Balcony
It turns out that all those trips to UREC have finally paid off…
Lastnight, at around 2AM and for reasons I cannot mention (for fear of
Tarnishing my Immaculate Reputation) I found myself faced with the daunting task
of climbing two stories on the outside of an apartment complex in a
semi-coherent state.
The physics and math of it all were favorable, but for one technicality:
Pros:
– Weight (Now making 124 Ibs of pure Stallone-esque fighting muscle)
– Arm Strength (UREC Bicep Curls)
– Inability to feel pain (NOT a result of Alcohol)
– Tennis Shoes
Con:
– One Useless Hand (*) Wrapped in Non-Gripping Towel Bandage
——–
* Useless due to 2nd (Possibly Third **) Degree burns*** on knuckles, palm,
and back of, hand.
** Wouldn’t that be hardcore!
*** Do not play with Lighter Fuel
——-
Upon realizing that the patio (not the front door, as I didn’t have my keys)
was the only entry option, I surmised that my chances of making it to level 3
from Ground were quite good (In the neighborhood of 80/20, if my math serves me
correctly). Logic dictated that that said climb would take only newbie****
levels of skill to accomplish.
- I proceeded to grab hold of 2nd level railing from my stance on top of 1st
level railings. - Using my upper musculature I pull myself to level 2’s base.
- Sandal #1 is lost.
- Putting the loss of sandal #1 behind me I climb on.
- Sandal #2 is lost.
- Now Shoeless (Much Like Jesus Christ at the Scourging) I proceed.
- Railing on level 2 is uncooperative, multiple tenants seem to have
deposited urine on slats. - Railing #2 is Breached, I laugh hysterically.
- Towel falls off of aforementioned damaged hand.
- I cry a little bit (on the inside)
- I proceed.
- Left leg is uncooperative, multiple attempts are made to swing the leg
onto railing level 3. - Left leg disregarded
- Right leg successfully occupies a tremendously uncomfortable position
wedged between two level 3 slats - I reach level 3 Balcony
- I realize I climbed the wrong side of my building.
- Tenants of 893K seem perplexed.
- I proceed through steps 1-> 15 again.
- Sliding Door on porch level 3 (My apartment this time) is breached.
- I fix myself a smoothie (I earned it)
**** No Yeti, Arctic Conditions, or Extended Distances
———————————
Quote of the Update:
Professor Henry Jones : Well, he who finds the Grail must face the final
challenge.
Indiana Jones : What final challenge?
Professor Henry Jones : Three devices of such lethal cunning.
Indiana Jones : Booby traps?
Professor Henry Jones : Oh yes. But I found the clues that will safely take us
through, in the Chronicles of St. Anselm.
Indiana Jones : But what are they? Can’t you remember?
Professor Henry Jones : I wrote them down in my Diary so that I wouldn’t have to
remember.