Posted in Random on March 29th, 2004 by admin

Alert Reader Jenny P. (The “P.” Stands for P) sent me this announcement that
the perfect cat for me was available:

His Name: Hitler

Preferred Means of Transportation: 1937 Mark III Rolls Royce
with Swastikas Painted on the Doors

I always wanted a cat, especially one so awesome as this. Cats
are awesome because you can just leave them be 90% of the time – I hate having
to deal with slobbering, barking animals (monkeys) 6 hours a day. Cats require
food, and shelter – that’s pretty much it. Love is optional.


I think I’ll ask my suitemates if they are allergic to cat
dander or anything.


Travolta’s Cancer

Posted in Random on March 25th, 2004 by admin

Have you ever felt really awkward asking your professor a question about

No, neither Have I. What kind of sick bastard would lay that onto an
unsuspecting individual?

Anyway, I was asking my Russian Transitions Professor (She is Russian and She
Teaches Transition from Socialism, it’s Sadly Ironic) and when I asked her for a
handout from the previous class, she responded with,

“And why werent you in class on Monday?”

I responded with a quick lie,

“I was sick, had to take the day off.”

Which, in fact, was totally unnecessary – I had actually missed class to
perform a job interview over the phone. But instinct is instinct, and I feigned

At the moment I said this, I simultaneously removed my Hat to show her the
proper courtesy. Unfortunately, I neglected to remember I had recently shaved my
Head. And my Beard.

And that I was currently inhabiting a frame somewhere between 127 and 132
Standard Pounds *

You had to be there, but everything came together to nuance the fact that I
was undergoing Chemotherapy.

Yes, I have Cancer. Imaginary Cancer. The Deadliest Kind. **

End Result –

Instead of Receiving the Handout – I received her Personal Copy of the
Textbook it was drawn from, plus, the option to do the assignment based upon it,
“If I was feeling up to it.”

I’ve Seen Wit. Cancer is Horrible. But I’ll be damned if I tell that
poor woman her pity or empathy was misplaced.

To Illustrate – Here is a Random Picture of Me where I believe*** that I look
like a cross between John Travolta and Viggo Mortensen,



* Thank You “Eat Less, Fatty” by Paul Church.

** Not Deadly

***Wish Were True, but not because I want to be that Good Looking, rather, I
wish to be Rich out of My Ass. And Possibly the King of Middle Earth – or really
good at dancing.


Travolta did his Best work with that


Posted in Random on March 24th, 2004 by admin

Until last night I had nearly forgotten that the London Underworld was so
entertaining. God Knows that If I had the chance to become an illegal
underground boxing promoter I would quit school to pursue it, but I just don’t
see the opportunity coming up. Also, I know next to nothing about boxing, and
even less about the workings of a seedy, crime underworld.

Turkish: What’s happening with those sausages, Charlie?
Charlie: Five minutes, Turkish.
Turkish: It was “two minutes” five minutes ago.


Posted in Random on March 20th, 2004 by admin

The key to a good conversation is to keep both parties interested in the
topic or “”engaged.” A good conversation can be one-sided, when an intriguing
tale is related to the other party, or it can be two-sded, where each party
exchanges ideas and thoughts.

A bad conversation has none of the below:

– Interest

– Response

– Rational Thought

– One of the parties not wanting to stab the other in the eye with the
closest sharp object

– One of the parties not imagining exactly how difficult it would be
to hide a body, or properly dispose of it to avoid police intervention

I can’t believing this person is still talking.


I’m not going to name names, but recently I have been involved in many “bad”
conversations. All with one person. All with one person I now avoid at nearly
all costs just to keep my sanity.

Indirect Results of Mind-Numbing Roommate’s * Constant Jibba-Jabba:

* – “Roommate” may or may not mean Roommate

– Increased Drinking

– Feigning Sleep

– Oven Repair

– Plumbing Concerns

– Fear of Puerto Rico


Ways to Tell if You are of Interest to a Second indivUal correlated with
Konversational responseS (ISUCKS)

— The “K” in “Konversation” stands for Kill Me Please —

Good Responses:
Bad Responses:

1) Your Idea Intrigues Me
1) Meh

2) I Agree
2) Heh

3) I was also thinking that
3) ….

4) Please, tell me more.
4) I have to go……Sort my Sock Drawer


In A more Pleasant Tone:

– I’ve Placed a new Image Gallery Up, feel free to



Movie/Book/TV/Life Quote – Irish Themed

Paul Smecker: “There was a FIRE FIGHT.”

Sgt. Elias: “Barnes believes in what he’s doing.”
Chris Taylor: “And you?”
Sgt. Elias: “Back in ’65? Yeah. Now, no. What happened today is just the
beginning. We’re gonna lose this war.”


SO cold

Posted in Random on March 18th, 2004 by admin

In recent news:

I am cold, so very cold.

I took a 4 mile walk, unexpectedly, in a jacket. Foolish.

I knew I was near hypothermia when I thought about breaking into houses to
get warm. I even considered buying coffee from 7-11.

7-11. Yeah. I’m from NOVA for gods sake, anything less than Starbucks is just
swill. I might as well have suggested, “Hey, drink my own Urine. It’ll be Toasty Warm.”


I’m going to revert back to childhood instinct.

1) Pile Blankets and Pillows

2) Throw self into Blankets and Pillows

3) Imagine I am King of Pillow and blanket Land.

4) Raise core body temperature to at least


Did you know China is Responsible
for the Collapse of Communist Socialism?


Posted in Random on March 16th, 2004 by admin

I don’t especially want to come off as another one of the Teeming Masses of
Tourists that venture to other countries with stupid stories about drinking or
partying or what unique cultural sight that they stood in line for an hour to
marvel at, so I’m going to recount the episodes that actually go beyond those. I
like to call them “Differences” or “Nuances.”

1) There are no major drinking problems in countries where alcohol is
treated like any other enjoyable beverage. If beer was sold like kool-aid, you’d
drink it like kool-aid. An enjoyable glass here or there, but no dramatic

2) Food portions in the US are extremely large. That was all well and good
when the average person did 5 hours of manual labor a day, but it may not be the
best idea for those of us who spend long hours behind desks typing. Ex: 1 Cup of
Ice Cream = 3 Dollars.

3) People are not afraid to exist in close proximity outside of this country.
Buildings are smaller, seats are closer, aisles are narrower. Yeah, it’s
probably partially responsible for the plague, but what you lose in hygiene you
make up for in daily social interaction amongst a species.

4) Newcastle is a city North of London.

5) I would characterize the US as a Christian Nation. Not an entirely good

Dirty Northern Bastard Resided Within

My most comical incident involved the rather insane system of
suggesting a price as not one number, but two numbers combined.


Clerk: “That bottle of Gin is 10 Pounds 2.”

Me: “So…..12 Pounds?”

Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: (In my Head) “No wonder they lost the Empire.”


And Now. My nomination for Best British Actor.

And without knowing it, I’ve spent most of my adult life with
a chubby employee.

Oh Yeah, Check Out this sweet Quicktime Panorama.


If you don’t care for Quicktime, check the JPEG.

London 1

Posted in Random on March 15th, 2004 by admin

A more extensive update will be posted at a later date, but for now..


I dislike the US more than I did before.


Posted in Random on March 4th, 2004 by admin

Today’s Highlight:

Seth told me I looked like Bruce Willis (I was wearing my comical sunglasses,
a bum hat, and my new Hobo jacket), but he brought me back to reality by adding,
“You know, without all the muscles.”

Someday, Somewhere, I’ll find someone who really believes I’m Bruce Willis.
Probably a Blind Person.

Today’s Lowlight:

My Econ Teacher believes I’m brain-dead because my assclown homework
partner turned in his assigned portion of the homework with…..I don’t
know…maybe one correct problem out of 6. I’m pretty sure he did the graph in
crayon too, which wouldn’t be that bad, except it was supposed to illustrate an
Engel Curve for something. Engel curves never look good in crayon.

I swear to god, he used the word “fir” in place of “for” in the paper. I
mean, I understand if you have a southern accent – but why would you just decide
to have a southern accent when you actually write things down?


Normal Southerner: “I went to the store today.”

Retarded Southerner: “I wint down to dee Star tooday.”

Notice how you still maintain the grammatical and structural accuracy
of English when Sane, versus forgetting them entirely when Insane?


“I don’t want anything I don’t deserve, (but) if they offer me
more money, I’m not a-stupid.”


Posted in Random on March 3rd, 2004 by admin

“I’m your huckleberry.”

Gotta Love a Guy that Can Function with a BAL of .2 and has
Assimilated the Word “Huckleberry” into his very extensive Vocabulary.