Cork on the Fork

I don’t especially want to come off as another one of the Teeming Masses of
Tourists that venture to other countries with stupid stories about drinking or
partying or what unique cultural sight that they stood in line for an hour to
marvel at, so I’m going to recount the episodes that actually go beyond those. I
like to call them “Differences” or “Nuances.”

1) There are no major drinking problems in countries where alcohol is
treated like any other enjoyable beverage. If beer was sold like kool-aid, you’d
drink it like kool-aid. An enjoyable glass here or there, but no dramatic
binges.

2) Food portions in the US are extremely large. That was all well and good
when the average person did 5 hours of manual labor a day, but it may not be the
best idea for those of us who spend long hours behind desks typing. Ex: 1 Cup of
Ice Cream = 3 Dollars.

3) People are not afraid to exist in close proximity outside of this country.
Buildings are smaller, seats are closer, aisles are narrower. Yeah, it’s
probably partially responsible for the plague, but what you lose in hygiene you
make up for in daily social interaction amongst a species.

4) Newcastle is a city North of London.

5) I would characterize the US as a Christian Nation. Not an entirely good
thing.

My most comical incident involved the rather insane system of
suggesting a price as not one number, but two numbers combined.

Example:

Clerk: “That bottle of Gin is 10 Pounds 2.”

Me: “So…..12 Pounds?”

Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: (In my Head) “No wonder they lost the Empire.”

—————————–

And Now. My nomination for Best British Actor.

And without knowing it, I’ve spent most of my adult life with
a chubby employee.

Oh Yeah, Check Out this sweet Quicktime Panorama.

Link

If you don’t care for Quicktime, check the JPEG.

A more extensive update will be posted at a later date, but for now..

——————–

I dislike the US more than I did before.

Today’s Highlight:

Seth told me I looked like Bruce Willis (I was wearing my comical sunglasses,
a bum hat, and my new Hobo jacket), but he brought me back to reality by adding,
“You know, without all the muscles.”

Someday, Somewhere, I’ll find someone who really believes I’m Bruce Willis.
Probably a Blind Person.

Today’s Lowlight:

My Econ Teacher believes I’m brain-dead because my assclown homework
partner turned in his assigned portion of the homework with…..I don’t
know…maybe one correct problem out of 6. I’m pretty sure he did the graph in
crayon too, which wouldn’t be that bad, except it was supposed to illustrate an
Engel Curve for something. Engel curves never look good in crayon.

I swear to god, he used the word “fir” in place of “for” in the paper. I
mean, I understand if you have a southern accent – but why would you just decide
to have a southern accent when you actually write things down?

Example:

Normal Southerner: “I went to the store today.”

Retarded Southerner: “I wint down to dee Star tooday.”

Notice how you still maintain the grammatical and structural accuracy
of English when Sane, versus forgetting them entirely when Insane?

——

“I don’t want anything I don’t deserve, (but) if they offer me
more money, I’m not a-stupid.”

“I’m your huckleberry.”

Gotta Love a Guy that Can Function with a BAL of .2 and has
Assimilated the Word “Huckleberry” into his very extensive Vocabulary.

I always feel bad when I do an “obligated” update, but there has been too
much social interaction in the last few days for me to just ignore it.

In Chronological Order:

– PJ, regardless of how I sounded, Keller Williams doe snot sound like early
dave mathews. Frankly, it bothered me that he had a song based loosely on my
middle name. I overreacted, I’m Sorry. No one deserves to be connoted with Dave
Mathews.

– Sara M, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is our Common Bond. Let it never die. However,
I would like to note that I feel no different than a year ago, and my beard
should not dissuade you. I still wear shorts when it’s 10 Degrees, and Poke Fun
at Jerry. Only now, I wear a different jacket and Hate American Idol even more.
I’m glad to say, Mischa Barton does, indeed, keep the OC bearable. Oh Two
Things: A skirt and Pants? and… Wow, you were Super Hyper when you saw Me and
J-Dawg. Of course, it was 24 Degrees, So I wont fault you for squirming like a
kielbasa on a hot griddle.

Jenny – Although Initially Pained by your Comments about different people
disliking me ( I don’t mind being hated, as long as its for my Fascist and
Politically Incorrect temperament) I quickly recovered and realized your company
added an uncanny dynamic into the intricate pre-off campus social web. Sweet,
Sweet, memories. Sweet, Sweet, Free candy on the 1st Floor.

Kona, perhaps the only example of a successful JMU graduate. It all boiled down
to when you asked for a menu item that didn’t have the word “Gigantic” in the
title. For many reasons, you epitomized what was Right, and what was wrong with
the World We Live in. I applaud you, but I still believe your Dog is in fact
Male.

Jerry, Your shenanigans never get old. And, you owe me at least 3 Dollars.

——————————

There’s nothing better than the feeling you get from buying 3 donuts and coffee
from a gas station at 12:40 in the AM. Case Closed.

Anthony: “One morning, over at Elizabeth’s beach house, she
asked me if I’d rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only
did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another
water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my
life.”

—-

Oh, where can I get one of those wonderful jumpsuits?

I never thought finding a god damn jacket that I liked would be so tough. I
almost considered waiting till England to buy myself something like it, but then
it dawned on me, “Should it take an international plane trip just to satisfy my
desire for a non ‘trucker-like’ article of clothing?”

As luck would have it – 16 Bucks at T.J. Maxx.

——-

Apparently Poker has come back into Style.

My BEARD has been the subject of another denigrating remark.

ABSOLUT CITRON is still fiercely gay.

——-

The Cork Shadowbox dream is becoming a reality, largely due to my persistence
in the “Find things where People Impersonate the Retarded” Field of Interest.
The one and only 8 x 10 photo of Steve Martin as Ruprecht the Monkey Boy will no
longer be relegated to some hollywood hack’s urine-soaked basement.

Restaurant Rating:

– El Charro – Margarita’s are Good. Food is Authentic. Chips are Plentiful.
Female populace of the Restaurant is Attractive. Male Populace is old, and
mostly fat.

– Mints are 5 for $1.00

—

I felt bad for making Jerry Drive me to the West End of Rural Harrisonburg,
popularly known as “Hell’s Anus,” so that’s what I did to cheer him up. No, not
“Hell’s Anus” Him, go to El Charro.

—

Also, I feel someone has an alcohol problem when they have consumed a case of
bud before 3 PM. Send Steve’s Family your condolences.

and, In Summary……

Jackson Bentley: “What attracts you personally to the desert?”
T.E. Lawrence: “It’s clean.”

You know who’s a Great Actor? No, not Ashton Kutcher. Get the hell off this
website, sicko.

Michael Caine.

——

In Other News:

This Passion of the Christ Movie looks pretty hardcore. I don’t really
believe in Jesus or God or Anything, but I can admire the sacrifice. Although, I
should point out that the Passion is really just the scene in Braveheart where
Mel Gibson gets disemboweled drawn out for 2 hours.

In Yet another unrelated Matter, you know what a Great TV Program is? Great
Chefs. It’s on the Travel Channel.

I used to watch TV to entertain myself, now I do it to relax. They are
actually quite different. I hate things where I have to listen attentively, I
listen attentively all day. That’s what I do in my Lectures. I like Great Chefs
because I can just absorb what they teach. I figure, I might as well have a
quiet Portuguese man Romance me through his Interesting Methods of Cooking, and
Peaceful rhythmic intonations, and maybe I’ll even pick up a language here or
there – maybe even a Recipe for Asparagus* Soup.

* The Single Most Underrated Vegetable. It’s delicious.

After Purchasing an Enjoyable Marya Stewart lamp to augment the lighting in my room, I can safely say that my Room is 67% less gloomy, with a 45% Gain in Jazziness. It’s the little things that make all the diffrence.

On a sad note: Jen told me this website sucks. Now, I can’t exactly argue otherwise, but I would like to remind everyone that this website is run by one person – Me. Well, possibly two, if you count Lowtax, whose teachings have been more influential to me over the years than Jesus “The Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson” Christ and The Prophet “Free AK-47’s for Everyone” Muhammad have been to crazy religous people everywhere. Simply put, one man cannot be expected to put up entertaining articles every single day, or even once a week for that matter.

However, to appease Jen, I told her I would write about people she knew – heres what I’ve got.

Jen: She is alive and Well, living in…….Northern Cambodia, with a small group of crazy religous people, who kill everyone that comes up the river. Much like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Carrie: (Who I believe Lives with Jen) Is involved in a class action lawsuit against the makers of Pine-Sol, for deliberate defamation of Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean’s Image, and his Relationship with Mrs. Clean.

Inna: (Who, also, I believe lives with Jen) Is quite involved with being Russian. That is all I know.

Suck It Trebek, I mean Jen.

——

Anyway, In recent events

– PJ does an alarmingly good dance number with some woman while heavily intoxicated

– The apartment is fresh and clean, for 4 whole hours

– We may be filling the empty room with a small girl who hates Zane Showker Hall. That’s my kind of Roommate.

Love and a Bullet

Thats the Only Movie Ive Seen that Mixes Cooking Cornbread, Killing, and Young, Black Urban Males. For Comical Effect.

Having Seen last Weekend only through my Viewpoint, I cannot truly
Comment on how Insane the bulk of it was.

The only Man who can speak on the Sheer Level of Chaos I presume to
have Occured is one PJ Williamson, and none of us wants to Tread into
that dark and horrible region of humanity.

Official MP3 for Reading this Update:

—————-
—————-
—————-

A Mere Boy, PJ enjoys some Apple Juice

No longer a Mere Boy, He Enjoys the Drink of Men: Beer. Also, Notice How I’m Oddly Caressing Jerry’s Shoulder.

Click Here To See a Man Lick PJ’s Ear

Click Here
To See A Special Edition of the Above-Right Picture, Supposing We Were
Killed By a Drunk Driver

———–

Anyway, Besides the Cleaning and the now Infamous Chocolate Cake
Fiasco, It was a Fun Time.

———–

In Other News:

– Twin Dinners In Staunton and Harrisonburg were Quite Fun. Good Job
K-Dawg and J-Dawg.

– Pretty Soon Valentines Day Candy Goes on Sale = Shopping Spree

– Never, Ever, eat only Chocolate in a Day

– 21 Days Till Break

———–

Captain Renault:
In 1935, you ran guns to Ethiopia. In 1936, you fought in Spain, on the
Loyalist side.
Rick:
I got well paid for it on both occasions.
Captain Renault:
The winning side would have paid you much better.

—-

Never Before has a Man Looked So Good in a White Tux.

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