Cork on the Fork

Alert Reader Jenny P. (The “P.” Stands for P) sent me this announcement that
the perfect cat for me was available:

http://home.rica.net/spca/adultcats.htm

His Name: Hitler

Preferred Means of Transportation: 1937 Mark III Rolls Royce
with Swastikas Painted on the Doors

—

I always wanted a cat, especially one so awesome as this. Cats
are awesome because you can just leave them be 90% of the time – I hate having
to deal with slobbering, barking animals (monkeys) 6 hours a day. Cats require
food, and shelter – that’s pretty much it. Love is optional.

——————————-

I think I’ll ask my suitemates if they are allergic to cat
dander or anything.

—–

Have you ever felt really awkward asking your professor a question about
sexuality?

No, neither Have I. What kind of sick bastard would lay that onto an
unsuspecting individual?

Anyway, I was asking my Russian Transitions Professor (She is Russian and She
Teaches Transition from Socialism, it’s Sadly Ironic) and when I asked her for a
handout from the previous class, she responded with,

“And why werent you in class on Monday?”

I responded with a quick lie,

“I was sick, had to take the day off.”

Which, in fact, was totally unnecessary – I had actually missed class to
perform a job interview over the phone. But instinct is instinct, and I feigned
Illness.

At the moment I said this, I simultaneously removed my Hat to show her the
proper courtesy. Unfortunately, I neglected to remember I had recently shaved my
Head. And my Beard.

And that I was currently inhabiting a frame somewhere between 127 and 132
Standard Pounds *

…

You had to be there, but everything came together to nuance the fact that I
was undergoing Chemotherapy.

Yes, I have Cancer. Imaginary Cancer. The Deadliest Kind. **

End Result –

Instead of Receiving the Handout – I received her Personal Copy of the
Textbook it was drawn from, plus, the option to do the assignment based upon it,
“If I was feeling up to it.”

—

I’ve Seen Wit. Cancer is Horrible. But I’ll be damned if I tell that
poor woman her pity or empathy was misplaced.

To Illustrate – Here is a Random Picture of Me where I believe*** that I look
like a cross between John Travolta and Viggo Mortensen,

Magua

—-

* Thank You “Eat Less, Fatty” by Paul Church.

** Not Deadly

***Wish Were True, but not because I want to be that Good Looking, rather, I
wish to be Rich out of My Ass. And Possibly the King of Middle Earth – or really
good at dancing.

—-

Travolta did his Best work with that
Haircut.

Until last night I had nearly forgotten that the London Underworld was so
entertaining. God Knows that If I had the chance to become an illegal
underground boxing promoter I would quit school to pursue it, but I just don’t
see the opportunity coming up. Also, I know next to nothing about boxing, and
even less about the workings of a seedy, crime underworld.

Turkish: What’s happening with those sausages, Charlie?
Charlie: Five minutes, Turkish.
Turkish: It was “two minutes” five minutes ago.

The key to a good conversation is to keep both parties interested in the
topic or “”engaged.” A good conversation can be one-sided, when an intriguing
tale is related to the other party, or it can be two-sded, where each party
exchanges ideas and thoughts.

A bad conversation has none of the below:

– Interest

– Response

– Rational Thought

– One of the parties not wanting to stab the other in the eye with the
closest sharp object

– One of the parties not imagining exactly how difficult it would be
to hide a body, or properly dispose of it to avoid police intervention

I can’t believing this person is still talking.

———

I’m not going to name names, but recently I have been involved in many “bad”
conversations. All with one person. All with one person I now avoid at nearly
all costs just to keep my sanity.

Indirect Results of Mind-Numbing Roommate’s * Constant Jibba-Jabba:

* – “Roommate” may or may not mean Roommate

– Increased Drinking

– Feigning Sleep

– Oven Repair

– Plumbing Concerns

– Fear of Puerto Rico

———–

Ways to Tell if You are of Interest to a Second indivUal correlated with
Konversational responseS (ISUCKS)

— The “K” in “Konversation” stands for Kill Me Please —

Good Responses:
Bad Responses:

1) Your Idea Intrigues Me
1) Meh

2) I Agree
2) Heh

3) I was also thinking that
3) ….

4) Please, tell me more.
4) I have to go……Sort my Sock Drawer

——————————————————–

In A more Pleasant Tone:

– I’ve Placed a new Image Gallery Up, feel free to

look

—–

Movie/Book/TV/Life Quote – Irish Themed

Paul Smecker: “There was a FIRE FIGHT.”

Sgt. Elias: “Barnes believes in what he’s doing.”
Chris Taylor: “And you?”
Sgt. Elias: “Back in ’65? Yeah. Now, no. What happened today is just the
beginning. We’re gonna lose this war.”

—-

In recent news:

I am cold, so very cold.

I took a 4 mile walk, unexpectedly, in a jacket. Foolish.

I knew I was near hypothermia when I thought about breaking into houses to
get warm. I even considered buying coffee from 7-11.

7-11. Yeah. I’m from NOVA for gods sake, anything less than Starbucks is just
swill. I might as well have suggested, “Hey, drink my own Urine. It’ll be Toasty Warm.”

Colder.

I’m going to revert back to childhood instinct.

1) Pile Blankets and Pillows

2) Throw self into Blankets and Pillows

3) Imagine I am King of Pillow and blanket Land.

4) Raise core body temperature to at least
90â—¦

—————-

Did you know China is Responsible
for the Collapse of Communist Socialism?