint, I cannot truly
Comment on how Insane the bulk of it was.

The only Man who can speak on the Sheer Level of Chaos I presume to
have Occured is one PJ Williamson, and none of us wants to Tread into
that dark and horrible region of humanity.

Official MP3 for Reading this Update:


A Mere Boy, PJ enjoys some Apple Juice

No longer a Mere Boy, He Enjoys the Drink of Men: Beer.
Also, Notice How I’m Oddly Caressing Jerry’s Shoulder.

Click Here To See a Man Lick PJ’s Ear

Click Here
To See A Special Edition of the Above-Right Picture, Supposing We Were
Killed By a Drunk Driver


Anyway, Besides the Cleaning and the now Infamous Chocolate Cake
Fiasco, It was a Fun Time.


In Other News:

– Twin Dinners In Staunton and Harrisonburg were Quite Fun. Good Job
K-Dawg and J-Dawg.

– Pretty Soon Valentines Day Candy Goes on Sale = Shopping Spree

– Never, Ever, eat only Chocolate in a Day

– 21 Days Till Break


Captain Renault:
In 1935, you ran guns to Ethiopia. In 1936, you fought in Spain, on the
Loyalist side.
I got well paid for it on both occasions.
Captain Renault:
The winning side would have paid you much better.


Never Before has a Man Looked So Good in a White Tux.

Space Chocolate

Posted in Random on February 14th, 2004 by admin

Today, I continued my long-time Favorite Activity of Scaring Random

If you don’t go to JMU, keep in mind “Dukes” is a regular, everday
dining facility.


As I walk In to the establishment (Dukes) I see my room mate, Mr. PJ
Williamson working behind the taco counter. In an attempt to greet him,
I mosey over to his little area only to have an actual customer dart in
in front of me. Unperturbed, I proceed to the area of counter right
next to his, in order to get within earshot. I am standing in front of
a PC Dukes Employee, lets call her….Monita,

Monita: “:What would you like?”

Me: (In a rather loud voice, in order to draw PJ’s attention) “I DEMAND

Monira: “I cannot help you with that.”

Me: “Excellent.”

….Anyway, I got PJ’s attention. And we delivered the bomb.


Jacques: “Good Afternoon,
Welcome to Chocolate with Jacques Torres.”

Audience: (Clapping)

Jacques: “Today I will show you just how simple it is to make Chocolate
Desserts in no Time at All.”

Audience: (Cheering)

…..(15 Minutes Elapse)…..

Jacques: “Now, Once You have Completed the Nose Cone, and the
Instrument Panel with Fully Functioning Satellite Navigation Systems,
and EMS Control Capability, simply attach the Nosecone to the rest
of the Space Shuttle. There! Wasn’t that Simple, and Look (Points to
Miniature Roboticized Chocolate Astronaut, that is in fact Waving at
the Audience) I think our Little Friend is Happy to Have A Home.
Remember Not only is this a Technical achievement in Chcolate, but it

And Remember, Life is Richer with Chocolate!”

Audience: “……”


In The News:

– The Bread Shipment was Received, My Diagnosis? Delicious!

– Finally Obtained a Protective Coating for Wall Art. Well under $83.

– My Little Jaunt is Booked

– The Jaunt has been partially Funded by Tax Refunds

Mandarin Dynamics

Posted in Random on February 11th, 2004 by admin

Replicator Dynamics:

I was fading in and out of coherence as the minutes passed by,
Replicator Dynamics was being forced into my skull.

The two shots of espresso were not enough.

That, my friends, is why I enjoy education.

Today I am Interested in Mandarin Collars:

Bow Down Before Your Dark Lord, The Mandarin Collar.

Besides looking very sharp, it also serves as an extra layer of warmth
for the neck region.

As my Father used to say*, “If it’s good enough for the evil puppeteer
ruler of an evil human-sacrificing, monkey-brain eating cult, By God
it’s good enough for me!”

* – It’s funny I said “used to say” since my father is, in fact, still
alive and well, with full use of his vocal chords.

On the down side – the Mandarin Collar seems to be unpopular right now
in the Fashion Industry. I can definetely see how it would come off
Priestly, or how it could be cumbersome if you were extremely obese,
and therefore had no neck.

Alas, the search shall continue at Local Apparel Retailers, as well as


Posted in Random on February 10th, 2004 by admin

Best. Hot Chcolate. Ever.

Bow Down to Your Dark Lord, The Cocoa Bean.

Notice the Rainbow Colors? Justice League Marshmallows.

I was on no sleep this weekend. I am grateful for sleep now.

In Finishing, where can one purchase an Erotic Cake?


Posted in Random on February 9th, 2004 by admin

Today I Learned 3 Important Things:

1) Buyng Sheets of Lexan Can Be a cost-effective way of making your own
picture frames. However, you must be willing to become a
glass smith.

2) Colored (or “Festive”) Lightbulbs can turn any dreary, unimaginative
apartment into a dreary, unimaginative apartment , except now it looks
like a serial killer lives there.

3) It’s never too late for a random party to start in your apartment.
I’m talking 3 am and not ending until daylight. All I know is I went to
bed at 1, woke up and found 80 empty cans, then went back to bed.
I think I remember someone talking about Poultry.


[Bellamy tells
him he’s behind enemy lines]

Oddball: So they tell
me. Everybody round here is very friendly. Look, baby, I’m kinda hung
up. I need sixty feet of bridge.

Hey, kid, they haven’t got you in the nut ward again?

Ah, Bellamy, for cryin’ out loud. That’s the the stinking, most awful,
stupid joke and you’re always pullin’ that stinking awful stupid joke.

You don’t want in this thing, you
don’t get in this thing. I cut you in on everything. I don’t need you.
Sixty feet of bridge I can get almost anywhere. Schmuck!


Posted in Random on February 8th, 2004 by admin

Costs and Utility:

Dinner with 4 People at a Popular Restaurant: $18.00

The Mere Thought of a Quiet Evening Alone, Relaxing in Your Suede
Slippers and Reading Your Favorite Book: $20

Being Surprised by 4 Guys and their Affinity for Friday Night
Exuberance, Resulting in Taking Possession of FOUR Cases of Natty
Light, and the Shame that Goes with that: $60

Convincing Them that They Need to Shave Their Heads Like Space Monkeys: