Cork on the Fork

Thus begins the Great Picture Weirdness of Our Time:

…(Conversation prior to this point was uneventful)…

Me: “Yeah, Alright”

Picture-Taking Lady: “Now sit still and I’ll count one, two, three – but remain still for a few more seconds, or the camera gets a little fuzzy.”

Me: “Sure.”

Picture-Taking Lady: “Smile.”

Me: (I grudgingly half-smirk, but its half assed – since I hate pictures of me smiling)

Picture-Taking Lady: “You look like youre stoned.”

……….(Several Awkward Seconds Elapse)…..

Me: “Ring-A Ding Ding?”

Picture-TakingLady: “Yeah, it’s a friday afternoon, It’s college after all.”

Me: “I can’t believe that you actually said that. I mean, I’m a serious student – I usually study on friday nights.”

Picture-Taking Lady: “Yeah.”

Me: “Wicked Awesome!”

Jerry: “I’m scared of the picture lady, now. ‘

Me: “So am I, Jerry, so am I…………RUN!”

—————————————–

Oh yeah, I look kinda like kevin Rose.

There’s something wrong about reading an essay that was translated from German, to Russian, to English over the course of 130 Years or So.  When Karl Marx started to read like a crappy port of a japanese video game – the jig was up.

———

Sadly, in order to make the Bush State of the Union bearable I was forced to use chemicals to calm my jangled nerves. I was going to try cough syrup and Mr. Clean, but i ended up sticking to a more proven method…..

Regardless, it resulted in one of the PJ/Paul “why raising taxes will solve all our problems” discussions that I’ve had before – perhaps it was wrong to drop that and head to photoshops of Lotr and automobiles.

——

Notes to Self:

– Pavlova, Ballerina and Dessert

– Nighy, write the letter

– KotOR, whe it drops below 40

– Buy a Hat that covers my ears

 

Sometimes I have to stand back and Laugh at how incredibly stupid some of my dreams are, in this case: 2 themed dreams probably resulting from consuming 2 vending machine hostess cupcakes right before bed.

Dream 1 – Black Adders and Sleeping Outside

The greatest thing about dreams is that you can be presented with a totally illogical and unprecedented setting in which for the dream to occur – and you still accept it with total non-chalance.

Setting: I am sleeping on a dock, at 3 in the afternoon, with huge blanket, and water is hitting me in the side of the head.

Actions: A poisonous snake crawls into my blankets, but does not proceed to bite me. A “snake doctor” witnesses the event and wakes me up.

Me: “What?”

Snake Man: “A snake crawled into your blankets. A very poisonous one.”

Me: “I’m sure it will be on its way soon, until then, I will continue sleeping.”

Snake Man: “Indeed.”

Snake: (Slithers peacefully away)

Me: “Meh.”

—

What is the significance of that? Am I not afraid of snakes? Am I not suppose to sleep in local waterways?

———

Dream 2 – The Black Nazi and His Hatred of Art Dealers

Setting: A german castle, circa 1936, in which a large and powerful black man (in this case, played by Ving Rhames) is situated across from me at a large, gothic style, wooden table.

Me: “Yes, your collection is quite impressive.”

Ving: “Only the best, for Mrs. Rhames Baby Boy.”

Me: “Haha Vat 69, only the best for Mrs. Nixons Baby Boy!?”

Ving: “Is that an inside joke?”

Me: “Uh, yes. Nevermind.”

..

Me: “So, where did you get all this stuff? I’d love to own a piece.”

Ving: “Mostly German Art Dealers, filthy Nazis all of them.”

Me: “I see, well Nazi art is the best, I mean, maybe not the art, but the idea of having something created by a nazi is very ironic. I mean, history will always remember them as destroyers, genocidal maniacs, and here you have beautiful works created as labors of love.”

Ving: “Yes, I thought so too. I buy their art, and then kill them.”

Me: “Intriguing.”

——-

This picture is unrelated to all of the previous written thoughts of this update, but I could find none of the below:

1) Original Hitler Art Work

2) Ving Rhames in a Nazi Uniform

3) A satisfactory Picture of a Snake Crawling into Someones Sheets

So, I have substituted a somewhat convincing image of Clint Eastwood in a Nazi Uniform contorting his face into an interesting grin/scowl/pucker/tough guy look.

——-

And a Quote

Thorny: Where are your shoes?
Foster: What are you, the shoe police?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.
Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That’s brown magic.

This Week, In the News*:

* – News is more like my shortsighted ranting.

—

Two Good Nights

– One, Cake, and Bizarre Finger Biting

– Two – Karaokeing (sp?) ACDC

Both resulted in a kind of bizarre lethargy the next day, but Health Concerns mean nothing to a 21 Year Old. Stupid Adolescent Indifference to Life. Well, your own anyway.

—

Oh god, why did they choose ACDC anyway? I told them Boy Named Sue was a better choice, they agreed, but it was not available. Who keeps 20 entries for Britney Spears and 2 for Johnny Cash in any book? Well, maybe the Britney Spears Autobiography*.

* Yeah, like Britney can manipulate a writing instrument to record simple thoughts and ideas. Shed have to dictate**.

** Can you imagine the poor bastard who would have to take dictation from Britney Spears? I shudder upon thinking what his/her life would be like. 

———

I don’t think my window is sealed around the edges, my hands are frozen into typing claws. I need some writing gloves.

———

Alright, you know it, you love it (or despise it with surprising emotional intensity), its the random movie picture and quote of the update:

 

“I just lost fifty million quid!….in one day.”

—-

Man, they used Ewan MacGregors worst close up shot from the movie on the cover. Ouch.

All I can say is…

Jesus, what girl bites thumbs like this? I mean, it’s like I reached into a croc pen.

After catching Final Destination on USA, I return to my room and a quick IM  session.

(PJ enters room)

PJ: (Pointing to my corkscrew) “You left this open on the counter! I could have killed myself!”  

Me: “Oh, PJAYYYYYYYYYYYYY”

—-

I am confident about my classes. Feels Good.

If I needed a Passport, where would I go?

– I assume 1 Court Square

Will it really snow on Wednesday?

– How magical

How late can your electric bill be before they cut service?

– I hope its more than a week and 3 days

——

Song Du Jour

 —  Otis Redding – White Christmas —

Those dutchbags down at the Gen Ed Office (Retard Development Center) have screwed me again. In an alarming turn of events they have decided not to offer me credit for PHYS 221, only for PHYS 220 – which, conveniently, is not available unless you are willing to whore yourself out to whichever academic wizard controls class scheduling here. Probably the same guy that’s responsible for the disappearance of the beloved Tan M&M. But that is a story for another time.

—–

The only class I like so far is the one about Russia – what is my affinity for Collapsed Fascist and Socialist States? I think its the uniforms.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that my aquarium is leaking, but so slowly that I cannot pinpoint the leak without holding it up and shaking the tank like so many naughty infants. Screw it, I want one of those Hexagon tanks anyway, so I can pursue geometric perfection in the Sea, as well as on land.

—–

Enjoy this comical image of Billy Mack – my new favorite rock star (I don’t recall having one before, but If I did – it was not Justin Timberlake.)

 

Mikey, DJ interviewer: What’s the best shag you’ve ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears. No, only kidding, she was rubbish.

Back to School on SUNDAY

…

Damn, that month went by quick. Top Time Consumers:

– The Warehouse

– Traffic to the Warehouse

– KOTOR (If you know what that stands for, god help you – since you probably haven’t been able to get up from a a chair long enough to reach a device capable of satisfying any of your bodily needs, fridges, toilets, and sinks included

– Vacations (And by “Vacations”  I mean “Vomit Excursions”)

——-

Only 5 days till I’m entirely legal. What am I going to do you ask? That, I cannot say  – since I rarely plan more than a day ahead. However, it does not involve a lightsaber, or does it?

——–

If anyone I know reads this – send cash. 

So on the way up to New York (A funtastic 7 Hour Ride) my Brother threw up all over the car, me, the magazine I was reading, and himself. Luckily, I never take off my blue jacket, so I could just wipe it off of the smooth weathwerproof surface.

That should teach everyone not to drive anywhere new years morning.

—

I had a dream about something that happened two years ago. –

The one girl I actually had a desire to date told me she had a boyfriend on the day I was going to ask her out.

It was quite a shock – I remember just going out to my car and sitting there for like half an hour. Just staring out the windshield. You win some, you lose some.

—–

Evans and Grubbsy invited me out to a party. I went, but the best part was grubb falling down two flights of stairs, followed by Evans slurching Andre. I mostly shivered and talked about how much i disliked card games, but would enjoy going to 7-11.