It’s all tied up until the 4th Quarter, Texas and Ohio State have been locked
in fierce competition since the beginning of the First Quarter – 9 HOURS AGO.
Both teams quarterback’s have been pummeled like the walls of Jerusalem (circa
900 AD). Running backs for OSU and Texas have been decimated, with each team
looking to their 2nd backup for any relief. Wide Receivers are no longer able to
grasp the football due to the most severe aggravated-joint-inflammation ever
recorded by sports medicine. OSU and Texas fans have destroyed their vocal
cords, but still emit squeal after high-pitched squeal through their bloody,
shredded voiceboxes. No one can foresee anything but a depressing, suicide-
inducing loss for Ohio State. Somehow, Texas has recorded a Safety due to the
crappy officiating. Yet, Jim Tressel has a plan.
Ted Ginn, Jr, whose origins are unknown at this point – only that he was found
in a Botswana Jungle after 13 years of Diamond Wars by a band of Chinese
Mercenaries searching for the lost sarcophagus of Chairman Mao and brought to an
ancient prophet versed in the forgotten arts of Ming Dynasty medicine – is
called in as quarterback.
Ginn drops back, muttering ancient Mongolian chants that only he can understand.
Suddenly, each member of the offensive line bursts forward at the exact same
moment, even the wide receivers and tight ends contribute with devastating blows
to their opponents across the line of scrimmage. Ted Ginn stands completely
still for over 27 seconds.
In a moment of complete clarity, Jim Tressel, Ted Ginn, Jesus Christ, and Spock
from Star Trek II, achieve a perfect mental connection. Ginn knows what he must
do. He is on the 20 yard line.
Arching his arm back, surveying the path before him (much like a parting of the
red sea), and understanding his purpose in life, he steps forward.
With Saintly poise, he launches the football in a perfect 45 Degree arc, on
target to the endzone that represents all that is good and holy in the known
universe.
In stunning fashion, he takes off with Mercurian speed that only Einstein,
Jesse Owens, 3 Apollo Astronauts, ands Helio Castroneves can comprehend. Tesax
Linemen fall like chunks off the Berlin Wall, and the last Texas safety tears
every muscle out of his outstretched arm in a vain attempt to clutch Ginn’s
seemingly flaming footwear.
In an entirely unexpected scenario, every receiver on the OSU team has been
unable to break through the line to reach the destination of the still-spiraling
football. Yet, Ginn was prepared. Still running, nay Sprinting, Ginn reached out
in front of him without even sighting the ball behind him – faithful that the
sweet Christ will deliver him his victory (the football). As if the football
were a newborn babe, Ginn accpeted the ball in his hands without the
slightest effort. Ginn was the passer AND the receiver. The Alpha and the
Omega. The one True God for that split second.
Confident – but not over-confident – in his reception, Ginn manages to leap to
the endzone (over 23 yards away) with one swift muscle movement in his
hamstrings and calves. Upon arriving, he kneels, assumes a prostrate position,
and thanks the Penates (Household Gods, in Latin Historical Perspective) for
this gift bestowed upon him
And the officiating team, having never witnessed such fantastic play on the
field of football before, agree to award OSU 7 points. This is not the result of
a touchdown and the extra point, rather, 7 points is awarded because of the
divine nature of the number 7.
Final Score: OSU 7, Texas 2.
