Cork on the Fork

Today at work I asked myself, “Self, how would you like to die?”

Disregard the morbidity of that statement and ask yourself:

Would I prefer the tortured agony of a fiery inferno? Or am I more of the “instant, painless C4 blast” kind of guy?

I have developed a few categories of death that tend to charaterize your personality. (Arranged from hot to cold)

1) Explosion – You have a fiery personality. The kind of “Let’s go” or “balls out” enthusiasm that few truly possess. Mainly those who have nothing to lose: i.e. Bounty Hunters, Vampire Hunters, Chronic Gamblers, and People who own lots of Dynamite – or work in close proximity to explosives.

2) Fire/Smoke Inhalation – Those tough bastards who like “the heat” if you will. Those people who feel the hardest path is the best path. Usually Brave, but sometimes foolish. Occupation’s like Government Bureaucrat, Ailing Dictator, and any occupation that requires a deathwish.

3) Dehydration – Who chooses dehydration? This one is just retarded. Occupations include, clearly, retards, but can also be those with no zeal left for life. Army/Navy Bombing Site Protester, Telephone Company Worker, and those with a fear of water.

4) Blood Loss – Can result from Internal/External Trauma and Horrible Flesh Eating Viruses. Does not include Cancer, Hemophelia and the like – since those are really inherited and not chosen.  These are the kind of people that like dangerous work, but usually prefer the thrill of life to the searing pain of a rotary drill bit – they just love to hang onto life, and the result is usually a bloody battle to the end. Occupations: Shark Hunter, Professional Arms Dealer, Swordsman, Psychopath.

5) Freezing/Drowning – Incidents in which the individual elects for a somewhat less painful death. Usually means they were peaceful, calm, or submissive in life. Usually somewhat attracted to positions invloving a slow atrophy of the human will to live. Occupations: Accountant, National Geographic Photographer, Hentai Anime Reviewer.

If your ideal death does not fit these categories, blend the two or three that most closely resemble yours. If that doesn’t work, just calm the hell down – I’m really not all that serious.

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If any wants to know – I always wanted to go down like Quint in the end of Jaws, brandishing my machete in a valiant attempt to strike down my attacker. Or, if that is impossible – Like Obi-Wan in Star Wars. 

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New Poll of Deaths —->

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“Let my angry silence be your Guide.”

Worst Semester Ever (Academically)

I disliked every one of my classes except Econ 332 (and by default, MSCI 100 – since it was more of a seminar) – and I mosty definetely did the worst in that one (Econ) – but only because It’s ungodly difficult – which I enjoyed, but grade wise it screws me. It’s a good thing I started to care about accumultaed wisdom vs GPA. Not that having strength on both sides is bad, but at least I can reason it out.

Anyways- Working, Working, Working –

Somehow I inherited fruitcake and cookies at the warehouse on my first day of break.

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Someone asked me which kits i made today (Number Sense, Probability and Statistics – what a super retarded drawn out name. I would have called it “Math 3”)

Anyways- I had to feign ignorance of its infinite stupidity to the program coordinator. But hell, I got some free candy.

Oh, and one of the teachers came in, looked at a picture of a black kid on the cover of my books, and said “What a nice looking dark child.”

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FCPS harbors racism

Ned will win his lawsuit

2 days next week

I’m takin the day off to see Return of the King

Dedicated to Freedom.

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Rankin: You’re as afraid to die as anybody else, and I never let you free. You hear me?
Manny: I am free, Rankin. I am free.

Questions:

Why is Jake Ghyllennhaal on Molto Mario?

Yeah, I thought for a few weeks that it was just some guy that looked like Jake Ghyllenhaal, but then Mario started calling him “Jake” and mentioning his movies. Is there another Jake I don’t know about? How the hell does Mario Batali know Jake Ghyllenhaal? I mean, hes a dreamboat – and Mario Batali is just a Chef. Well, then again, he’s a superstar Chef, and he can make birthday cookies out of boiled sugar, raisins, fruit, and seeds. Good Cookies.

This brings me back to one of the most important things in life: Good Cooking – Men Out There; Be a Good Cook or Marry One, Women Out There; Ditto.

And for the Permanent Bachelors/Bachelorettes: Learn To Cook. 

This all Came To Me after Temple of Doom, PJ, and Steve Making TV Lasagna.

Regardless, Finals are winding down and tonight I am going to eat dinner made with the good old George Foreman Grill. So, take that Batali!

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Indiana Jones: Wear your jewels to bed Princess?
Willie: Yeah… and nothing else. Shock you?
Indiana Jones: Nothing shocks me. I’m a scientist.

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Only Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Circa 1985) Can Pull off The White Jacket. Well, maybe James Bond.

Sushi Keeps in Cold Weather

Exposed Limbs Freeze into Mildly Comical Forms

Pop Tarts Don’t Taste as Nice

Snow Isn’t Fun When It Mocks You

Snow Is Fun When You Mock It

Paul Needs Slippers

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“The only Way To Kill a Snowman with any Finality”

or

“An Evening At The North Pole Fighting Parasitic Aliens”

You Decide.

The Train was stopped on the Tracks. Stopped. Not Moving. It wasn’t going imperceptibly slow, it was Incredibly Stationary. Clear Track Ahead. Clear Track Behind.

And One Man on a Bicycle wanted to not die of Hypothermia before whatever Force Controls the Movement of Trains decided to put down his copy of Goosebumps: Post Apocalyptic Nuclear Family Barbecue, and got back to work.

I did what any man would do – I tossed my fear of being crushed beneath row-after-row of shiny metal pizza-cutter-like wheels aside and decided to cross. The only problem: A 75 Pound Bicycle.

I nixed the idea of sliding under in favor of going over. I stepped up onto a coupling using the ladder soldered onto the side of the car. (Hey, if it started moving, hopefully I’d be knocked silly – but the Bike would be the only real casualty – And it sure would be fun to watch a train run ove a bike.)

Sure enough, the second I reached down to Grab the bike, the Train Jolted Forward and My Animal Reflexes kicked in.

 – Heart Beat immediately jumped to around 135 BPM

 – Muscle Strength Increased 2 Fold

I reached down (well below the area my feet were) and grabbed onto the handlebars. Summoning all my strength in an effort to save my Trek Mountain Something 800 from certain destruction I heaved up wards and over – Catapulting the bike through the two cars and into a pile of brush on the other side. Alas, the Brake line was stuck to some technical train part and i lept off the car to free it.

Train: 2.5 MPH

Bicycle: Dragged like a Sled full of Corpses by the Train

Me: Prying, oh god was I prying

As the Train Passed – I imagined my skeleton appearing (attached to the underside of some train part) in an edition of Hobo Obituary Weekly.

Actual Hobo Obituary

Eventually I freed my good transportation-giving friend and all was well. However, I need new brake pads and a screwdriver. Oh yeah, Hobo Respect +23

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Comical Quotes

Actual Retarded Conversation

PJ: “Hines Ward is the best receiver in the NFL.”

Paul: “Yeah, hes pretty good – but he’s no Dennis Northcutt.”

PJ: “Dennis Northcutt Sucks.”

Paul: “He doesn’t suck. He’s just flying under the radar. He’s a well kept secret.”

PJ: “Flying under the rdar, huh? Kind of like a…..Pumpkin.”

Paul: “Yeah, PJ, just like a pumpkin. The kind that fly under the radar.”

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Steve: “Yeah, I saw the kid back over a Volvo in his Expedition.”

Ross: “Really? Why?”

Steve: “He was coked out of his mind.”

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Kevin: ” Within us are several personalities. For example, are we the same person talking to our parents as we are when, say, haggling with a prostitute?”

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Richard Winters: Harry. Fire’s not a good idea.
Harry Welsh: Just a couple of minutes. We’re in a dell.
Richard Winters: A dell?? Like where fairies and gnomes live?
Cpt. Nixon: I swear I thought I could smell a fire. I did smell a fire. Are you out of your mind?
Richard Winters: Well, we’re in a dell.
Cpt. Nixon: Huh??