Cork on the Fork

It turns out that all those trips to UREC have finally paid off…

Lastnight, at around 2AM and for reasons I cannot mention (for fear of
Tarnishing my Immaculate Reputation) I found myself faced with the daunting task
of climbing two stories on the outside of an apartment complex in a
semi-coherent state.

The physics and math of it all were favorable, but for one technicality:

Pros:

– Weight (Now making 124 Ibs of pure Stallone-esque fighting muscle)

– Arm Strength (UREC Bicep Curls)

– Inability to feel pain (NOT a result of Alcohol)

– Tennis Shoes

Con:

– One Useless Hand (*) Wrapped in Non-Gripping Towel Bandage

——–

* Useless due to 2nd (Possibly Third **) Degree burns*** on knuckles, palm,
and back of, hand.

** Wouldn’t that be hardcore!

*** Do not play with Lighter Fuel

——-

Upon realizing that the patio (not the front door, as I didn’t have my keys)
was the only entry option, I surmised that my chances of making it to level 3
from Ground were quite good (In the neighborhood of 80/20, if my math serves me
correctly). Logic dictated that that said climb would take only newbie****
levels of skill to accomplish.

1. I proceeded to grab hold of 2nd level railing from my stance on top of 1st
   level railings.
2. Using my upper musculature I pull myself to level 2’s base.
3. Sandal #1 is lost.
4. Putting the loss of sandal #1 behind me I climb on.
5. Sandal #2 is lost.
6. Now Shoeless (Much Like Jesus Christ at the Scourging) I proceed.
7. Railing on level 2 is uncooperative, multiple tenants seem to have
   deposited urine on slats.
8. Railing #2 is Breached, I laugh hysterically.
9. Towel falls off of aforementioned damaged hand.
10. I cry a little bit (on the inside)
11. I proceed.
12. Left leg is uncooperative, multiple attempts are made to swing the leg
    onto railing level 3.
13. Left leg disregarded
14. Right leg successfully occupies a tremendously uncomfortable position
    wedged between two level 3 slats
15. I reach level 3 Balcony
16. I realize I climbed the wrong side of my building.
17. Tenants of 893K seem perplexed.
18. I proceed through steps 1-> 15 again.
19. Sliding Door on porch level 3 (My apartment this time) is breached.
20. I fix myself a smoothie (I earned it)

**** No Yeti, Arctic Conditions, or Extended Distances

———————————

Quote of the Update:

Professor Henry Jones : Well, he who finds the Grail must face the final
challenge.
Indiana Jones : What final challenge?
Professor Henry Jones : Three devices of such lethal cunning.
Indiana Jones : Booby traps?
Professor Henry Jones : Oh yes. But I found the clues that will safely take us
through, in the Chronicles of St. Anselm.
Indiana Jones : But what are they? Can’t you remember?
Professor Henry Jones : I wrote them down in my Diary so that I wouldn’t have to
remember.