Cork on the Fork

Replicator Dynamics:

I was fading in and out of coherence as the minutes passed by,
Replicator Dynamics was being forced into my skull.

The two shots of espresso were not enough.

That, my friends, is why I enjoy education.
—————-

Today I am Interested in Mandarin Collars:

Besides looking very sharp, it also serves as an extra layer of warmth
for the neck region.

As my Father used to say*, “If it’s good enough for the evil puppeteer
ruler of an evil human-sacrificing, monkey-brain eating cult, By God
it’s good enough for me!”

* – It’s funny I said “used to say” since my father is, in fact, still
alive and well, with full use of his vocal chords.

—
On the down side – the Mandarin Collar seems to be unpopular right now
in the Fashion Industry. I can definetely see how it would come off
Priestly, or how it could be cumbersome if you were extremely obese,
and therefore had no neck.

Alas, the search shall continue at Local Apparel Retailers, as well as
Ebay.

Best. Hot Chcolate. Ever.

Notice the Rainbow Colors? Justice League Marshmallows.

I was on no sleep this weekend. I am grateful for sleep now.

In Finishing, where can one purchase an Erotic Cake?

Today I Learned 3 Important Things:

1) Buyng Sheets of Lexan Can Be a cost-effective way of making your own
picture frames. However, you must be willing to become a
glass smith.

2) Colored (or “Festive”) Lightbulbs can turn any dreary, unimaginative
apartment into a dreary, unimaginative apartment , except now it looks
like a serial killer lives there.

3) It’s never too late for a random party to start in your apartment.
I’m talking 3 am and not ending until daylight. All I know is I went to
bed at 1, woke up and found 80 empty cans, then went back to bed.
I think I remember someone talking about Poultry.

—————

[Bellamy tells
him he’s behind enemy lines]

Oddball: So they tell
me. Everybody round here is very friendly. Look, baby, I’m kinda hung
up. I need sixty feet of bridge.

Bellamy:
Hey, kid, they haven’t got you in the nut ward again?

Oddball:
Ah, Bellamy, for cryin’ out loud. That’s the the stinking, most awful,
stupid joke and you’re always pullin’ that stinking awful stupid joke.

You don’t want in this thing, you
don’t get in this thing. I cut you in on everything. I don’t need you.
Sixty feet of bridge I can get almost anywhere. Schmuck!

Costs and Utility:

Dinner with 4 People at a Popular Restaurant: $18.00

The Mere Thought of a Quiet Evening Alone, Relaxing in Your Suede
Slippers and Reading Your Favorite Book: $20

Being Surprised by 4 Guys and their Affinity for Friday Night
Exuberance, Resulting in Taking Possession of FOUR Cases of Natty
Light, and the Shame that Goes with that: $60

Convincing Them that They Need to Shave Their Heads Like Space Monkeys:
Priceless.

Check this out….

When I went to bed I was the perfect specimen of manhood, when I awoke,
This was the case:

Note: Eyeball is actual size

—–

I hope this means I’m turning into some kind of uber-human.

I hope it doesnt mean I have cancer.

——

I did have a dream about being a Garbage Man, and this looks like the
eyeball of a particularly dirty garbage man.

Also, I had a dream about being stabbed in the eye with a needle. Was
it like being in the Matrix, where If I think I’m getting needled in
the eye then I really do?

Sure, you could laugh at me and say things like,

“He’s they guy who measured his apartment to see if he could fit a
scale version of the X-Wing Fighter from Star Wars inside, assuming the
landing gear was retracted. He, good sir, as a pizza would be the
‘Loser Supreme'”

or

“Yes, I’ve spoken to him on many occasions, Each occasion more
depressing and fu$%boggling then the last.”

—

However,  I may be the first to know that, yes, I could fit an
X-Wing in here, and , indeed,, the phrase, “F^*boggle” was coined and
will forever be mine.

Go ahead, Cure Cancer, Colonize the Solar System. Where it counts, I’ve
already won.*

—

* – Only Monkeys read the asterisk.

Indulge My Patrick Stewart Affinity for a Few Minutes…

—

[ young Man enters Sexy Cakes bakery ]

Baker: Hi! Welcome to Sexy Cakes, the erotic bakery.

Young Man: I walk by this place, I never thought I’d go inside it.

Baker: Well, I think you’ll find that it’s a little more fun than an
ordinary bakery.

Young Man: Yeah, my friend’s having a bachelor party, and I thought it
might be kind of fun if I got him an erotic cake.

Baker: Well, you have come to the right place. I have the perfect sexy
cake for a bachelor party. [ opens box ] Oh, what about this one. What
do you think?

Young Man: Looks like a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah! It’s very sexy!

Young Man: What else do you have?

Baker: Oh, I understand.. it’s not, perhaps, your cup of tea. Perhaps,
maybe this sexy cake might be more up your alley. [ opens box ]

Young Man: This is the exact same cake.

Baker: No, no, no.. this is chocolate.

Young Man: Yeah, but it’s still a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Exactly! [ customers walk in ] Oh.. could you excuse me for a
moment?

Gay Guy 1: Hi, we’re here to pick up our cake.

Gay Guy 2: [ sighs ] Yes, the man-on-man lemon meringue.

Baker: Right. [ retrieves cake ] I took a little artistic license with
this one, but, well, I think you’ll enjoy the results.

Gay Guy 1: Hey, this is a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah, it’s very exciting, isn’t it? That’ll be $15.

Gay Guy 1: We wanted a cake of two guys having sex.

Baker: Yeah, I know.. I guess you could say I sexied it up for you! No
extra charge.

Gay Guy 2: [ whispering to his buddy ] The party’s tonight.. [ to Baker
] We’ll take it.

Baker: Thank you! [ customers leave, returns to Young Man ] Uh, you’ll
have to excuse me, it has been like this all day.

Young Man: What other types of cakes do you have?

Baker: Well, why don’t we take a look at our catalogue.. [ opens
catalogue ] Now, you see this, it shows every sexy, titilating cake we
offer. Oh, now here’s a woman squatting behind some bushes – the leaves
are made of spun sugar. And.. [ laughs ] ..here’s a lady using a little
mazipan port-o-potty.

Young Man: So, all your cakes are women going to the bathroom?

Baker: Yeah. What’s your point?

Young Man: Well, don’t you have anything else?

Baker: Maybe you don’t understand – this is an erotic bakery.

Young Man: I’m sorry, I just don’t find this very erotic.

Baker: A woman gonig to the bathroom, you don’t find it erotic?

Young Man: No, not really.

Baker: Well, then, what, pray tell, would you suggest we do put on our
erotic cakes?

Young Man: I don’t know.. people having sex.. female and male
genitalia.. you know, something like that.

Baker: Well, if that’s what you’re after, I suggest you try Hostess or
Sara Lee!

Young Man: Can’t you just make a cake with a couple on it having sex?

Baker: Alright, look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do.. I will make a cake
with a woman and a man going to the bathroom. And, that way, you’ll be
happy, and your friends will be happy.

Young Man: I don’t think my friends would like that, either.

Baker: Well, I would certainly like to meet these friends of yours
sometime.

Young Man: Look, could we just have a cake with sex and no going to the
bathroom?

Baker: May I remind you that you are going to have to eat this cake?

Young Man: I’ll tell you what – just give me a regular cake with
nothing on it.

Baker: [ closes catalogue abruptly ] I’m sorry. I’m going to have to
ask you to leave.

Young Man: Why?

Baker: This is some kind of joke, isn’t it? Who put you up to this, a
fraternity?! You get out! Go on, get out of here, young man!

[ Young Man runs out of the bakery ]

[ Woman enters bakery ]

Woman: Hi. Um.. it’s my fiance’s birthday.. um, can I get a cake shaped
like a woman going to the bathroom?

Baker: Ab-so-lutely! [ winks at camera ]

——

I don’t know why, but after talking to Riechers this morning, The
Erotic Cakery just came to mind.

It seems to me like Riechers would be the kind of person to become an
erotic cake baker.

Plus, Patrick Stewart is a Dreamboat.

——-

Also, My Bill Murray Poster came today. I am going to frame it
and place it next to my Ron Livingston/Vat 69 Shrine.

Tonight, I anoint myself “Master of Crazy Phrases.”

As I realized the candle I was lighting was leaking onto my leg, –
searing, boiling wax – I frantically took down the term “I
spilling wax on myself” into my tape recorder. Between my obsession
with the infamous “All your base are belong to us” and “Hewwo” I am
closer and closer to giving up on the correct grammatical construction
of sentences that I once strove to deliver with supreme eloquence. I
cannot explain the occurences – but I can blame, and I blame the
Internet.

——

In Game Theory we spent 45 Minutes analyzing “Rock, Paper,
Scissors” in terms of Nash Equilibria (Clue – There are none!) But if
you ddn’t already know that – You must be the biggest Loser at Rock,
Paper, Scissors ever. The infamous example is that of Young Bart
Simpson, who without fail would play “Rock” every turn – regarding the
“Rock” as the superior move. Clearly, his strategy was dominated.
Speaking of which – How come paper beats rock? I understand Paper ->
Scissors and Scissors->Rock, but why should a piece of paper beat a
rock?

—–

Today, PJ received his spanking-new Dell Laptop. It’s better than
Christmas for techies, and that includes me, even though I do not
personally own the laptop. My expernces with Dell have been mixed: I
think their pc’s are so-so, but i really enjoy the way they will
replace laptops even though it’s obvious you purposely destroyed them
in an attempt to kill “Steve” himself.. Steve is the evil blond kid
that lives inside all Dells, and he is more terrible than the dark lord
himself.

To compete with PJ’s new wireless freedom I busted out my wirelss mouse
and keyboard and stood next to him typing furiously make myself feel
better about it. Unfortunately, I generated 2 pages of jibberish
unsuitable for reading by even the most retarded public school children.

——-

Know what the best vegetable is? Peas.

Best Drink? Coffee

Best method to cook fish? Poaching.

…

Go forth with this knowledge and make good on your promises to yourself.

Living Off Campus has limited several of the activities I used to undertake regulalrly while living on campus. Foremost among those is the activity, I kid you not, of walking.

This is not to say that I’m one of those kids who drives a hummer
around because my wealthy parents treat me like an action figure, who
needs all the accesories to be cool, but because I instead ride a bike
– in the hopes of making the miles go by faster. In this case, they do.
it’s simple, efficient individual tranpsortation.

However, going 20 Mph past speeding traffic limits the mental
activities I can undertake during the activity, for example: Walking v.
Biking

Instead of…..
I…..

—-
Today, in a quest for Chocolate Banana Cappucino, I walked from The
Court House, to Olde Mill, to ISAT, and to Godwin – the most wonderful
thing I noticed?

The flecks of gravel in pure white snow that made it look like
Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. I swear, If I was Wordsworth, that would have
been a smahing 17th Centruy Literary Masterpiece, but alas, I possess
neither his ultra-extensive vocabulary, or proclivity for finding the
beauty in simple words and phrases.

Well, that and he was a wonderful poet.
—–

Today’s Surreal/Awkward Moment:

Route 10, 4:00 PM – The Bus Radio Plays R. Kelly – Ignition (Remix).

My Brain, 4:01 PM – Will to Live Finally Crushed.

—–

Quoted:

Prof. Alexander: “……..Yes, It’s much like the change in the
direction of the breeze by the seashore in the evening, versus the
morning.”

(Awkward Silence)

(15 Seconds)

Kid From Cyprus: “What is a breeze?”

———————

In Other News:

– It is worth the walk to ISAT for Banana Chocolate Cappucino. I urge
all of you with available personal transportation to TAKE ME WITH YOU
whenever you go past this building. I will throw in a free Cappucino,
or maybe even a Hersheys Smores Bar.

Official
Banana Themed Song of CorkontheFork

As far as snow goes, let’s just say this: Now and Forever, disregarding
the thousands, and probably millions, of deaths that were a direct
result of bitter cold and icy precipitation, snow will always be my
favorite meteorological factor. Above Hurricanes, Tornados, Lightning,
and the once Vaunted El Nino weather phenonmenon, snow reigns supreme.

——————-
In Other News:

Return of the King has stolen at least 15 hours of my life – albeit, I
probably wouldn’t have cured cancer in those 12 hours anyway (and
neither would you, if you’re reading this – so don’t get all high and
mighty about wasting time)

On the plus side – Legolas and Faramir both possess the Fire Weapon
Capability – which I found pathetically ironic since I discovered them
whilst there were conditions of extreme cold and snow outside my
wondow, not 4 feet away.

—

Anyway – I’m a little bummed since I apparently missed put on the
purchase of the 50th anniversary playboy issue, that was on newsstands.
Hell, I don’t even really like Playboy, but it seems like I should
support any American Institution in it’s 50th Year. Oh Well, Hef well
be fine in all likelihood with his bevy of beauties and millions of
dollars.

—
Questions:

-Can Ashton Kutcher not play a semi retarded charcter and be
believeable?

– How come an egg-creme milkshake does not contain eggs? (Hint: I know
the answer. do you? It has nothing to do with Tony Blair or Iraq)

– Did you know 7-11 has a candy cane cappucino? Neither did I. It
should have stayed that way.

—–

Tom Sizemore: “You may recognize me as Tom Sizemore, an actor in many
popular films. I occasionally star along Tom Hanks as well as Beat Up
my Girlfriends.”

This Movie (The Relic): “Nice to meet
you Tom – I plan to undereutilize your Talents, and cast you as an
action hero-cop, that falls in love with a perky genetic engineer.”
Tom Sizemore: “Excellent.”