Cork on the Fork

William 'Red' Garland was born in Dallas, Texas in 1923. Though he came from a non-musical family, Garland showed an early interest in music. He began his musical studies on the clarinet and alto saxophone but in 1940 switched to the piano. Garland spent copious amounts of time practicing and rapidly developed into a proficient player. A short early career as a welterweight boxer did not seem to hurt his playing hands. He fought a young Sugar Ray Robinson before making the switch to a full-time musician.

The most well-behaved event I've ever been to. Also, the signage was amazing.

I'm a gigantic Frontline Nerd.  The PBS Show  mixed their Drama-Documentary style with a Man v. Nature theme for their 2008 Everest piece that nobody seems to have heard of: Storm Over Everest

For those that don't follow mountain climbing stories in the AP, the program recounts the most famous ascent after Edmund Hillary did it first back in 1953.  The difference here was that the '96 treks became famous for becoming the world's worst climbing disaster after a freak storm hit the mountain as numerous groups descended.  Climatologists frequently cite the low-oxygen environment as the most serious obstacle facing human beings on the mountain – the normal figure is 1/3 the regular, sea level amount of oxygen saturation at 25,000 feet. This specific storm apparently siphoned another 14% of the oxygen from the already thin atmosphere due to the extreme low pressure of the weather system.  Category 5 hurricane winds, temperatures routinely dipping below -50 F, and zero visibility conditions sound like weather statistics until you're huddled into a mass on the Hillary Step trying to figure out how not to die.  There's no "I cut the rope" moment in this as there was in the more heralded Touching the Void – it just steadily  becomes a nightmare for those clinging to the side of a big, cold rock.

The most famous casualty of the expedition was Rob Hall, who radioed his wife from the mountain to tell her he was going to be fine after remaining behind to rescue another climber.  His colleagues believe he knew he wasn't going to make it down, but wanted to speak to her one last time.

Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I have the deepest respect and the greatest admiration for semi-professional actress and professional model Kelly Brook. Her work has delighted me for years and has led me to fully appreciate both the marketing strategies of the Reebok Corporation…

as well as the cinematic prowess and visionary directorship of the juggernaut Piranha film series……

Anyway, this should illustrate why the news of a 9/2010 Playboy feature of Kelly made my eyes water with the kind of joy Michelangelo must have experienced  as he gazed upon his semi-nude biblical characters etched on a famous  Italian ceiling.  I needed to obtain this gentleman's literature, and I needed to obtain it on August the 13th in the year of our lord 2010.

I don't have a subscription, and haven't since I lived off-campus at JMU 5 years ago.  Even then, it was a crapshoot whether or not you'd actually see the thing given that 20-25 young men had access to that apartment and that you'd be testing your resistance to herpes merely touching the cover of the magazine and eating a sandwich on the same day.  I would so have to, unfortunately, physically tender cash in exchange for goods at a retail establishment.

Since about 7 days after the DoD created the internet, retail naked-lady (and man) publications have been on the decline.  Those without internet access have been relegated to the concentration camps of their local Borders (?), 7-11, and privately owned newsstands for their adult nature literature.  I don't know this because I'm a frequent-flier or anything, but I can't help but notice that somebody is buying those plastic-wrapped articles behind the counter and that Mr. Hefner is still a very wealthy man.  Hugh donated $900,000 to save the Hollywood sign from imminent condo development, so for chrissakes sympathize with the  cause.  Library of Congress, here he comes.

Buying magazines with women on the cover is tricky whether they're artistic, fashion-oriented (if your a dude, you're gay!), or adult-oriented.  Pray for a 40 year old hells angel at the register and no one behind you in line.  Shoot yourself in the face if you're at Toy's 'r Us or Panera, because you fucked up and did it wrong.  This is my short story. (continued shortly)

I saw 500 Days of Summer the other day and my # 1 Takeaway from the whole film was a renewed appreciation for Hall and Oates. I am a child of the 80’s and can’t escape my destiny.

When I was little, roughly 8 or 9, I USED TO WAKE-UP EARLY in order to listen to Billy Joel vinyl and Bruce Springsteen cassettes on my Dad’s Hitachi system. I was waking up so early that I actually had to turn the thermostat up 7-8 degrees because it was set at its default 60F until 6:15 or so – the time when everyone else got up. It’s embarassing to admit that ‘For the Longest Time’, ‘Uptown Girl’, and ‘Born in the USA’ had that Heroin-like grip upon me. I vaguely recall my first crush on a girl in 2nd grade and associating ‘She’s Got a Way’ with most of my memories of her. I can also remember being grossed-out in 4th grade when another girl tried to kiss me in, I swear to God, the coat cubby of Parklawn Elementary. I associate that event with the Bionic Six theme for unknown reasons.

I cannot stop watching this damn documentary.

So Simple.

I decided to give up meat roughly a year ago, so McDonalds actually became a coffee place for me around the same time. I’m convinced their Mochas (Coffee with Sugar and more Sugar) are actually better than Starbucks. Another newsflash: Three bucks is cheaper than four. Today I will branch out and describe the McCafe Caramel Frappe, which I partook of roughly three hours ago.

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Its served in the same clear, highly unrecyclable, domed packaging as their other iced drinks. It looks like a coffee slurpee. Because it has a 1/4 can of Reddi-Whip on top, America will love it. However, The major failure of this coffee-themed drink is the standard McDonalds straw. Its high-flow passage allows an overpoweringly strong blast of this beverage into your mouth aperture. Like a firehose of Gutter-Water.

The main ingredient here is Ice (water, for you retards sounding this out) so you’d think this might be rather subtle in flavor compared to something like mayonnaise or ground trout. You would be wrong. Keep in mind, I have consumed an entire bag of Charms Blo-Pops in a six hour period and felt fine afterwards. I actually do this routinely. The first mouthful (heehee, gay) actually caused me to stumble noticeably as I turned to leave the counter, and it then took me another 2-3 seconds to regain consciousness from an assumed minor blackout. I actually stopped, held the thing up to my eye, and scanned it to make sure I didn’t pick up a canister of acetone.

I estimate my intake at this point to 5-7 tablespoons.

I was overcome with a sugar-induced euphoria upon stepping into my car, and briefly considered joining the Marine Corps and Tea-Party. Three minutes later I had consumed roughly a third of the beverage, and realized I had gotten more than what I signed up for. The eerie chemical formulation of the Caramel flavor stuck in my mouth like the odor of a discovered corpse might linger in the nose of a Police Detective working his last case before retirement. Depending on where you have been on the internet, this may be a pro or con.

When I pulled into my parking spot, I had difficulty recalling where I had just been or how I had gotten to my building at all. The color green seemed warmer and yellower than normal when the elevator light illuminated. I swigged another 4-5 tablespoons and opened the door to my apartment, placing the beverage on the counter as I passed. I decided I wouldn’t finish it because I had work tomorrow. Have to be sharp.

I took this picture as I was coming down from the high – and it illustrates how far I had gotten before I turned back for civilization.

I have never injected Heroin (Why did I specify?) or brutally shot a man in the face at point blank range, but I imagine that feeling would be similar to a McDonalds McCafe Frappe. The initial rush is like receiving a lifesaving blood transfusion from Eva Green after a failed motorcycle jump of the Grand Canyon with Sweet Child o’ Mine by GNR playing. Also, she loves you and always did. The inevitable come-down is like having Eva tell you she was HIV positive and has male genitalia.

I recommend you try it, but not if you have little kids around or need to operate machinery.

Dressed in an immaculate uniform, Lee waited for Grant to arrive.

Grant, whose headache had ended when he received Lee’s note, arrived in a mud-spattered uniform—a government-issue flannel shirt with trousers tucked into muddy boots, no sidearms, and with only his tarnished shoulder straps showing his rank.

It was the first time the two men had seen each other face-to-face in almost two decades.

……………………….

U.S. Grant offered generous terms to the Army of Northern Virginia.

Officers were allowed to keep their sidearms. Those who owned their horses, were allowed to keep them. No soldier would be held or prosecuted for treason.

Grant asked his counterpart what number he had remaining in his army and R.E. Lee replied that he couldn’t provide one, but that they were hungry. Grant dispatched 25,000 rations from a train heading West.

In April 1864, Chamberlain returned to the Army of the Potomac and was promoted to brigade commander shortly before the Siege of Petersburg. There, in a major action on June 18, at Rives’ Salient, Chamberlain was shot through the right hip and groin. Despite the injury, Chamberlain withdrew his sword and stuck it into the ground in order to keep himself upright to dissuade the growing resolve for retreat. He stood upright for several minutes until he collapsed and lay unconscious from loss of blood.

The wound was considered mortal by the division’s surgeon, who predicted he would perish; Chamberlain’s incorrectly recorded death in battle was reported in the Maine newspapers, and Lt. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant gave Chamberlain a battlefield promotion to brigadier general after receiving an urgent recommendation on June 19 from corps commander Maj. Gen. Gouverneur K. Warren: “He has been recommended for promotion for gallant and efficient conduct on previous occasion and yesterday led his brigade against the enemy under most destructive fire. He expresses the wish that he may receive the recognition of his services by promotion before he dies for the gratification of his family and friends.”[3] Not expected to live, Chamberlain displayed surprising will and courage, and with the support of his brother Tom, was back in command by November. Although many, including his wife Fanny, urged Chamberlain to resign, he was determined to serve through the end of the war.

In early 1865, Chamberlain was given command of the 1st Brigade of the 1st Division of V Corps, and he continued to act with courage and resolve. On March 29, 1865, his brigade participated in a major skirmish on the Quaker Road during Grant’s final advance that would finish the war. Despite losses, another wound (in the left arm and chest), and nearly being captured, Chamberlain was successful and brevetted to the rank of major general by President Abraham Lincoln.

In all, Chamberlain served in 20 battles and numerous skirmishes, was cited for bravery four times, had six horses shot from under him, and was wounded six times.

— Wikipedia

Ken Burns is a god. I saw his Civil War Documentary when it first aired on PBS in 1990 as a seven year old, and it hasn’t lost a lick of its appeal to me 2 decades later.

Also, Shelby Foote is my new favorite writerhistorian.

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The moustache is coming along most adequately.