Cork on the Fork

Like so may times in the past, tonight began with an innocent imbibing of my
favorite drink – the Orange Cream Senator’s Spending Initiative Mixer (Coined by
myself). Less than 3 hours and 12 minutes later, Matt had a mohawk and I
was talking about going to Georgia in pursuit of various sugar-based delicacies.
Twas the best of times, twas the best of haircuts.

The last 48 hours has seen a rebirth in the roommate/Paul relationship – as I
have spent more than 8.9 minutes actively engaging the frisbee team in
conversation – good conversation at that. I had almost forgotten how
comfortable the broken, soiled, blue recliner actually was.

Top 5 Items of the Week:

– Harrison Ford rarely uses profanity

– Hashbrowns actually contain sour cream, when prepared correctly

– The “Hellfish Bonanza” or “Crazy Negro Barn Fire” will be held this
Saturday – sorry, no directions as Basic has deemed it an “invitation only”
affair.

– I actually did James Madison University a service this Tuesday, by
explaining the fact that Economics Major’s are, in general, male and creepy –
yet highly analytical and intelligent

–
http://cookie.allrecipes.com/az/SaltineToffeeCookies.asp – I swear by
this recipe. It embodies all that is good in this world. Caramel, Chocolate, and
Crackers. Also – Democracy, as well as canned whipped cream and Cadbury Easter
Chocolate.

Marksman #2: What are you?
Dorian Gray: I’m complicated.

As far as I know, tattoos are in style. As well as Latin.

The single most important discovery of the last two weeks is this: Cold
Weather necessitates TWO pairs of socks. Never before in my life have I been so
pleasantly surprised by such a simple notion.

You wouldn’t think 2mm of Wool could amount to a hill of beans against this
god damn-frickety-freezing weather, but you would be wrong. It’s not just beans,
its spaghettios. Or better yet, alphabet soup. I think I actually
maintained my core body temperature of 98.6 Degrees today. I feel like a new
man.

—————–

Im surprised how many people are unaware of the actual location of the
french riviera.

—————–

I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. Not one of those gay-ass butterflies, or
barbed wire armbands. Not even a gigantic american flag on my chest subtitled
“Bandwagon Patriot since 9-11.”

I’m thinking something more truthful, more meaningful, more exceptional. I’ve
already decided on Latin – but suggestions in that particular tongue are
appreciated.

———————

Deckard: She’s a replicant.
Eldon Tyrell: I’m impressed, Mr. Deckard. How many questions does it
normally take?
Deckard: I don’t get it…
Eldon Tyrell: How many?
Deckard: Twenty, thirty, cross-referenced.
Eldon Tyrell: But with Rachael it took more than a hundred.
Deckard: She doesn’t know.
Eldon Tyrell: She is beginning to suspect I think.
Deckard: Beginning to suspect? How can it not know what it is?

Eldon Tyrell: “More human than human” is our motto.

——————

I rarely continue beyond the movie quote, consider yourselves
blessed.

Read The Economist

Shun The Wall Street Journal

Read The Washington Post

Read the New York Times (With a Grain of Salt)

Shun Tucker (Fucker) Carlson

Listen to Elliot in the Morning

Live, Love and Eat.

-Wolfgang Puck (Only the Last Line)

You shouldn’t be able to achieve a centimeter deep papercut from a cardboard
box, It’s just compressed paper fiber, not a god damn x-acto knife. For only the
second time in my life I have actually bled onto a surface without
realizing it for at least 4 minutes and when I finally did? Hey, who needs
the actual tuition billing from JMU? I’ll just make a copy of the blood-stained
original and mail it in – those finance guys love documents coated in human
plasma.

—

I’m kidding, I’m kidding – Simply messing with you. Winter break was a
gigantic cheesecake coated with money – delicious, creamy, blueberry-flavored
money. It’s all going straight to South East Asia – no wait, they already have
6.7 Billion Dollars while the entire population of siberian Russia lives
in discarded segments of former oil pipeline.

So I’ve been looking at the problems, and you know what? They are pretty god
damn crazy hard. I mean, the guy who came up with these is either a certified
genius or an authentic wacko. I’m not even sure that we learned some of this in
the course of his lectures – but he seems to think we should be able to figure
it out and illustrate the answers graphically, mathematically, and analytically
in a 2 hour period. That’s why I like this guy. Cocky enough to fail half the
class in order to challenge the other half enough to spur them to actually work
for a C. Isn’t that what college should be like?

—–

I mean, I’m deriving profit maximizing scenarios, I’m analyzing industry
concentration with respect to principal-agent problems, and I’m still slightly
bored, watching the clock, and devising an exit strategy within the next
12-14 minutes. God do I love chewing gum and the fifteen minutes before I
can finally turn on the christmas lights.

…..

Random Thoughts:

– Who mails out limited edition Boba Fett busts as welcome gifts?

– Smart Shopper has 2-liters of Creme Soda for 33 cents. Moses, cream and
soda.

– Apparently there is some guy in CKY or one of those shows where they ride
in shopping carts that resembles me.

– Only one week till regular workdays! Yeah for waking up at
6:30…………….oh wait. No.

————–

Cool Tree

Christmas Lights are crazy awesome. Everyone loves Christmas
lights. If I was a Chinese Buddhist I would still love Xmas lights.

When I grow up, I’m gonna blow 100 bucks on
Xmas lights. It’s worth it.

Lately I’ve discovered a beautiful, yet simple, sleep aid to
cope with those long nights where there are hundreds of drunken frisbee players
throwing themselves against glass doors in your apartment while you’re trying to
simultaneously study for a massive Industrial Organization Exam and a Full-Scale
Judicial Inquiry into your Criminal History with a minimal hope of forcing at
least 5 hours of sleep onto my already shattered body and mind:

Nyquil: Rag*

*Known In Europe (Where laws concerning product
misidentification are actually enforced) as “Nyquil: Mild Coma �”

—

The beauty is in the simplicity of the product: Only Half a
Bottle will knock you out like a Chinese Tree Kangaroo that has just been hit
with 4 Tranquilizer Darts in the Heart.

Let me tell you, I slept like a baby.

—

I can’t believe the country we live in. It was founded by Puritans! Peaceful,
Pacifistic, Religous (mostly inwardly) who came here because they didn’t like
what views others were forcing upon them.

Does anyone find it Ironic that the rest of the world is somewhat perturbed
by our insistence on going into other countries and instilling our idea of
democracy and life onto other nations?

—-

Sweet Jesus, tis a sad day.

Anyway, this does open the door for lucrative opportunities in both the
pharmaceutical and weapons-systems businesses. At least Bush will create some
jobs.

I actually find myself arguing politics with people on my side, just because I am so bitter about this country. I realized today I wouldn’t see a democrat (or Greenie, or Reformer) in the
white house until I was 26. 26! Sweet God, George Bush will have ruined my 20’s – especially with that stint I will end up doin in Iraq.

..

I decided on Norway, with Finland, Sweden, and Denmark as Backups.

Note the tiny picture below:

It is the first (and only – up till now) picture of me smiling while taking a
picture. Orthodontia and Fouled self esteem circa 1998 have eliminated the open
mouth smile from my repertoire for some time. I don’t know why my Father’s
Genetic Traits were inherited on such a 1:1 basis, but I’ll be damned if Modern
Dentistry didn’t find an answer.

—–

A couple lessons from this week:

– When you ridicule someone for their incompetence in web content
administration, you have been online too much.

– When the lady at Wal-Mart fails to realize you are trollying 2 cases of
Beverage in your cart – and therefore fails to scan them – you should just go
with the flow.

– Everyone needs a toaster oven.

– Never underestimate the power that you hold over people more than 3 years
younger than yourself. (Up till age 34, when the advantage disappears. Only to
reappear at age 65.)

– Phil Collins is under-appreciated.

—–

Phil’s best Years occured during the 79-84 “I’m balding and have a stripe of
hair moving down the equator of my skull” Period. Period.

Leave A Comment »

Bush Olympics

Posted in Random on October 17th, 2004 by admin

Leave A Comment »

Eternal Pumpkin

Posted in Random on October 12th, 2004 by admin

Legend has it that on the 6th Day of the Year 2006, at 6:00 AM (Zurich Time,
don’t ask why – Apparently Switzerland is a Nexus of Evil) that the Shroud of
Total and Infinite Darkness will encompass all of the known universe and Human
Life will be remanded to slavery under a dark lord known only as “Zorbitron” –
who is ironically NOT a robot, even thought the name implies that he is.

Of course, most legends are bullshit.

———-

I haven’t stolen a candle that smells this good since Autumn of Tet, and that
was from those greasy gook hands after I impaled him with that pair of
chopsticks. Yeah, chopsticks my rear-end. I’ll take a good old spoon any day.
Anyway, the candle is sold at that Conglomerate Superchain we all know and love
– it’s called “Pumpkin Spice” or some such nonsense designed to stir some
whimsical notion of Halloween Trickery we once had as children. Dammit, it
worked.

I’m personally guaranteeing that I will be carving the most masterful Darth
Vader pumpkin ever committed to something from the Gourde Classification on or
before October 25th. Come see it at my apartment.*

* If you don’t know where I live it’s because you’re a filthy internet
stalker, or possibly the even more filthy “inktomi slurp bot” or the Pedophilic
“Googlebot.” Get the hell out of my house.

….

—————-

Clementine : Let me show you something… come on…
Joel : I think I heard a crack.
Clementine : It’s not gonna crack, or break, or… it’s so thick!… Show me
which constellations you know.
Joel : Um… oh… I don’t… know any.
Clementine : Show me which ones you know!
Joel : Okay… okay… oh! There’s Osidius.
Clementine : Where?
Joel : Right there… see? Sort of a swoop and a cross, Osidius Emphatic.
Clementine : You’re full of shit, right?
Joel : Nope. Osidius, right there, swoop and cross.
Clementine : Shut the fuck up!

Leave A Comment »

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“There Must Be Some Misunderstanding” and “Salsbury Hill” were tainted by the fact that I had to share credit with Peter Gabriel. Yet, I smile.