Bush D&D
George Bush:
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Race: Half-Man
Class: Cleric (1) / Thief (13)
Str 11
Dex 15
Con 18
Int 7
Wis 3
Cha 18
Special Abilities:
Can cast feeblemind on American people once / day.
Can use strategery once / day, but only when seated on a commode.
Due to exceptional constitution and prior drug use, Bush gains a +10
bonus for saving throws versus psionic attacks. Adversaries who present
with argumentation involving evolution, freedom of speech,
manifest destiny, or Patriot Act immediately receive a -5
penalty and must successfully save versus death or become stunned for 2d6
turns. Opponents who present logic, reason, or common sense
attacks must roll a successful save versus death or spontaneously combust.
Innate ability to shock and awe once per month. Witnesses within 5′
must roll a successful saving throw versus poison or commit seppuku (+10
bonus if player is a Republican, -50 penalty if Libertarian
or Democrat, those aligned with Green party must roll a successful
save versus poison or be disintegrated).
Can conjure category 5 hurricane once per Presidential term. Potential
victims roll a saving throw on a d20 vs death based upon region. “Economically
challenged” regions receive an immediate -15 penalty, with an additional
-4 penalty if of a race other than half-man. Casualties must roll a d100
to determine level of financial aid; 1-4 results in 2 weeks upon rooftop
with a 50% chance of floods, 90% chance of random encounters with looters;
4-6 results in destruction of property and loss of 5d6 family members (if no
family members, self terminate); 7-90 are confined to hospital
indefinitely; 91-100 are killed outright, but may be resurrected provided
body parts may be located.
Can parley with many primates, including but not limited to chimpanzee,
gorilla, orangutan and macaque. If Bush is in the party,
and said primate is female or hermaphroditic, DM rolls d20 to determine whether
the primate engages in friendly conversation with Bush (1-3), or subdues
Bush and attempts to penetrate Bush anally (4-19), or discusses
Reaganomics with Bush in an an attempt to acquire bananas (20).
Languages: American, Chimpanzee, Pidgin English.
…
Well, Dammit.