Cork on the Fork

First Things First

Link is Dead

I urge anyone who reads this to participate in my Brothers Bear v. Shark Contest. I’m a shark man – how bout you?

Mad Shark – The Game

I think you’ll also enjoy the accompanying flash game which involves killing divers as a ravenous Great White Shark.

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Secondly, Halloween Movies are Excellent. Also, I am a Tool for Watching them on AMC (American Movie Classics) but I’ll be damned  If I can find something else to watch when I’m not watching specials about the German Military on the History Channel.

Jack: Now, I’m really sorry to be upsetting you, but I have to warn you.
David: Warn me?
Jack: We were attacked by a werewolf.
David: I’m not listening to this!
Jack: On the moors, we were attacked by a lycanthrope, a werewolf. I was murdered, an unnatural death, and now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf’s curse is lifted.
David: Shut up!
Jack: The wolf’s bloodline must be severed; the last remaining werewolf must be destroyed. It’s you David.

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The Reason I Bring Up an American Werewolf in London is Two-Fold:

1) The Movie is good

2) It’s near Halloween

2) I realized many new and interesting things about this film upon watching it for the first time since my childhood

– Nurse “Whatever Her Name is” is not as hot as I remembered. Hell, she looks like an alien.

– There is Porn featured within the film

– The werewolf is just a fury cow with a Tail and Larger than Normal Teeth

– England is the worst country in Europe

– If I had to Die in England, I would want it to be death by Werewolf – or Better Yet, death by Silver Bullet as a Werewolf

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Moving On

– Does anyone want to Pose as a Child and Trick or Treat? Sadly, I’m addicted to Candy Corn.

– No one walks faster than me when they shop or sight see. I am the fastest walker in the world in those two scenarios. I inherited this from my father.

– Regardless of What Anyone Else May Believe – John Leguizamo is Not Funny.

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The Following is Taken From a SomethingAwful Reeview of Halo for XBOX:

Ooooooh, cars! 
Halo is hands down the best console first person shooter. In a wholly unrelated story Pete Douglas is hands down the best pants shitting retard in Cornly County.

Everything about the game says “dumbed down for console”. As long as you are facing an enemy your gun hits them. You can only carry two weapons because finding a cycle button would be impossible on the monolithic Xbox controller. The joystick sensitivity is akin to the penis of a corpse that just had Novocain injected into it, possibly to prevent the slightest movement from flinging the view away from the enemies. Speaking of enemies there are about three different enemies in this game. The verisimilitude of miscreants you will face makes the anemic clutch of spacespawn in Unreal 2 look like the New Brooklyn Space Zoo.

Oh, but you can drive a futurejeep around! Whhheeeeee! All of the vehicles may handle like you’re a drunk driver, but fuck, cars in a shooty game I think I done found Nirvana!

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In Conclusion,

Does Anyone Have HBO?

If Yes, Did yous see the show where they interviewed the Children of Rich, Rich, Rich Families?

Man, I hate those kids. Not that they are snooty, arrogant, or spoiled, but WHERE DID THAT GERMAN KID LEARN TO HOLD HIS CIGARETTE WITH HIS WRIST AT A RIGHT ANGLE AND THE PALM FACING UP?

Mother of God.
 

Yesterday, I was at the bookstore with my good friend PJ browsing through some books and I happened across the book:

Happy Days with the Naked Chef by Jamie Oliver

Book

Yes it is a cook book. However, the marvelous thing about this book is one single recipe – located near the back. That recipe is for a….

VODKA WATERMELON

Frankly, I found it hilarious. I can’t tell you why, but I did. The idea that the Vodka Watermelon has now been elevated to a culinary art just excited me beyond rational thought.

Steps:

1) Be Born

2) Grow Up

3) Decide you want to be a professional chef

4) Go to the Finest Culinary schools in the world for roughly 4 years

5) Gain popularity as a masterful chef in Great Britain

6) Write A Cookbook

7) Place Recipe for Watermelon Vodka into book between “Grilled Leg of Lamb” and “Pork Cutlets with Port Wine and Prune Sauce”

8) Shoot self for betraying your art

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Regardless, Vodka is pretty good.

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Fall is my favorite time of the year because  I can buy candy corn and those mellowcremes that are shaped like pumpkins.

Also, the season is approaching for me to wear the Rape “Sexual Assault” Mask.

The most perplexing thing in my life right now,

Beyond the Mysteries of Life and Death,

Beyond The Intricacies of Space and Time,

Beyond the success of Bottled Water,

it is……

The Two (2) Toasters in my kitchen.

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I can understand the practical reason for having a second toaster – in order to make toast twice as fast. However, where would this need for “double toast speed” come from? Not to mention, the mysterious seond toaster?

My primitive human brain cannot comprehend an answer for either of those questions, but I have compiled a “possible” list for the Toasters Existence:

(1) The Toaster was used in a sort of “Toast Making Party” not unlike a Cocktail Party, but this one featured Toast

(2) A time limit was placed on a Triple Decker BLT – such that it must be constructed in less than the toasting time for a typical slice of bread (+ 30 Seconds for Assembly, obviously, since a BLT cannot be preapared entirely inside the aforementioned toaster – trust me, I’ve tried it, and it gets messy) which would necessitate the second toaster.

(3) The toaster was placed there by God, as a challenge, to prove my worth.  

Well, I tried somersaulting by it with Dad’s Grail Diary – but I was rewarded with neither Everlasting Life nor a Duel With the Last Remaining Grail Knight. Alas.

Instead, my reward was a bruise much like the one incurred perviously whilst I was couch Jumping (Videos Off Topic)

My Awesome Couch Jump (Video) 

PJ’s Pitiful and Uninspired Attempt to Imitate me (Video)

I sit Puzzled (and with three Broken Ribs)

Perhaps, tis not for man to know the origins of Toaster Number 2.

(Also, someone tell me how to fix redeye in Photoshop)

In Other News:

– Buckeyes Win = Suck It Ferentz

– I have slept in a Truck Cab

– Anyone Want to Buy a 17 Inch Flat Screen CRT?

– Windows? Itunes? Wha?

– Business Benchmark #2 = Done

– Tomasayu Hotei

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Movie Time:

Haha, a Picture with Indiana Jones and Adolf Hitler. Two Birds with One Stone Indeed.

I feel like Bob Cratchit writing this…as it is roughly 49 Degrees in this room. However, I don’t feel too bad about the cold – because it tells me “Hey, youre saving precious, precious, Money by not paying for Heat!” and then i feel all warm and cozy inside. 

 I call it “The Inverse Money/Heat Model of…….Cost.”

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I’m pondering whether it is worth my time to study for an exam that I will be taking tomorrow afternoon….

pondering….

pondering….

Done. Yeah, that wasn’t that hard, I think I’ll study for it right before I take it – like I always do. Of course it will result in my now famous: constantly unchanging, radically indifferent, powerfully stable, incredibly unchangeable GPA/Test Score of a High B.

I was going to place a comical graph of my Study Time v. Grade distribution here, but I started making one in Excel and realized it would take to much effort to just make a straight horizontal line. Meh.

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The lady at Exxon/Dunkin Donuts knows me now, because I buy Coffee there about every 4 hours. Frankly, its frightening – but she hooked me up with one of those Coffee Cards (every 6th One is free) so It’s probably worth it.

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Song of the Day:

Christina Aguilera – Can’t Hold Me Down

……………….

Oh, Totally Freaked you out Right! Christina Aguilera Sucks. I can’t believe you thought that was real. You all deserve todie like the dogs you are. God damn, every time I turn on the radio thiugh, that song is playing….its ridiculous.

Real Song of the Day:

Weird Al – My Name Is (Darth Vader)

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BTW – Their is a coupon in the mail that gives you 6 free donuts – I suggest using it…..cause donus are delicious. As delicious as the sweet, sweet mashed bones of a hundred jews. Dammit, I mean sugar. 

DAMMIT! I should have written this before these guys!

http://www.velocity.net/~acekc/nazis_and_retards.htm

Behold the Eerie Similarities between Nazis and Retarded People…..

DAMMIT

Incidentally, My New Favorite Band

Check out the Random Photo Album that I’ve Put Up.

Ellis, I posted the ones you wanted…..

BTW, Flicking Off the Camera Looks a Little Retarded once you Sober Up..Remember that all you Lousy Drunks..

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The Photo Albums are on the left under “Photo Albums” – tricky huh? 

Another Exciting week has passed here in Wonderful Harrisonburg, Virginia.
It’s not so god-damn cold right now and the foliage around here is pleasantly
changing to its wonderful golden browns and deep reds.

““

As you may have notcied, Previously I had posted a picture of myself (i
think) rappeling off a building – that picture cannot convey the true emotion of
that situation….Crotch Pain.

Don’t get me wrong, it was exciting and truly worth it, but the I spent more
time learning to tie knots that day than most of you have in your whole lives –
unless you were a boyscout, which means you are a flaming child rapist.

The guy who checked us out before we went up (to make sure we wouldn’t
comically fall off the building like really stupid Babies falling from a various
things) made sure that every inch of rope we used to rig a harness was securely
tied around the most sensitive and painful areas of the lower abdomen, buttocks,
and croth region (also known as our “junk”).

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As a result, I have lines of bruising going around my lower body in
a somewhat cool fashioN that makes up for the fact that I can’t: Lay on my
Side, Bend at the Waist, Wear pants etc..

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Enough about that.

To mark the Election of Arnold Schwarzenegger in California I
invite you to stare at that picture of Warren Beatty in “Bulworth.” What does it
have to do with Arnold? Nothing really – I just think White People are funny,
plus they are both hilarious politicians now.

And also that Picture – Because its god damn hilarious, and really
the only way Arnold knows how to handle a press conference.

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To Do:

– See “Lost in Translation”

– Hang Out utside the Fish Store, and Smoke a Cigar

– Use Parents for Groceries

– Get to The Post Office to Satisfy My Loyal Customer

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Also, I have discovered that I randomly generate Ideas around
12:00 AM everyday. Just lastnight – I had the idea to take in a woodchuck as a
pet. Notice I did  not say “good” ideas, as that Idea was decidedly bad. On
the good side However, I have taken to keeping a tape recorder at my bedside for
these ideas – I find it therapeutic.

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Random Movie Quote:

Deckard: Gaff had been there… and
let her live. Four years, he figured… but he was wrong. Tyrell had told me
Rachael was special. Not only had he given her memories… but he’d set no
termination date. I didn’t know how long we’d have together… but who
does?

Hurrar!

One might say that Once you’ve been offered cocaine and accepted it, that youre life is effectively over. Well, at least life as you once knew it.

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Regardless, getting bonked off the stuff and murdering your Girlfriends best friend in the woods with a  big rock would also pretty much end your life.

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For the love of God – Getting a good nights sleep is damn near impossible for me anymore. I slept in four different places lastnight in the apartment, and drank about a Gallon of Diet Dr. Pepper in a desperate attempt to satisfy some nighttime craving.

The Browns lost…..to the Bengals…..which would have made me almost sucidal had it not been for my innate sense of logic overriding the idea of suicide caused by football. Once again, I fell asleep in a coat, under three blankets, a backpack, and pants which caused to me to awake 5 minutes before a meeting sweating like a Fireworks Factory Worker with a Penchant for Tobacco. I must mention however, that daytime naps are a highlight of my life right now..I mean, who doesnt like waking up somewhat refreshed (confused) at 7 PM like youre in some kind of Vietnam POW camp in 1966 where you can’t tell the difference between night/day anymore?

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Rule of Thumb for the Day )and I cant stress this enough)

— Under no circumstances should you kill a girl in the woods with a blunt object. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times, and not one of those times has something good come out of it. So in General….NO. —

I just felt I should share those.

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Regardless, I had been studying, yes, I “studied,” for once In my life. Mostly due to the fact that My economics Major is hard as Hell – which for me, means a lot because I say everything is a cake walk. This is not a cake walk. I would call this a……Feces Walk.

Anyway, thats why I havent updated this week.

And sorry for that shitty, shitty table. I swear I’ll do better later. I’m using a new HTML editor.

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What Have I been Up To:

– Class

– Then some Class

– A Little Crawling through the Mud

– A little Spending Spree

– Burning Olive Oil – Causing Awesomely Thick Black Smoke to envelop me like a velvet robe

– Riding in the Rain to deactivate a Viper Security System

All in All, a pretty decent week.

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I really wanted to realte some comical tale, or situation, but Im drawing a blank right now……hmmm…

Since I can’t think of Jack – I’ll let mr Nicholson do the talking..

Vicki Vale: “What do you want?”

Joker: “My face on the One-Dollar Bill.”

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Lastnight We sat around and made fun of the kids on Jeopardy – Yes, they were quite nerdy, and easily beaten with our superior intellects (but then again, we are 10 years older).

The highlight was when the losers almost cried after the show was over. I also thought it was ironic that the Final Jeopardy category was “Sports Figures” or something.

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In any case – I’m looking forward to receiving my “What about all the good things Hitler Did” T-Shirt in the mail, so I’m rather upbeat right now. In fact, i think I’lll go tot he mailbox right now.