Cake Bernaise
All I wanted was a sweet tasting confection, perhaps even a sumptuous desert
for my rumbling stomach…
It started out as any other baked good. I decided upon a cake, as I had all
the necessary ingredients and the time seemed right for a wonderful oval shaped
treat. Respective parts sugar, flour, eggs, cocoa powder, and assorted other
ingredients required were mixed, the batter was poured into an oblong baking
dish, and a 375 Degree oven was its final destination. Soon, and thusly, the
apartment filled with the sweet aroma of Hershey’s Brand Chocolate and Delicious
Cooked Sugar and Butter.
As I peered into the oven, my delicious creation came to life before my eyes.
The Cake was Ready.
This was when the trouble began.
Now, don’t get me wrong, Cake is delicious on its own. Some deserts need no
companionship, like a Jacques Torres Fantasy Chocolate Sculpture, or a Julia
Child Fruit Tart, but Cake is not one of those. It requires a sidekick, his
name? Frosting.
The delectable combination of soft, airy cake and creamy, sugary frosting has
delighted millions, no, Billions of human beings and other creatures of this
small planet we live on….perhaps even other planets. But as the famous quote
goes, “Let he who will baketh the cake, also concoct the Frosting.. And let his
everlasting soul not be consumed by hellfire during the procession.” (Cakeology
4:12)
—
I should have known better. There’s a damn good reason that Pillsbury sells
frosting in Buckets at every Food Store in the World. They ALONE possess the
knowledge, and the tools, to properly wield the power of Frosting. Well, that
and the fact that they have recipes that they know work.
– Add egg whites
– Add sugar
– Beat egg whites and sugar
– Panic due to total lack of thickening
– Add Flour in futile attempt to thicken
– More beating
– More panicing
– Add Baking Powder to see “What the hell could happen?”
– Add Butter for “Tasting Purposes”
– More Flour
– More Egg Whites
…
Give up and turn frosting into another cake.
—–
What did I learn? Frosting is worth $1.99 in a can.
Also, I make delicious cakes, but I lack in the frosting department.
And, I can feed failed projects to the Puerto Rican by mixing the remnants
into her day old fried shrimp batter/vomit/porridge/taquito mix
——–
Tony: (He reads the order that comes up in the kitchen, a
relatively simple request for no butter with their meal, and extra Bernaise)
“Alright, they want no butter, no butter, and extra Bernaise sauce. What the
f&*k? No butter? Extra Bernaise? Bernaise Sauce is just egg yolks and butter.
What the fuck is wrong with these people?”
Chef Tony is my Favorite Angry, Bitter, Smoking, Chef.
Also, he smokes in the Kitchen at his Restaurant. Believe it
or not, that’s a Federal Crime.