Shotgun Face
What if Tiny Tim had been a rapper?
Tiptoe to da window, by da window dat’s where I’ll be
Come tiptoe trough da tulips wit me, Kill a negro etc.
This is just one of the myriad thoughts that crossed through my
mind today.
UREC in the morning was largely uninteresting except for the
PJ/Paul weight competition.
– PJ – 132 Pounds
– Paul – 134 Pounds
Repeated three times for assurance.
I hold a 2 Ib Weight Advantage, Hoorah. However, the pain of
learning that I have dwindled to PJ’s size was incomparable to the
other pain that morning: Walking through the Men’s Locker Room.
Now, there is nothing I hate more than bare Man-Bottom and this was
no exception. I’ve spent my life resigned to the fact that I could
never enter another Urine Soaked Public Pool because of the Risk of
witnessing Man-Bottom in its full glory in some shanty-like Men’s
Locker Room. Walking into the communal bathroom every morning always
fearing that one drunken male (age 19-23) has forgotten to wear pants
begins to wear on my mind.
I saw Man-Bottom today my friends, And I don’t think I’ll ever be
the same.
Queen is indeed the Best Band of All Time. I will never be
able to mimic what Freddie Mercury does with his voice in Bohemian
Rhapsody (Almost flutters “Mama, ooh, Didn’t mean to make you cry”)
but I can still listen to it.
We are what we love, not what loves us.
I’ve been popping Sudafed and Ibuprofen like they’re candy lately,
but this God Forsaken Cold will not cure itself. I looked like a huge
crack addict today because I cut my hand on a desk then couldn’t use
it to open the Safety Seal on the bottle of Motrin. I had to try
opening it with just one hand and proceeded to pour them (the pills)
in the direction of my mouth which resulted in a cascade of little
white capsules down my coat. It was hard communicating (without
speaking mind you, my mouth was full of pills) to the Professor
who watched me struggle to quench my thirst for medication, what
exactly I was doing without being arrested on Narcotics charges.
Who Sucks:
– Those Girls in my Health Class who will not, ever,
stop talking.
– The vending machine guy who stocked Mountain Dew Code Red and A&W
Root Beer at the same time. I should have known not to mix the two
deadliest and carbonated (respectively) soft drinks.
Who’s Cool:
– Freddie Mercury
– Steve (For providing me with endless comedic relief after
consuming a Diet Dr. Pepper and wincing in pain as it ravaged his
internal organs)
– People who listen (You know I don’t ask for it a lot
people)
Who’s Neutral:
Sam Beckett
No wait, he’s cool. he just looks neutral.
I’m no friggin’ monument to justice! I lost my
hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride! You
want me to take my heartache, put it away and forget?