Cork on the Fork

A Salute to Mario Batali, Patrick Norton, and Kevin
Rose

The Three Greatest Men Alive in Our
Times

�

�

Some might ask: “What kind of scary man would dedicate an entire
update to these three amigos?”

That same person would then respond with: “A sick, sick,
sonuvabitch” Which is probably true.

But I would then respond with: “Who else could teach me the art of
Italian Cooking while still maintaining a strange red beard?” or “Yes,
a man can be knowledgeable about computers and still wear a kilt.”

—

Mario Batali

Pros:

– Cooks Excellent Italian Food

– Can talk really fast

– Is pleasantly plump

Cons:

– Wears shorts on TV to show off his pale Italian legs. (Shudder).
The only thing greasier is a grease farmer*

* – Assuming Grease Farmers Exist

Kevin Rose

Pros:

– Knows Computers

– Makes low brow jokes about others on air

– Has no facial hair (Like a Baby! Awwwwwwwwww)*

* – Assuming babies Exist

Cons:

– Has to work with Jessica Corben (bet)

– May or May not be really, really, gay

Patrick Norton

Pros:

– Drinks Dr. Pepper by the Gross

– Abuses Computers (with a sledgehammer)

– Not afraid to wear a kilt

Cons:

– Not afraid to wear a kilt

– Hair loss

———

Alright, I urge you all to learn more about these forces of
Excellence in Modern Society.

——–

Gordon Gekko: The richest one percent of this
country owns half our country’s wealth, five trillion dollars. One
third of that comes from hard work, two thirds comes from inheritance,
interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons and what I
do, stock and real estate speculation. It’s bullshit. You got ninety
percent of the American public out there with little or no net worth.
I create nothing. I own.

Steve ruined our nice clean carpet…..

At least, that’s how it looked to me.

As Steve himself put it: “15 beers in an hour is my
limit.”

To that I say: “Yes Steve, Yes. It. Is.”

——————–

Day Summary

– Getting the Gear is fun, but don’t enroll in MSCI
100 if you don’t like sweating.

– The Screensavers is the best show on TV.

– I saw a guy pass a Cocaine filled condom out of the
drive thru at Taco Bell. Cool.

– Animal Crackers are the best cookie in the world.

—————–

Why not something from LOTR:

There is nothing interesting here except the word
“Trees” on his hand. Only Merry could pull that off.

To sum up the first few days in the apartment:

Just as much confusion.

————————————————-

The whole time I’ve been here (2 days) in Olde Mill
(27I) has been very, very strange. Keep in mind nothing remarkable has
happened, it just feels different than home or school.
I keep smelling a mixture of coffee and cleaning fluid that
reminds me of being on vacation. Also, I keep having Deja Vu that
makes me feel like my Parents: Putting Groceries in a Station Wagon,
Washing Dishes, Watching the Food Network etc. Man, I feel like a 40
Year Old, BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

————–

I’m going to Update the Image Galleries soon with
summer related pictures – keep your eyes open.

————–

Alright, I can update this site much more frequently
now, so lets get it started off right —-

My Normal Movie Quote and Image:

DuPont:
And you, Preston, the supposed savior of the resistance are now its
destroyer  and along with them, you’ve given me yourself…
calmly… coolly… Entirely without incident.

John Preston:
No…
[Polygraph goes dead]

Technician: Oh… Shit!

John Preston:
Not with out incident.

Indeed.

When I was little there used to be a homeless guy on a corner
near my house. He would beg for money all day, but his most
wonderful characterisitic was his total lack of arms. He had
nothing past the elbow. We used to call him “stubby”
for that reason.

In all fairness, I think he ruined the begging for everyone else.
I mean, who’s gonna give change to a guy with a grizzled beard
and jeans when they just passed a guy who didnt have any arms?

I really felt sorry for that guy. They did a story on him in the
paper once – I think he could type with little pencil things
strapped to his stubs.

————–

“I can’t stand light. I hate weather. My idea of heaven is
moving from one smoke-filled room to another.”

– Peter O’Toole

————–

The evil beard has come along nicely.

The number of requests for an update has finally overcome my
seeming inability to sit down and type one today, so, without further
ado – its SUPER HAPPY FABULOUS UPDATE SATURDAY!!!

Visitors:

Ada –
From “Outside of Philly, Not New Jersey.” A rather charming young lady
from the depths of the Philly ghetto came down to Fairfax earlier this
week and entertained me* with her wild antics. She looked nothing like
what I believed she would, but I blame it on these crazy-wild glasses
she had. As is custom with me – I started jibba-jabbering myself into
a state of semi-coherent references to adult life and college. I think
she thought I was funny though, which is better than say, Creepy,
or……I don’t know, seeming retatrded.

* – Told the Hooters Waitress it was my Birthday, which in turn
forced me to stand up and make a fool of myself in front of the place
trying to hoola hoop. Ah, good times..Good times.

Evanito – The
crazy depressed man that only seemed distantly depressed this time.
Tis all in good fun because he hates things sometimes like I do…and
HATE IS A POWERFUL BOND! JUST ASK THE GERMAN PEOPLE OF 1939!!! WAHAHHA
I PUT IN A NAZI REFERENCE!!!.*

* – If you are Jewish do not be
offended, well, be offended if you want…but know that that makes you
a pitiful, pitiful human being. I award you no points, and may god
have mercy on your soul.

Riechers’s’es’ss – The man who was supposed
to make me a smoking jacket, but who instead spent his summer passing
out behind the Starbucks counter after his sixth Irish Frappucino. As
usual, Riechers provided me with entertainment when he tried to play
some frisbee with some strange guys in a� field somewhere. I’m
bot saying your bad at frisbee, I’m just saying that If Frisbee was
your sport, you would have to compete in the special olympics. But
there is nothing wrong with that! Nothing!

Anyway, we all went to
eat, then to a huka (sp?) bar where one of Riecher’s’ses’s friends
belittled me wit his ability to blow perfect smoke rings..DAMN YOU
DREW !!!(sp?)

I got lost in my own town after turning the wrong way
to get out and went over a concrete ramp at approximately 45mph into a
steel mill* and proceeded to go airborne in a� ’90 Camry. The
only structural damage was to my spinal cord. Thank God.

* – Where
the hell did I find a steel mill in Alexandria?

———

On the Warehouse Front:

– Brad Retired, a pity. But I
found out he stole FUBAR from me. How dare he.

– Adam is still
convincing me he is mildly retarded. But god be damned if it isn’t fun
watching him jump rope like a broken washing machine with human fat
strapped to the sides.

– Willy…well, Willy is a Nut. I don’t know
what it is about his sense of humor, but sometimes it gets me like a
punch right in the gut.

Weekly* Willy Quote: (Paul (a guy at work (not me)) swats a fly and
kills it. Willy watches it fall to the floor and then the following
exchange.)

Paul: “I killed it.”

Willy: “Now eat it.”

* – Or
whenever I feel like it.

– Nate is Willy’s counterpart. Without Nate,
Willy is half a man. And without Willy…Nate is a German Terrorist.

Nate Moment:

(Paul (the same guy as above) has a meeting in 10
minutes.)

Paul enters the lunchroom without warning….

Nate:
“Hello Paul…” (Proceeds to spray him in the crotch with a water
bottle eighteen times in 4 seconds.

Paul: “Dammit, I have a meeting
in 10 minutes”

Nate: “Wahahhahahahahahha!”

——–

Week In Summary:

– Seabiscuit – Not so Good.

– John
Loomis – Scary

– Ralph Byrd – Could be dead. I don’t know.

– Ada –
Cool.�

– Evan – Not that Depressed, or Bitter.

– Chris – Making me a
smoking jacket!!!!!

– Me – Good, I have an Ipod. It is my lord and
savior and I have embraced it.

– Drew – That bastard thinks he’s better than me because he can
blow smoke rings…well, he probably is. What the hell.

————–

Quote of the Update:

Brad Fawsett Memroial
Bed-Wetting Quotes

��You really wet the
bed don this one.�

�Why are these sheets all
wet?�

��I smell Urine.�

�HE (Adam) wet the bed and
now WERE sleeping in it.�

—————————

Archival Image of the Infamous Special K Fiasco.

Adam: “These books were extra.”

Brad: “Extra? There
are no extras.”

Adam: “…..”

Brad:
“There are 26 letters in the alphabet, Adam, that means 26 Titles in
every kit. We already finished 86 kits.”

Adam: “They
were extra.”

Brad and Myself at the same time:
“F^#K!”

All need to be repacked. Each weighed in excess of 60 Pounds.

Not Shown: Any kind of Remorse on Adam’s Part,
Knowledge of the Alphabet, or Mercy from God.

“If you’re an Engineer out there, please don’t drink
and throw bombs at ambulances.”

                                                                                
– Spike Jonze

Truer words have never been spoken.

That
quote reminded me I needed to do an update,  you know, since so
many people need to know exactly what I’m thinking. (Read: No One)
…..(Read: I don’t have a copy editor. Why do I write little notes
like that? Speaking of which, who is supposed to be reading the note
I’m writing right now? Woah, It’s like a Mirror reflecting a mirror.)

In any case, I just completed the first annual Paul Church Deck
Barbecue, which consisted of Turkey Dogs, Grilled Bananas (In their
Skins), and Cucumber wedges. That was followed by smores. Oh, and
Cereal – Gotta have that cereal.

From what I can tell, it seemed
excellent. But who knows, I was just feeding myself and the assorted
animals in my backyard. 

I spent all yesterday as a temporary courier for FCPS, which was
nice because I totally had the use of a car with a decent cd player.
Nirvana Unplugged.

————–

In lieu of real
pictures (since I don’t write these updates from my PC):

I’m going to get arrested for this. Arrested and Shot. Shot and
Killed. But god damn! I’m gonna go down in a firefight, and that’s the
way Jesus would have wanted it if he were still around.

Talk about accurate! I can hit a 1 inch post from 50 yards every time.
I haven’t “hunted” anyone yet, but that’s what townies are for. As we
all know, I hunt (exclusively) the deadliest game of all…….Man.

Quote of the Update:

James Lipton, Actor/ Host of The Actors Studio
“One night, he [Christopher Walken] and George Plimpton and I went to
Madison Square Garden to see the fights. And, finally, we left the
Garden and there were the three of us, Chris, Plimpton and I on 8th
Avenue and 31st Street and all of the sudden we were surrounded by a
tight, unbroken ring of young black men, and the three of us looked at
each other and thought, ‘well…what’s this?’ And they just stood
there staring at us… and then the leader of them stepped forward,
put his belly against Chris’, and said, ‘Man, you are the coolest
white man in America.’ And, I said to Chris, ‘That is the best
compliment you will get as long as you live.'”

– That quote speaks to my love for Chris Walken and James
Lipton.

New Feature – Lyrics of the Update:

My girl, my girl, don’t lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night

In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun don’t ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through

My girl, my girl, where will you go
I’m going where the cold wind blows
 

——————————————————

[A Russian gangster comes into the bar]
Murphy MacManus:
So you’re Chekov, huh? Well, this here’s McCoy. Find a Spock, we got
us an away team.