Cork on the Fork
Cork on the Fork Retarded
Archive for the ‘Random’ Category
Church International is now located deep in the Heart of Reston, VA. Come by and visit sometime between 1300 hrs and 0130 hrs.
Enjoy this festive Reston Image….
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The Professor: I work alone like you. We always work alone.
Today, Harrison Ford is 65. Join me in prayer….
Professor Henry Jones: Junior, I have tell you something.
Indiana Jones: Don’t get sentimental now dad, save it until we get out of here.
Professor Henry Jones: The floor’s on fire… see… AND the chair.
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I have a ridiculous sunburn from the driving range with my bald head and all…. and I feel the pain of pale, pasty eastern europeans all over the balkans. The only highlight of the range was the master of comedy who drove by at about 76mph and managed to make the exclamation “You Guys Suck!” from the black land rover Saturday afternoon while adjusting his wifebeater.
I’m actually jealous of your comedic timing as both myself and my buddy whiffed at the exact same moment.
I don’t know what i did to my spine, but its not happy about it.
Actually, i think its just the ol’ C12 or something. I’m good.
I’ve been fascinated with the bizarre premises some public television programs actually make it on the air with, including their affinity to choose hosts with mystifying twists on real-world accents. Where is Jacques Pepin from that he utilizes his own drool the way most of use our teeth and tongues to end and begin whatever speech is emanating from our jaws? Anyway, my absolute favorite is the Swedish Cooking program that, in each episode, forces the chef to setup their cooktop in an ever more bizarre location OUTDOORS to keep things fresh and new while still trying to make a standard 1-2-3 production walking viewers through a scandinavian recipe of the day.
Notable locations of late have included:
– A busy street in downtown Trondheim (Andre dodges bicyclists and trams!)
– A sheep pen in the norwegian highlands (Andre is engulfed by thousands of farm animals panicking due to dog attacks!),
– A spinning rooftop restaurant (Tina tries to keep viewers from blowing chunder because although she remains stationary midscreen, the background keeps spinning for the entirety of the program)
– A haunted swedish pirate ship (Did Pirates add dashes of freshly-picked mint to their bowls of decaying rat meat soup?)
Anyway, I like it.
Although the show started with one host (Andre Viestad), Tina picked it up in Season 3 and got me hooked. Tina Nordstrom is pretty much my dream lady friend because no matter what she wanted to talk to me about I could just sit there and politely nod while that gorgeous scanian (look it up) accent lowered my blood pressure to dangerous levels of relaxation. It also helps that she is textbook beautiful in most other ways, and even shares my hatred of gourds – but that accent just gets me every time.
I also want this shirt….
I got a card in the mail today (US Postal Service, not E) and the only writing inside was the following:
“I hope you will someday notice me.
– K.”
Whomever wrote the brief message knew my name and complete address, and appears to have girl-handwriting.
If you are an attractive/intelligent female, please include your first name on any further correspondence. My social life isn’t exactly rife with female admirers, so I have devoted the last 4 hours of my life to piecing together all my human to human contacts over the last 8-12 weeks and racking my brain over why I am so horribly inattentive.
Word.
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If this is a horrible misunderstanding or practical joke and you are responsible, I will stab you in the parking lot.
That is all.
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Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we’re extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What’s that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back’s gonna hurt, ’cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else’s fingers hurt?… I didn’t think so.
Rather than spending time articulating the scope and depth of my current injuries, I have taken the liberty of designing a quick visual aid.
Every circled item is either an area I am currently contused (mostly minor, a few severe), experiencing significant muscle soreness, or am currently bleeding from. I remember thinking to myself, “Oooh, that joint didn’t use to bend this direction” a couple times today. Now, Old Man Musculo-Skeletal System is bending me over a park bench and having his way with me while a crowd of onlookers cheer enthusiastically and enjoy their funnel cakes. I like funnel cakes.
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Well god dammit Indy where doesn’t it hurt?
Spence: You worried about saving your own skin?
Sam: Yeah, I am. It covers my body.
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Today we did P/T for 3 hours – It was the most physically exhausted I have ever been. I am going to bed at 7PM.
Afterwards…..
You will BEG to be allowed to start puking in a trashcan. I did. And it was better than sex.
Random
