I decided to give up meat roughly a year ago, so McDonalds actually became a coffee place for me around the same time. I’m convinced their Mochas (Coffee with Sugar and more Sugar) are actually better than Starbucks. Another newsflash: Three bucks is cheaper than four. Today I will branch out and describe the McCafe Caramel Frappe, which I partook of roughly three hours ago.

Its served in the same clear, highly unrecyclable, domed packaging as their other iced drinks. It looks like a coffee slurpee. Because it has a 1/4 can of Reddi-Whip on top, America will love it. However, The major failure of this coffee-themed drink is the standard McDonalds straw. Its high-flow passage allows an overpoweringly strong blast of this beverage into your mouth aperture. Like a firehose of Gutter-Water.

The main ingredient here is Ice (water, for you retards sounding this out) so you’d think this might be rather subtle in flavor compared to something like mayonnaise or ground trout. You would be wrong. Keep in mind, I have consumed an entire bag of Charms Blo-Pops in a six hour period and felt fine afterwards. I actually do this routinely. The first mouthful (heehee, gay) actually caused me to stumble noticeably as I turned to leave the counter, and it then took me another 2-3 seconds to regain consciousness from an assumed minor blackout. I actually stopped, held the thing up to my eye, and scanned it to make sure I didn’t pick up a canister of acetone.

I estimate my intake at this point to 5-7 tablespoons.

I was overcome with a sugar-induced euphoria upon stepping into my car, and briefly considered joining the Marine Corps and Tea-Party. Three minutes later I had consumed roughly a third of the beverage, and realized I had gotten more than what I signed up for. The eerie chemical formulation of the Caramel flavor stuck in my mouth like the odor of a discovered corpse might linger in the nose of a Police Detective working his last case before retirement. Depending on where you have been on the internet, this may be a pro or con.

When I pulled into my parking spot, I had difficulty recalling where I had just been or how I had gotten to my building at all. The color green seemed warmer and yellower than normal when the elevator light illuminated. I swigged another 4-5 tablespoons and opened the door to my apartment, placing the beverage on the counter as I passed. I decided I wouldn’t finish it because I had work tomorrow. Have to be sharp.

I took this picture as I was coming down from the high – and it illustrates how far I had gotten before I turned back for civilization.


I have never injected Heroin (Why did I specify?) or brutally shot a man in the face at point blank range, but I imagine that feeling would be similar to a McDonalds McCafe Frappe. The initial rush is like receiving a lifesaving blood transfusion from Eva Green after a failed motorcycle jump of the Grand Canyon with Sweet Child o’ Mine by GNR playing. Also, she loves you and always did. The inevitable come-down is like having Eva tell you she was HIV positive and has male genitalia.

I recommend you try it, but not if you have little kids around or need to operate machinery.

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