Posted in Random on September 30th, 2004 by admin

I’m taking a break from studying advanced macroeconomic growth models to
write this, so all you sag-jawed squirrel herders better damn well appreciate my
effort. I’m a goddamn war hero and I don’t need to take crap from anyone.

Legend has it that when I can complete the following recipes as fast as Iron
Chef Sakai – I will become the One True Shogun.

– Hash Browns from Scratch
– Mustard Glazed Chicken
– Hush Puppies
– Fritada/Scrambled, Fluffed Eggs
– Bacon Wrapped, Mushroom Chicken
– The Mexican Pizza, as perfected by the Taco Bell
Corporation – A Yum Foods Company


Anyone in the motorcycle industry is also encouraged to
send me Helmets.


Jeff, Dave, Sam.

Quote of the Update (Movie):

Jeff: “We have been getting screwed by the
system. The system that forces us guys to like girls. All right? We’re getting
pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it? We can have our own
system, it’s a counter-system. And then, you do things together, you swim, you
row, you… boat, you eat, you stink. We can just be guys! You can have sex, you
can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it’s not gay.”

and – even better…

Jeff: “It is your destiny to have your heart

Dave: “….” (Silence.)

Jeff: “Just as one day, it is my destiny to
become Shogun.” (Promptly collapses face first onto floor.)

Freshmen -> Senior

Posted in Random on September 21st, 2004 by admin

Freshmen -> Senior

Fresh-Faced Youth

Shell of My Former Shell

<"Edit"> JMU, prior to 2003?, had the most homoerotic-furry related Collegiate Identification Card currently known to mankind. Even Delta Labs confirms the statictical relationship to circle 8 of Hell (The circle generally believed to be the final resting place of furries.) <>

Anyway. I was pretty much forced to renew my JAC Card picture when I was
refused access to (on several occasions) JMU resources and facilities.



JMU Photo Lady: “Stand on the X.”

Me: “Oh, yeah.”

Jmu Photo Lady: “You’ve lost a lot of weight. Must be the lack of Good
Home-Cooking. You look more mature.”

Me: “Yeah.”

JMU Photo Lady: “I mean, yeah, just a lot more mature.”

Me: (Proudly) “Its the moustache.”

JMU Photo Lady: “Yeah, its kind of like that Johhny Depp.”

Me: (Silently wetting my trousers) “Yeah.”

JMU Photo Lady: “Anyway, I’m just joking with you.”

Me: “Fuck.”

JMU Photo Lady: “What?”

Me: “Fuck.”

JMU Photo Lady: “Your card will be ready in a few minutes.”

The Hand! The Hand!

Posted in Random on September 18th, 2004 by admin

Sweet God, the Hand!

Progression of the hand…


Posted in Random on September 4th, 2004 by admin

It turns out that all those trips to UREC have finally paid off…

Lastnight, at around 2AM and for reasons I cannot mention (for fear of
Tarnishing my Immaculate Reputation) I found myself faced with the daunting task
of climbing two stories on the outside of an apartment complex in a
semi-coherent state.

The physics and math of it all were favorable, but for one technicality:


– Weight (Now making 124 Ibs of pure Stallone-esque fighting muscle)

– Arm Strength (UREC Bicep Curls)

– Inability to feel pain (NOT a result of Alcohol)

– Tennis Shoes


– One Useless Hand (*) Wrapped in Non-Gripping Towel Bandage


* Useless due to 2nd (Possibly Third **) Degree burns*** on knuckles, palm,
and back of, hand.

** Wouldn’t that be hardcore!

*** Do not play with Lighter Fuel


Upon realizing that the patio (not the front door, as I didn’t have my keys)
was the only entry option, I surmised that my chances of making it to level 3
from Ground were quite good (In the neighborhood of 80/20, if my math serves me
correctly). Logic dictated that that said climb would take only newbie****
levels of skill to accomplish.

  1. I proceeded to grab hold of 2nd level railing from my stance on top of 1st
    level railings.
  2. Using my upper musculature I pull myself to level 2’s base.
  3. Sandal #1 is lost.
  4. Putting the loss of sandal #1 behind me I climb on.
  5. Sandal #2 is lost.
  6. Now Shoeless (Much Like Jesus Christ at the Scourging) I proceed.
  7. Railing on level 2 is uncooperative, multiple tenants seem to have
    deposited urine on slats.
  8. Railing #2 is Breached, I laugh hysterically.
  9. Towel falls off of aforementioned damaged hand.
  10. I cry a little bit (on the inside)
  11. I proceed.
  12. Left leg is uncooperative, multiple attempts are made to swing the leg
    onto railing level 3.
  13. Left leg disregarded
  14. Right leg successfully occupies a tremendously uncomfortable position
    wedged between two level 3 slats
  15. I reach level 3 Balcony
  16. I realize I climbed the wrong side of my building.
  17. Tenants of 893K seem perplexed.
  18. I proceed through steps 1-> 15 again.
  19. Sliding Door on porch level 3 (My apartment this time) is breached.
  20. I fix myself a smoothie (I earned it)

**** No Yeti, Arctic Conditions, or Extended Distances


Quote of the Update:

Professor Henry Jones : Well, he who finds the Grail must face the final
Indiana Jones : What final challenge?
Professor Henry Jones : Three devices of such lethal cunning.
Indiana Jones : Booby traps?
Professor Henry Jones : Oh yes. But I found the clues that will safely take us
through, in the Chronicles of St. Anselm.
Indiana Jones : But what are they? Can’t you remember?
Professor Henry Jones : I wrote them down in my Diary so that I wouldn’t have to