Cork on the Fork

Tonight, I anoint myself “Master of Crazy Phrases.”

As I realized the candle I was lighting was leaking onto my leg, –
searing, boiling wax – I frantically took down the term “I
spilling wax on myself” into my tape recorder. Between my obsession
with the infamous “All your base are belong to us” and “Hewwo” I am
closer and closer to giving up on the correct grammatical construction
of sentences that I once strove to deliver with supreme eloquence. I
cannot explain the occurences – but I can blame, and I blame the
Internet.

——

In Game Theory we spent 45 Minutes analyzing “Rock, Paper,
Scissors” in terms of Nash Equilibria (Clue – There are none!) But if
you ddn’t already know that – You must be the biggest Loser at Rock,
Paper, Scissors ever. The infamous example is that of Young Bart
Simpson, who without fail would play “Rock” every turn – regarding the
“Rock” as the superior move. Clearly, his strategy was dominated.
Speaking of which – How come paper beats rock? I understand Paper ->
Scissors and Scissors->Rock, but why should a piece of paper beat a
rock?

—–

Today, PJ received his spanking-new Dell Laptop. It’s better than
Christmas for techies, and that includes me, even though I do not
personally own the laptop. My expernces with Dell have been mixed: I
think their pc’s are so-so, but i really enjoy the way they will
replace laptops even though it’s obvious you purposely destroyed them
in an attempt to kill “Steve” himself.. Steve is the evil blond kid
that lives inside all Dells, and he is more terrible than the dark lord
himself.

To compete with PJ’s new wireless freedom I busted out my wirelss mouse
and keyboard and stood next to him typing furiously make myself feel
better about it. Unfortunately, I generated 2 pages of jibberish
unsuitable for reading by even the most retarded public school children.

——-

Know what the best vegetable is? Peas.

Best Drink? Coffee

Best method to cook fish? Poaching.

…

Go forth with this knowledge and make good on your promises to yourself.

Living Off Campus has limited several of the activities I used to undertake regulalrly while living on campus. Foremost among those is the activity, I kid you not, of walking.

This is not to say that I’m one of those kids who drives a hummer
around because my wealthy parents treat me like an action figure, who
needs all the accesories to be cool, but because I instead ride a bike
– in the hopes of making the miles go by faster. In this case, they do.
it’s simple, efficient individual tranpsortation.

However, going 20 Mph past speeding traffic limits the mental
activities I can undertake during the activity, for example: Walking v.
Biking

Instead of…..
I…..

—-
Today, in a quest for Chocolate Banana Cappucino, I walked from The
Court House, to Olde Mill, to ISAT, and to Godwin – the most wonderful
thing I noticed?

The flecks of gravel in pure white snow that made it look like
Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. I swear, If I was Wordsworth, that would have
been a smahing 17th Centruy Literary Masterpiece, but alas, I possess
neither his ultra-extensive vocabulary, or proclivity for finding the
beauty in simple words and phrases.

Well, that and he was a wonderful poet.
—–

Today’s Surreal/Awkward Moment:

Route 10, 4:00 PM – The Bus Radio Plays R. Kelly – Ignition (Remix).

My Brain, 4:01 PM – Will to Live Finally Crushed.

—–

Quoted:

Prof. Alexander: “……..Yes, It’s much like the change in the
direction of the breeze by the seashore in the evening, versus the
morning.”

(Awkward Silence)

(15 Seconds)

Kid From Cyprus: “What is a breeze?”

———————

In Other News:

– It is worth the walk to ISAT for Banana Chocolate Cappucino. I urge
all of you with available personal transportation to TAKE ME WITH YOU
whenever you go past this building. I will throw in a free Cappucino,
or maybe even a Hersheys Smores Bar.

Official
Banana Themed Song of CorkontheFork

As far as snow goes, let’s just say this: Now and Forever, disregarding
the thousands, and probably millions, of deaths that were a direct
result of bitter cold and icy precipitation, snow will always be my
favorite meteorological factor. Above Hurricanes, Tornados, Lightning,
and the once Vaunted El Nino weather phenonmenon, snow reigns supreme.

——————-
In Other News:

Return of the King has stolen at least 15 hours of my life – albeit, I
probably wouldn’t have cured cancer in those 12 hours anyway (and
neither would you, if you’re reading this – so don’t get all high and
mighty about wasting time)

On the plus side – Legolas and Faramir both possess the Fire Weapon
Capability – which I found pathetically ironic since I discovered them
whilst there were conditions of extreme cold and snow outside my
wondow, not 4 feet away.

—

Anyway – I’m a little bummed since I apparently missed put on the
purchase of the 50th anniversary playboy issue, that was on newsstands.
Hell, I don’t even really like Playboy, but it seems like I should
support any American Institution in it’s 50th Year. Oh Well, Hef well
be fine in all likelihood with his bevy of beauties and millions of
dollars.

—
Questions:

-Can Ashton Kutcher not play a semi retarded charcter and be
believeable?

– How come an egg-creme milkshake does not contain eggs? (Hint: I know
the answer. do you? It has nothing to do with Tony Blair or Iraq)

– Did you know 7-11 has a candy cane cappucino? Neither did I. It
should have stayed that way.

—–

Tom Sizemore: “You may recognize me as Tom Sizemore, an actor in many
popular films. I occasionally star along Tom Hanks as well as Beat Up
my Girlfriends.”

This Movie (The Relic): “Nice to meet
you Tom – I plan to undereutilize your Talents, and cast you as an
action hero-cop, that falls in love with a perky genetic engineer.”
Tom Sizemore: “Excellent.”

Thus begins the Great Picture Weirdness of Our Time:

…(Conversation prior to this point was uneventful)…

Me: “Yeah, Alright”

Picture-Taking Lady: “Now sit still and I’ll count one, two, three – but remain still for a few more seconds, or the camera gets a little fuzzy.”

Me: “Sure.”

Picture-Taking Lady: “Smile.”

Me: (I grudgingly half-smirk, but its half assed – since I hate pictures of me smiling)

Picture-Taking Lady: “You look like youre stoned.”

……….(Several Awkward Seconds Elapse)…..

Me: “Ring-A Ding Ding?”

Picture-TakingLady: “Yeah, it’s a friday afternoon, It’s college after all.”

Me: “I can’t believe that you actually said that. I mean, I’m a serious student – I usually study on friday nights.”

Picture-Taking Lady: “Yeah.”

Me: “Wicked Awesome!”

Jerry: “I’m scared of the picture lady, now. ‘

Me: “So am I, Jerry, so am I…………RUN!”

—————————————–

Oh yeah, I look kinda like kevin Rose.

There’s something wrong about reading an essay that was translated from German, to Russian, to English over the course of 130 Years or So.  When Karl Marx started to read like a crappy port of a japanese video game – the jig was up.

———

Sadly, in order to make the Bush State of the Union bearable I was forced to use chemicals to calm my jangled nerves. I was going to try cough syrup and Mr. Clean, but i ended up sticking to a more proven method…..

Regardless, it resulted in one of the PJ/Paul “why raising taxes will solve all our problems” discussions that I’ve had before – perhaps it was wrong to drop that and head to photoshops of Lotr and automobiles.

——

Notes to Self:

– Pavlova, Ballerina and Dessert

– Nighy, write the letter

– KotOR, whe it drops below 40

– Buy a Hat that covers my ears

Sometimes I have to stand back and Laugh at how incredibly stupid some of my dreams are, in this case: 2 themed dreams probably resulting from consuming 2 vending machine hostess cupcakes right before bed.

Dream 1 – Black Adders and Sleeping Outside

The greatest thing about dreams is that you can be presented with a totally illogical and unprecedented setting in which for the dream to occur – and you still accept it with total non-chalance.

Setting: I am sleeping on a dock, at 3 in the afternoon, with huge blanket, and water is hitting me in the side of the head.

Actions: A poisonous snake crawls into my blankets, but does not proceed to bite me. A “snake doctor” witnesses the event and wakes me up.

Me: “What?”

Snake Man: “A snake crawled into your blankets. A very poisonous one.”

Me: “I’m sure it will be on its way soon, until then, I will continue sleeping.”

Snake Man: “Indeed.”

Snake: (Slithers peacefully away)

Me: “Meh.”

—

What is the significance of that? Am I not afraid of snakes? Am I not suppose to sleep in local waterways?

———

Dream 2 – The Black Nazi and His Hatred of Art Dealers

Setting: A german castle, circa 1936, in which a large and powerful black man (in this case, played by Ving Rhames) is situated across from me at a large, gothic style, wooden table.

Me: “Yes, your collection is quite impressive.”

Ving: “Only the best, for Mrs. Rhames Baby Boy.”

Me: “Haha Vat 69, only the best for Mrs. Nixons Baby Boy!?”

Ving: “Is that an inside joke?”

Me: “Uh, yes. Nevermind.”

..

Me: “So, where did you get all this stuff? I’d love to own a piece.”

Ving: “Mostly German Art Dealers, filthy Nazis all of them.”

Me: “I see, well Nazi art is the best, I mean, maybe not the art, but the idea of having something created by a nazi is very ironic. I mean, history will always remember them as destroyers, genocidal maniacs, and here you have beautiful works created as labors of love.”

Ving: “Yes, I thought so too. I buy their art, and then kill them.”

Me: “Intriguing.”

——-

This picture is unrelated to all of the previous written thoughts of this update, but I could find none of the below:

1) Original Hitler Art Work

2) Ving Rhames in a Nazi Uniform

3) A satisfactory Picture of a Snake Crawling into Someones Sheets

So, I have substituted a somewhat convincing image of Clint Eastwood in a Nazi Uniform contorting his face into an interesting grin/scowl/pucker/tough guy look.

——-

And a Quote

Thorny: Where are your shoes?
Foster: What are you, the shoe police?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.
Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That’s brown magic.

This Week, In the News*:

* – News is more like my shortsighted ranting.

—

Two Good Nights

– One, Cake, and Bizarre Finger Biting

– Two – Karaokeing (sp?) ACDC

Both resulted in a kind of bizarre lethargy the next day, but Health Concerns mean nothing to a 21 Year Old. Stupid Adolescent Indifference to Life. Well, your own anyway.

—

Oh god, why did they choose ACDC anyway? I told them Boy Named Sue was a better choice, they agreed, but it was not available. Who keeps 20 entries for Britney Spears and 2 for Johnny Cash in any book? Well, maybe the Britney Spears Autobiography*.

* Yeah, like Britney can manipulate a writing instrument to record simple thoughts and ideas. Shed have to dictate**.

** Can you imagine the poor bastard who would have to take dictation from Britney Spears? I shudder upon thinking what his/her life would be like. 

———

I don’t think my window is sealed around the edges, my hands are frozen into typing claws. I need some writing gloves.

———

Alright, you know it, you love it (or despise it with surprising emotional intensity), its the random movie picture and quote of the update:

“I just lost fifty million quid!….in one day.”

—-

Man, they used Ewan MacGregors worst close up shot from the movie on the cover. Ouch.

All I can say is…

Jesus, what girl bites thumbs like this? I mean, it’s like I reached into a croc pen.

After catching Final Destination on USA, I return to my room and a quick IM  session.

(PJ enters room)

PJ: (Pointing to my corkscrew) “You left this open on the counter! I could have killed myself!”  

Me: “Oh, PJAYYYYYYYYYYYYY”

—-

I am confident about my classes. Feels Good.

If I needed a Passport, where would I go?

– I assume 1 Court Square

Will it really snow on Wednesday?

– How magical

How late can your electric bill be before they cut service?

– I hope its more than a week and 3 days

——

Song Du Jour

 —  Otis Redding – White Christmas —