Cork on the Fork

I have reocovered the following avatars from an old backup. If they belong to you, please use them.

I know who two of them belonged to, but the pink bunny thing is a mystery.

  

The Funniest Thing In My Day:

IceCubes

Scenario: I arrive home at approximately 5:00 pm, after serving as PJ’s
security blanket for technology.  Thirsty, I head to the fridge with the
objective of quenching my thirst.

Action Taken:

1) I remove a large plastic cup from the cabinet.

2) I attempt to remove ice from the freezer.

3) Ice sticks to fingers (due to moisture inherent in kitchen activities –
no, not related to any kind of lubricating product)

4) Not realizing Ice is stuck to fingers I attempt to drop the cubes
into the cup

5) Not realizing cubes are still stuck to fingers (I’m tired people) I swing
around wildy to open fridge for Diet Vanilla Coke

6) Ice cubes are propelled through mid air at about a 20mph velocity, with
enough force to hurl the aforementioned cup off the counter.

7) I realize I am retarded

8) I clean up the Mess

9) I go to bed

10) I buy 750 ml of Rumple Minze – Verdict: Alcoholism

Rumple Minze

I feel this particular alcohol (albeit extremely homosexual in Nature
(Peppermint Schnapps)) conveys a somewhat “Third Recih/German Gestapo” message
deep within. This goes well with my general interest in all things involving
really cool looking Germans. Yes, they were evil. But Goddamn, they had some
hansom uniforms.

Clint Eastwood was a spectacularly hansom American Spy posing as a Nazi.

Major John Smith: They say he
[Col. Wyatt Turner]
Major
John Smith: knew Hitler quite well.
Lieutenant Morris Pimpennel Schaffer:
Yeah, I THOUGHT he looked a little nuts.

I was going to post a picture here of me stabbing someone with a broken glass bottle, but the logistics of it became too complicated. Glass is sharp and hard to clean up, plus, most people are somewhat resistant to the idea of being stabbed in the gut.

Which reminds me – Steve, Ron is making us take the couch out of the breezeay. Of course, I told him we knew nothing about it which means we dont actually have to get off our asses and do anything. However, you might want to say goodbye to it like Ol’ Orange.

———

Lessons Leanred this Week:

– Never go shopping at ABC with Credit Cards

– Dont play with broken glass

– Dont use your fingers as a fire extinguisher

– Never mix Jello, Lucky Charms, and Jager (Christmas Water)

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I hate it when Old People Get Braces

However, the comedy it generates is appreciated

—————-

The Best Image Ever:

Narrator: “He was full of pep. Must’ve had his grande-latte enema.”

——

I blame Harv for my Baldness

I blame Jerry for my Poorness

I blame myself for everything else though, at least I’m fair.

Click the Link below for the MP3 version of the theme.

Man, Consider this part of the update from an hour ago –

When?

Nickelodeon’s late, lamented Adventures of Pete & Pete was the greatest children’s show ever. Documenting the surreally hilarious exploits of teenager Pete Wrigley and his younger brother, Pete, the series earned hipster cachet for its stunt casting (cameos included the likes of Michael Stipe, Iggy Pop, Janeane Garafalo, and Steve Buscemi) as well as its uncommonly cool musical sensibility � in one episode, Luscious Jackson played the school prom, with bassist Gabby Glaser even making eyes at older Pete. The series’ title theme and much of its incidental music was performed by Polaris, the side project of then-Miracle Legion frontman Mark Mulcahy; their crisp, richly melodic jangle pop perfectly complemented the show’s vibrant wit, but except for a premium cassingle available from Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats, no official Pete & Pete soundtrack was ever made available. Polaris’ debut isn’t quite official � Music From the Adventures of Pete & Pete consists of what sounds like re-recordings, although they’re almost mirror images of the originals. No matter, these dozen tracks are still superb, especially the nearly unintelligible theme “Hey Sandy,” the lovely “She Is Staggering,” and most notably “Summerbaby,” little Pete’s all-time favorite song per the classic “Hard Day’s Pete” episode. Even the Powerpuff Girls never had it so good.

Get the mp3 (Illegally) Here

The Most Underrated Actor Ever

Bradley Whitford

Mostly this is just an excuse to use the most awesome quote in the world. Plus, I couldn’t find a picture of Josh Mostel that was the least bit comical, or emotionally stirring.

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Mr. Madison, what you just said is one of the most insanely idiodic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.  I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

—————————————–

I gave my first Business Idea/Plan Evaluation/Made-Up Assignment today. It was fun because I wore my Browns Sweatshirt and unknowingly presented our idea to a HUGE STEELERS FAN!

The only remarable moment was this:

Mcmillan (Steelers Fan): “You need to get rid of this guy!”

Me: “Me?”

Mcmillan: “Yeah, youre trouble!”

Me: “Oh My Holy Jesus, you’re a Steelers fan arent you?!? I thought I remembered you from somewhere, youre the guy I argued with last year in the basement of Showker!”

Mcmillan: “Now Im grading your presentation.”

Me: (Under my breath)  “Son of a Bitch.”

Mcmillan: “What?”

Me: “This sweashirt itch…….es.”

—

Actually, it was all in good fun. I love how football can make people who have never met hate each other.

Typical Steelers Fan 

OMG!!!!!

The Internet and Phones and Electricity all at the SAME TIME.

I decided to post to take advantage of the current “all utilities working” status of the apartment. Keep in mind, this is very rare.

————

Comical Situations of the Last Few Days:

1) PJ and the Microwave

PJ: “Whats wrong with the Microwave, it keeps making my food all warm. Everytime I put something in there it gets hot.”

Me: “Are you complaining that the Microwave is heating the food you put in it!?”

PJ: “That came out wrong.”

2) The Taco Chicks

(Steve and I are Waiting for Food Outside a Taco Bell, and two Slightly Chunky ladies walk ast the car)

Steve and I: “…….”

(Girls pass out of earshot)

Steve and I: (In Unison) “That’s a lot a Taco!”

3)  Steve and the Cigarette

(Steve is quite….Intoxicated, while I remain Sober.)

Steve: “Gimme a Cigarette”

Me: “Alright” (I hand him one, previously lit)

Steve: “Thanks.” (Places Cigarette in mouth burning end first)

Me: “God damn you’re stupid. Who are you?”

—-

Thats enough for now.

 —

Ubiquitous Movie Quote:

Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards, that’s my policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakesphere In The Park Production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!

Protecting the Country?

or Countrying the Protection?

Look at the sweat.

I very well might have to shave my beard to appease the Military.
Damn, I never thought I would say that.

So it comes down to:

Evil
v Not Evil

     

Evil                                                                          
Not Evil

—————-

Which brings me here:

Gaze into these
otherworldy Pictures of regular people gone……evil?

 

Head to

www.goateestyle.com/goatee/evil.phtml
for more.

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And a Movie Quote:

Chris: Job for six men,
watching over a village, south of the border.
O’Reilly: How big’s the opposition?
Chris: Thirty guns.
O’Reilly: I admire your notion of fair odds, mister.

A Salute to Mario Batali, Patrick Norton, and Kevin
Rose

The Three Greatest Men Alive in Our
Times

�

�

Some might ask: “What kind of scary man would dedicate an entire
update to these three amigos?”

That same person would then respond with: “A sick, sick,
sonuvabitch” Which is probably true.

But I would then respond with: “Who else could teach me the art of
Italian Cooking while still maintaining a strange red beard?” or “Yes,
a man can be knowledgeable about computers and still wear a kilt.”

—

Mario Batali

Pros:

– Cooks Excellent Italian Food

– Can talk really fast

– Is pleasantly plump

Cons:

– Wears shorts on TV to show off his pale Italian legs. (Shudder).
The only thing greasier is a grease farmer*

* – Assuming Grease Farmers Exist

Kevin Rose

Pros:

– Knows Computers

– Makes low brow jokes about others on air

– Has no facial hair (Like a Baby! Awwwwwwwwww)*

* – Assuming babies Exist

Cons:

– Has to work with Jessica Corben (bet)

– May or May not be really, really, gay

Patrick Norton

Pros:

– Drinks Dr. Pepper by the Gross

– Abuses Computers (with a sledgehammer)

– Not afraid to wear a kilt

Cons:

– Not afraid to wear a kilt

– Hair loss

———

Alright, I urge you all to learn more about these forces of
Excellence in Modern Society.

——–

Gordon Gekko: The richest one percent of this
country owns half our country’s wealth, five trillion dollars. One
third of that comes from hard work, two thirds comes from inheritance,
interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons and what I
do, stock and real estate speculation. It’s bullshit. You got ninety
percent of the American public out there with little or no net worth.
I create nothing. I own.

Steve ruined our nice clean carpet…..

At least, that’s how it looked to me.

As Steve himself put it: “15 beers in an hour is my
limit.”

To that I say: “Yes Steve, Yes. It. Is.”

——————–

Day Summary

– Getting the Gear is fun, but don’t enroll in MSCI
100 if you don’t like sweating.

– The Screensavers is the best show on TV.

– I saw a guy pass a Cocaine filled condom out of the
drive thru at Taco Bell. Cool.

– Animal Crackers are the best cookie in the world.

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Why not something from LOTR:

There is nothing interesting here except the word
“Trees” on his hand. Only Merry could pull that off.