How much do Owners Club, Box Tickets go for at Fedex Field for the San
Diego game? 100 bucks, 500 bucks? More than I would pay, anyway.
I wish we were playing the Browns.
Oh god, I am going to cry.
Thanksgiving is coming up, which means its finally time to watch the Cowboys
beat the crap out of somebody (they’re about 67-2 on thanksgiving day) and the
magnificent meat-gorging and potato-spooning meal of awesomeness that we all
enjoy on the 4th Thursday in November. For most people, this means a 2 day
Holiday (One if you’re in banking and finance, and about 3 if you’re a student),
but even greater than that it means that we can give thanks to the Native
Americans who kindly bestowed upon us the secret art of “growing food and not
starving to death.” Unfortunately, we subsequently murdered and exiled
them after that, but we did not murder that god damn delicious turkey recipe
(the one where you insert a chicken carcass into a duck orifice, and the duck
carcass into a turkey orifice – John Madden Style).
In honor of all this, I watched The Last of the Mohicans and the scene
in Predator when Billy dies (he’s Native American, that’s why he can
smell Invisible Aliens). After all this, I plan to make a sacrifice to
Squanto and to burn a copy of The Indian in the Cupboard upon an altar of
European Scalps and Buffalo Hides. I invite you all to do the same (or
come watch me do it – if that’s you’re thing, you sick bastard).
—
This week:
* Sungard took myself and two coworkers out to A very nice (500 Dollar?)
dinner and front row, behind the goal, seats at a Caps Game (125 a
piece?). Wow, I wish had that kind of money to blow.
* I made the best pizza ever
* Mr. Louis and I agreed I’d work the day after Thanksgiving, in exchange for
the day after Christmas (is observed).
* Here’s a picture I found of a typical female (could it be male?) Steelers
fan. I hope a certain Pittsburgher whose name starts with ‘P’ wretches and
projectile vomits after seeing this. No offense.
|
“I LOVE HINES WARD AND BEN ROTHLISBERGER SO MUCH THAT I THE POWER OF COWHER IS INSIDE ME AS WELL!” |
G) Hello, Welcome to (Generic Supermarket). If you have a
(coupon card specific to this Corporation) please scan it now.
G) Congratulations, Your personal identification has been accepted.
You are now eligible to make purchases and file tax returns in (applicable
state.)
M) (Scan Bologna).
G) Bologna accepted.
M) (Scan Crispix Brand Breakfast Cereal)
G) Unrecognized breakfast configuration – sales manager will confirm you are
of legal age to purchase breakfast item.
M) Breakfast Cereal is confirmed.
M) (Scan Carton of eggs)
G) Rescan item, please.
M) Rescan.
G) Item unrecognized. Report to Egg/Dairy Clerk to verify item is “egg/s?”
M) Dairy clerk informs you item is “unknown pathogen/nerve agent”
G) Item is confiscated because it represents a threat to a grocery customer.
…….
M) Scan “Frozen Hash browns a la McCain’s.”
G) Item is age-restricted. Produce ID and Work VISA to status-active Food
Control Agent.
M) Produce documents.
G) Customer has not been recognized as US-13 class agent. Sales to
non-military personnel are restricted. Your name has been sent to the Department
of Defense’s terrorists watch list list.
M) Scan Boboli PIZZA CRUST.
G) You are now #1 on the CIA most wanted list.
M) Scan Hummus
G) DR) Hello, this is Donald Rumsfeld. Why are you purchasing this
item?
M) Nourishment.
G) Navy ISOPS will be at your home in less than 23 minutes, regards.
M) ISOPS?
G) Interrogation Personnel.
M) I still have gumballs and beef left to buy,
G) remain CALM, ARE YOUR FINGERNAILS SENSITIVE?
.
