Cork on the Fork

I just remembered my absolute favorite quote of all time….”my” as in “I
fostered the speech”, and not “GOD I LOVE FIGHT CLUB RAWRRRR.”

“Didn’t hurt.”

George Bush:

Alignment: Lawful Evil

Race: Half-Man

Class: Cleric (1) / Thief (13)

Str 11
Dex 15
Con 18
Int 7
Wis 3
Cha 18

Special Abilities:

Can cast feeblemind on American people once / day.

Can use strategery once / day, but only when seated on a commode.

Due to exceptional constitution and prior drug use, Bush gains a +10
bonus for saving throws versus psionic attacks. Adversaries who present
with argumentation involving evolution, freedom of speech,
manifest destiny, or Patriot Act immediately receive a -5
penalty and must successfully save versus death or become stunned for 2d6
turns. Opponents who present logic, reason, or common sense
attacks must roll a successful save versus death or spontaneously combust.

Innate ability to shock and awe once per month. Witnesses within 5′
must roll a successful saving throw versus poison or commit seppuku (+10
bonus if player is a Republican, -50 penalty if Libertarian
or Democrat, those aligned with Green party must roll a successful
save versus poison or be disintegrated).

Can conjure category 5 hurricane once per Presidential term. Potential
victims roll a saving throw on a d20 vs death based upon region. “Economically
challenged” regions receive an immediate -15 penalty, with an additional
-4 penalty if of a race other than half-man. Casualties must roll a d100
to determine level of financial aid; 1-4 results in 2 weeks upon rooftop
with a 50% chance of floods, 90% chance of random encounters with looters;
4-6 results in destruction of property and loss of 5d6 family members (if no
family members, self terminate); 7-90 are confined to hospital
indefinitely; 91-100 are killed outright, but may be resurrected provided
body parts may be located.

Can parley with many primates, including but not limited to chimpanzee,
gorilla, orangutan and macaque. If Bush is in the party,
and said primate is female or hermaphroditic, DM rolls d20 to determine whether
the primate engages in friendly conversation with Bush (1-3), or subdues
Bush and attempts to penetrate Bush anally (4-19), or discusses
Reaganomics with Bush in an an attempt to acquire bananas (20).

Languages: American, Chimpanzee, Pidgin English.

…

Well, Dammit.

It’s all tied up until the 4th Quarter, Texas and Ohio State have been locked
in fierce competition since the beginning of the First Quarter – 9 HOURS AGO.
Both teams quarterback’s have been pummeled like the walls of Jerusalem (circa
900 AD). Running backs for OSU and Texas have been decimated, with each team
looking to their 2nd backup for any relief. Wide Receivers are no longer able to
grasp the football due to the most severe aggravated-joint-inflammation ever
recorded by sports medicine. OSU and Texas fans have destroyed their vocal
cords, but still emit squeal after high-pitched squeal through their bloody,
shredded voiceboxes. No one can foresee anything but a depressing, suicide-
inducing loss for Ohio State. Somehow, Texas has recorded a Safety due to the
crappy officiating. Yet, Jim Tressel has a plan.

Ted Ginn, Jr, whose origins are unknown at this point – only that he was found
in a Botswana Jungle after 13 years of Diamond Wars by a band of Chinese
Mercenaries searching for the lost sarcophagus of Chairman Mao and brought to an
ancient prophet versed in the forgotten arts of Ming Dynasty medicine – is
called in as quarterback.

Ginn drops back, muttering ancient Mongolian chants that only he can understand.
Suddenly, each member of the offensive line bursts forward at the exact same
moment, even the wide receivers and tight ends contribute with devastating blows
to their opponents across the line of scrimmage. Ted Ginn stands completely
still for over 27 seconds.

In a moment of complete clarity, Jim Tressel, Ted Ginn, Jesus Christ, and Spock
from Star Trek II, achieve a perfect mental connection. Ginn knows what he must
do. He is on the 20 yard line.

Arching his arm back, surveying the path before him (much like a parting of the
red sea), and understanding his purpose in life, he steps forward.

With Saintly poise, he launches the football in a perfect 45 Degree arc, on
target to the endzone that represents all that is good and holy in the known
universe.

In stunning fashion, he takes off with Mercurian speed that only Einstein,
Jesse Owens, 3 Apollo Astronauts, ands Helio Castroneves can comprehend. Tesax
Linemen fall like chunks off the Berlin Wall, and the last Texas safety tears
every muscle out of his outstretched arm in a vain attempt to clutch Ginn’s
seemingly flaming footwear.

In an entirely unexpected scenario, every receiver on the OSU team has been
unable to break through the line to reach the destination of the still-spiraling
football. Yet, Ginn was prepared. Still running, nay Sprinting, Ginn reached out
in front of him without even sighting the ball behind him – faithful that the
sweet Christ will deliver him his victory (the football). As if the football
were a newborn babe, Ginn accpeted the ball in his hands without the
slightest effort. Ginn was the passer AND the receiver. The Alpha and the
Omega. The one True God for that split second.

Confident – but not over-confident – in his reception, Ginn manages to leap to
the endzone (over 23 yards away) with one swift muscle movement in his
hamstrings and calves. Upon arriving, he kneels, assumes a prostrate position,
and thanks the Penates (Household Gods, in Latin Historical Perspective) for
this gift bestowed upon him

And the officiating team, having never witnessed such fantastic play on the
field of football before, agree to award OSU 7 points. This is not the result of
a touchdown and the extra point, rather, 7 points is awarded because of the
divine nature of the number 7.

Final Score: OSU 7, Texas 2.