Cork on the Fork

One might say that Once you’ve been offered cocaine and accepted it, that youre life is effectively over. Well, at least life as you once knew it.

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Regardless, getting bonked off the stuff and murdering your Girlfriends best friend in the woods with a  big rock would also pretty much end your life.

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For the love of God – Getting a good nights sleep is damn near impossible for me anymore. I slept in four different places lastnight in the apartment, and drank about a Gallon of Diet Dr. Pepper in a desperate attempt to satisfy some nighttime craving.

The Browns lost…..to the Bengals…..which would have made me almost sucidal had it not been for my innate sense of logic overriding the idea of suicide caused by football. Once again, I fell asleep in a coat, under three blankets, a backpack, and pants which caused to me to awake 5 minutes before a meeting sweating like a Fireworks Factory Worker with a Penchant for Tobacco. I must mention however, that daytime naps are a highlight of my life right now..I mean, who doesnt like waking up somewhat refreshed (confused) at 7 PM like youre in some kind of Vietnam POW camp in 1966 where you can’t tell the difference between night/day anymore?

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Rule of Thumb for the Day )and I cant stress this enough)

— Under no circumstances should you kill a girl in the woods with a blunt object. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times, and not one of those times has something good come out of it. So in General….NO. —

 

Scariest Man in the World:

Best Nightime Picture:

I just felt I should share those.

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Regardless, I had been studying, yes, I “studied,” for once In my life. Mostly due to the fact that My economics Major is hard as Hell – which for me, means a lot because I say everything is a cake walk. This is not a cake walk. I would call this a……Feces Walk.

Anyway, thats why I havent updated this week.

And sorry for that shitty, shitty table. I swear I’ll do better later. I’m using a new HTML editor.

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What Have I been Up To:

– Class

– Then some Class

– A Little Crawling through the Mud

– A little Spending Spree

– Burning Olive Oil – Causing Awesomely Thick Black Smoke to envelop me like a velvet robe

– Riding in the Rain to deactivate a Viper Security System

All in All, a pretty decent week.

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I really wanted to realte some comical tale, or situation, but Im drawing a blank right now……hmmm…

Since I can’t think of Jack – I’ll let mr Nicholson do the talking..

Vicki Vale: “What do you want?”

Joker: “My face on the One-Dollar Bill.”

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Lastnight We sat around and made fun of the kids on Jeopardy – Yes, they were quite nerdy, and easily beaten with our superior intellects (but then again, we are 10 years older).

The highlight was when the losers almost cried after the show was over. I also thought it was ironic that the Final Jeopardy category was “Sports Figures” or something.

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In any case – I’m looking forward to receiving my “What about all the good things Hitler Did” T-Shirt in the mail, so I’m rather upbeat right now. In fact, i think I’lll go tot he mailbox right now.

 

 

Tonight, I walked. Then walked some more. In fact, I’d say I walked for about 2 hours. Past 81, along Port Republic, and down South, Around the Farm, Through the  Tunnel, to Mcdonalds (to buy food, but not to eat it), past a Broken Bottle, by a pickup truck driving though someones front yard, then up the stairs, and to this PC.

Here is a random picture from  tonight (Image makes me look Gay, disregard)

Oh shit – the train is coming – im going to go watch – BRB

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Alright, that was dumb. I just got made fun of for being alone walking on the sidewalk. Its alright though, I always feel better when I do stuff like that.

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PJ: Good Times, I’m gonna miss these little moments later on. You’re like a brother (even though you like Neil Young)

Joe: You are more sociable with alcohol, but still addicted to Madden like a heroin addict.

I have reocovered the following avatars from an old backup. If they belong to you, please use them.

I know who two of them belonged to, but the pink bunny thing is a mystery.

  

The Funniest Thing In My Day:

IceCubes

Scenario: I arrive home at approximately 5:00 pm, after serving as PJ’s
security blanket for technology.  Thirsty, I head to the fridge with the
objective of quenching my thirst.

Action Taken:

1) I remove a large plastic cup from the cabinet.

2) I attempt to remove ice from the freezer.

3) Ice sticks to fingers (due to moisture inherent in kitchen activities –
no, not related to any kind of lubricating product)

4) Not realizing Ice is stuck to fingers I attempt to drop the cubes
into the cup

5) Not realizing cubes are still stuck to fingers (I’m tired people) I swing
around wildy to open fridge for Diet Vanilla Coke

6) Ice cubes are propelled through mid air at about a 20mph velocity, with
enough force to hurl the aforementioned cup off the counter.

7) I realize I am retarded

8) I clean up the Mess

9) I go to bed

10) I buy 750 ml of Rumple Minze – Verdict: Alcoholism

Rumple Minze

I feel this particular alcohol (albeit extremely homosexual in Nature
(Peppermint Schnapps)) conveys a somewhat “Third Recih/German Gestapo” message
deep within. This goes well with my general interest in all things involving
really cool looking Germans. Yes, they were evil. But Goddamn, they had some
hansom uniforms.

Clint Eastwood was a spectacularly hansom American Spy posing as a Nazi.

Major John Smith: They say he
[Col. Wyatt Turner]
Major
John Smith: knew Hitler quite well.
Lieutenant Morris Pimpennel Schaffer:
Yeah, I THOUGHT he looked a little nuts.

I was going to post a picture here of me stabbing someone with a broken glass bottle, but the logistics of it became too complicated. Glass is sharp and hard to clean up, plus, most people are somewhat resistant to the idea of being stabbed in the gut.

Which reminds me – Steve, Ron is making us take the couch out of the breezeay. Of course, I told him we knew nothing about it which means we dont actually have to get off our asses and do anything. However, you might want to say goodbye to it like Ol’ Orange.

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Lessons Leanred this Week:

– Never go shopping at ABC with Credit Cards

– Dont play with broken glass

– Dont use your fingers as a fire extinguisher

– Never mix Jello, Lucky Charms, and Jager (Christmas Water)

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I hate it when Old People Get Braces

However, the comedy it generates is appreciated

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The Best Image Ever:

Narrator: “He was full of pep. Must’ve had his grande-latte enema.”

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I blame Harv for my Baldness

I blame Jerry for my Poorness

I blame myself for everything else though, at least I’m fair.

Click the Link below for the MP3 version of the theme.

Man, Consider this part of the update from an hour ago –

When?

Nickelodeon’s late, lamented Adventures of Pete & Pete was the greatest children’s show ever. Documenting the surreally hilarious exploits of teenager Pete Wrigley and his younger brother, Pete, the series earned hipster cachet for its stunt casting (cameos included the likes of Michael Stipe, Iggy Pop, Janeane Garafalo, and Steve Buscemi) as well as its uncommonly cool musical sensibility � in one episode, Luscious Jackson played the school prom, with bassist Gabby Glaser even making eyes at older Pete. The series’ title theme and much of its incidental music was performed by Polaris, the side project of then-Miracle Legion frontman Mark Mulcahy; their crisp, richly melodic jangle pop perfectly complemented the show’s vibrant wit, but except for a premium cassingle available from Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats, no official Pete & Pete soundtrack was ever made available. Polaris’ debut isn’t quite official � Music From the Adventures of Pete & Pete consists of what sounds like re-recordings, although they’re almost mirror images of the originals. No matter, these dozen tracks are still superb, especially the nearly unintelligible theme “Hey Sandy,” the lovely “She Is Staggering,” and most notably “Summerbaby,” little Pete’s all-time favorite song per the classic “Hard Day’s Pete” episode. Even the Powerpuff Girls never had it so good.

Get the mp3 (Illegally) Here

The Most Underrated Actor Ever

Bradley Whitford

Mostly this is just an excuse to use the most awesome quote in the world. Plus, I couldn’t find a picture of Josh Mostel that was the least bit comical, or emotionally stirring.

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Mr. Madison, what you just said is one of the most insanely idiodic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.  I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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I gave my first Business Idea/Plan Evaluation/Made-Up Assignment today. It was fun because I wore my Browns Sweatshirt and unknowingly presented our idea to a HUGE STEELERS FAN!

The only remarable moment was this:

Mcmillan (Steelers Fan): “You need to get rid of this guy!”

Me: “Me?”

Mcmillan: “Yeah, youre trouble!”

Me: “Oh My Holy Jesus, you’re a Steelers fan arent you?!? I thought I remembered you from somewhere, youre the guy I argued with last year in the basement of Showker!”

Mcmillan: “Now Im grading your presentation.”

Me: (Under my breath)  “Son of a Bitch.”

Mcmillan: “What?”

Me: “This sweashirt itch…….es.”

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Actually, it was all in good fun. I love how football can make people who have never met hate each other.

Typical Steelers Fan 

OMG!!!!!

The Internet and Phones and Electricity all at the SAME TIME.

I decided to post to take advantage of the current “all utilities working” status of the apartment. Keep in mind, this is very rare.

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Comical Situations of the Last Few Days:

1) PJ and the Microwave

PJ: “Whats wrong with the Microwave, it keeps making my food all warm. Everytime I put something in there it gets hot.”

Me: “Are you complaining that the Microwave is heating the food you put in it!?”

PJ: “That came out wrong.”

2) The Taco Chicks

(Steve and I are Waiting for Food Outside a Taco Bell, and two Slightly Chunky ladies walk ast the car)

Steve and I: “…….”

(Girls pass out of earshot)

Steve and I: (In Unison) “That’s a lot a Taco!”

3)  Steve and the Cigarette

(Steve is quite….Intoxicated, while I remain Sober.)

Steve: “Gimme a Cigarette”

Me: “Alright” (I hand him one, previously lit)

Steve: “Thanks.” (Places Cigarette in mouth burning end first)

Me: “God damn you’re stupid. Who are you?”

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Thats enough for now.

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Ubiquitous Movie Quote:

Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards, that’s my policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakesphere In The Park Production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!

Protecting the Country?

or Countrying the Protection?

Look at the sweat.