Cork on the Fork

It turns out that all those trips to UREC have finally paid off…

Lastnight, at around 2AM and for reasons I cannot mention (for fear of
Tarnishing my Immaculate Reputation) I found myself faced with the daunting task
of climbing two stories on the outside of an apartment complex in a
semi-coherent state.

The physics and math of it all were favorable, but for one technicality:

Pros:

– Weight (Now making 124 Ibs of pure Stallone-esque fighting muscle)

– Arm Strength (UREC Bicep Curls)

– Inability to feel pain (NOT a result of Alcohol)

– Tennis Shoes

Con:

– One Useless Hand (*) Wrapped in Non-Gripping Towel Bandage

——–

* Useless due to 2nd (Possibly Third **) Degree burns*** on knuckles, palm,
and back of, hand.

** Wouldn’t that be hardcore!

*** Do not play with Lighter Fuel

——-

Upon realizing that the patio (not the front door, as I didn’t have my keys)
was the only entry option, I surmised that my chances of making it to level 3
from Ground were quite good (In the neighborhood of 80/20, if my math serves me
correctly). Logic dictated that that said climb would take only newbie****
levels of skill to accomplish.

1. I proceeded to grab hold of 2nd level railing from my stance on top of 1st
   level railings.
2. Using my upper musculature I pull myself to level 2’s base.
3. Sandal #1 is lost.
4. Putting the loss of sandal #1 behind me I climb on.
5. Sandal #2 is lost.
6. Now Shoeless (Much Like Jesus Christ at the Scourging) I proceed.
7. Railing on level 2 is uncooperative, multiple tenants seem to have
   deposited urine on slats.
8. Railing #2 is Breached, I laugh hysterically.
9. Towel falls off of aforementioned damaged hand.
10. I cry a little bit (on the inside)
11. I proceed.
12. Left leg is uncooperative, multiple attempts are made to swing the leg
    onto railing level 3.
13. Left leg disregarded
14. Right leg successfully occupies a tremendously uncomfortable position
    wedged between two level 3 slats
15. I reach level 3 Balcony
16. I realize I climbed the wrong side of my building.
17. Tenants of 893K seem perplexed.
18. I proceed through steps 1-> 15 again.
19. Sliding Door on porch level 3 (My apartment this time) is breached.
20. I fix myself a smoothie (I earned it)

**** No Yeti, Arctic Conditions, or Extended Distances

———————————

Quote of the Update:

Professor Henry Jones : Well, he who finds the Grail must face the final
challenge.
Indiana Jones : What final challenge?
Professor Henry Jones : Three devices of such lethal cunning.
Indiana Jones : Booby traps?
Professor Henry Jones : Oh yes. But I found the clues that will safely take us
through, in the Chronicles of St. Anselm.
Indiana Jones : But what are they? Can’t you remember?
Professor Henry Jones : I wrote them down in my Diary so that I wouldn’t have to
remember.

Think about this…are AAMCO and MAACO related?

It’s been bothering me all day.

“For chrissakes, Maddux, could your pants
be any tighter? I can tell what religion you are in those things.”

(Nothing will rattle a quarterback in the
huddle better than the thought that entire sections of the stadium are, now,
gazing at his genitalia in an effort to surmise his religious affiliation.)

I was beginning to lose faith in the student population at James Madison
University..

– Demographic shifts have made the university eerily similar to Sweet Briar
Academy

– I saw three people with Von Dutch Hats in one day

– More than 14% of Students own a Mercedes or BMW

– Popular Topics on the Bus Ride this AM ranged from “Why isn’t there an
Abercrombie closer to Campus”” all the way to “Wal-Mart has great deals on
Turkey Sticks.”

….just when I had lost all hope . . .

One man, neh, two men drove by in a 1994 Ford Escort. Dented paint gleaming
in the bright sunlight, tires worn all the way through the tread, and the
rearview mirror attached through clever use of duct tape and string. A familiar
tune was emanating from the Tape Deck…

— Elton John – Rocket Man —-

—

My heart leapt with the familiar astronomical beats, and my faith was
restored in humanity.

—-

Funny Things that Happen at Work:

I, working ever so diligently at my Summer School Job, come across a request
to Transfer a student – let’s call him John Smith – from one course to another.

Currently Enrolled In: ESM 2345 – Elementary Science – Grade 5 – Little Run
Elementary

Wish to Enroll In: ESM 2345 – Elementary Science – Grade 5 – Little Run
Elementary

My Decision: Request Denied.

Approving Signatures: Elementary Principal, Lead Counselor.

> > > >  

Implausible Items to Find in Your Grocer’s
Freezer

Pets

Your Patrol Badge from 1995

Small Portions of Reeses Pieces� Candy

Most National Brands of Cheese

Footwear

NFL Team Merchandise*

Early Works by Monty Python

Later Works by Monty Python

The 160 Piece Craftsman� Mechanics Tool Set

Moist Towlettes

Individual Size Oreo Cookie Packages

—

* Exception is made for the line of Kordell Stewart 1998
Pittsburgh Steelers “Cold Steel” Popsicles

Unfortunate Pińata
Fillings (continued)

Prunes

Small Pieces of Butter

Shale

Keychains from the 1992 Presidential Campaigns

Hearing Aid Batteries

Voided Checks

Books of Matches (Used)

Caltrops

Spoons

Iron Filings

——————————–

Todays Highlight:

Lowered Pickup Fails to Clear Speedbump (Vertically)