Cork on the Fork

I don’t get angry at all anymore.  I can’t
remember the last time I was honestly pissed at something or someone.

Maybe I seem stoic to people, maybe I seem like a coward. Mostly it’s
just indifference. 

When I was a kid my Dad got angry a lot, and I
remember hating it, so I made a conscious decision that I wouldn’t do
that when I was an adult.  It seems like I always stay calm no
matter what I do anymore, and it’s intensely irritating to me
sometimes.

I’m almost afraid of showing strong emotion like that.
I mean, I’m out of practice and it takes real effort. So in any case,
that’s why I never seem pissed.

—————————————————————

Once again, I’ve discovered that instead of wearing pants I can just
substitute a ski mask and goggles. Sure, my legs are frozen right now,
but the facial warmth just feels good.

——————————————————————–

In Other News:

– Must Buy “Hot” Watch From Street
Vendor

– Hmm, Definitely Possible at 30 mph – Injuries?

– Must Haggle Riechy for Ride

– Weight is Steady at
130, 1100 Calories a Day

– Racquetball skills improve,
slightly

– Where are you Star Wars Girl?

Then the man drowsed off into what seemed to him the most
comfortable and satisfying sleep he had ever known. The dog sat facing
him and waiting. The brief day drew to a close in a long, slow
twilight. There were no signs of a fire to be made, and, besides,
never in the dog’s experience had it known a man to sit like that in
the snow and make no fire. As the twilight drew on, its eager yearning
for the fire mastered it, and with a great lifting and shifting of
forefeet, it whined softly, then flattened its ears down in
anticipation of being chidden by the man. But the man remained silent.
Later, the dog whined loudly. And still later it crept close to the
man and caught the scent of death. This made the animal bristle and
back away. A little longer it delayed, howling under the stars that
leaped and danced and shone brightly in the cold sky. Then it turned
and trotted up the trail in the direction of the camp it knew, where
were the other food-providers and fire-providers.

In One Day:

– PHPNuke Installed

– Website Content Imported

–
Men’s Gymnastics?

– Chick Fila and Cannibal Corpse

The Joy of watching Chris Riechers laugh so hard that he cried is
unparalleled in Modern Society. Apparently, pretending my hand is a
Microphone and reciting the worlds most horrific lyrics into it while
simultaneously speaking in a low psychotic voice created a state of
near hilarity Nirvana, the likes of which have never been seen before.

Listen, it’s not that I don’t enjoy some aspects of Men’s
Gymnastics… its just hard for me to keep from wincing every time a
guy does the splits from a  full flip.  I really wished I
had seen the Women’s Gymnastic Team instead because they have the
ribbon dancing, which is really superior to anything else I can
imagine someone doing with a floor mat or a piece of equipment.

Pure Evil

Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This, is
my boomstick. It�s a 12 gauge double-barreled Remington, S-Marts top
of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department.
That�s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan,
retails for about $109.95. It�s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel,
and a hair trigger. That�s Right, Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.

All this talk about Corpses and whatnot has led me to recall my Bruce
Campbell Fetish.

– PJ! Pay Me!

– Jerry
Come Home?

– I had a Stroke?

Sometimes I Feel Like This, Sometimes.

Alright, My site got moved across servers without notice, so I was
down for awhile. MySQL DB’s, Config.php, and Usernames are now burned
into my tortured soul.

Moving On……Right Now I am as Red as the “Red Skull” but with
significantly less evil. Sadly, My Team is losing.

Shortly Thereafter we Proceeded to Lakeside with Evan.

Apparently, the Red Skull brought us luck. At lakeside we won the
“Hourly” Drawing for March Madness and came into possession of much
junkfood, a T-Shirt, Gatorade, and assorted JMU branded merchandise.
FREE FOOD BABY!

Random Quote Time!

———————————————————————-

Today I was in Charlottesville where I did nothing, but the car ride
was worth it.

Yesterday, I sat through an entire class of COB 202 where the guy
sitting next to me smelled like Hot Dogs.

Me: “Does anyone smell hot dogs?”

Kevin: “I was grilling.”

Me: “You son of a bitch. Why must you taunt me?”

——

Tonight (10:00 ish, Lakeside)

Girls: (Giggling, then Stare at Me)

Me: “I am the Redskull!”

——

Calhoun’s

PJ: “Do you think they have pottery classes here?”

Me: “In Calhouns? No, I don’t believe so.”

——

Calhoun’s

Steve: “Have fun with Charlie Batch!”

—–

Charlottesville

Jerry: (Driving like a madman) “There’s gotta be a way out of here!”

Harv: “There’s a sidewalk. Lets Drive through there.”

———————————————————————–

Ok, enough quoting. Anyone who’s reading this: feel free to comment on
this story with hilarious quotes.

See it’s funny, because no one posts comments but e-dawg and myself.

In Other News:

– So little sleep, so much PHP

– Red Paint is burning my skull, but in a good way

– Crazy Wild Dreams must be a result of Business of late

No Middle Fingers! It’s Overdone. At least be creative.

My Most Prized Possession

�

The Sexual Assault Mask

Modeled by Han Solo

I can’t describe the love for this
simple ski mask turned Sexual Assault Aid. No, I have never
actually sexually assaulted anyone wearing this mask, but if I
needed to, I would choose this particular one in a heartbeat. It
provides the Insulation of a� full face mask and facial obscurity
without sacrificing freedom of movement in the process.�

————————————————————-

It might feel good
it might sound a little somethin’
but damn the game if it don’t mean nothin
what is game who got game
where’s the game in life behind the game behind the game
I got game
she’s got game
we got game
they got game
he got game
it might feel good
or sound a little somethin
but fuck the game if it ain’t saying nothin

Oh
yeah, tell it like it is P.E.

I have the sudden urge to
just throw my life out the window and dedicate it to the kids.

—————————————————————

She lists her interests as: Beatles, Indiana Jones, Monty Python, U2,
Princess Bride, and Webpage Design. But she’s from Toronto.

Diznam Girl, Where You Been All my Life?

In Other News:

– Must Purchase Bowl?

– Urge to Smoke Rising

– Thank You Adobe Photoshop, you have given me so much

The glory of taking a man from his bed in the middle of the night
and gunning him down in front of his wife and children. Where is the
glory in that?
�

What if Tiny Tim had been a rapper?

Tiptoe to da window, by da window dat’s  where I’ll be
Come tiptoe trough da tulips wit me, Kill a negro etc.

This is just one of the myriad thoughts that crossed through my
mind today.

UREC in the morning was largely uninteresting except for the
PJ/Paul weight competition.

– PJ – 132 Pounds                                                                                                              

– Paul – 134 Pounds

Repeated three times for assurance.

I hold a 2 Ib Weight Advantage, Hoorah.  However, the pain of
learning that I have dwindled to PJ’s size was incomparable to the
other pain that morning: Walking through the Men’s Locker Room.

Now, there is nothing I hate more than bare Man-Bottom and this was
no exception. I’ve spent my life resigned to the fact that I could
never enter another Urine Soaked Public Pool because of the Risk of
witnessing Man-Bottom in its full glory in some shanty-like Men’s
Locker Room. Walking into the communal bathroom every morning always
fearing that one drunken male (age 19-23) has forgotten to wear pants
begins to wear on my mind.

I saw Man-Bottom today my friends, And I don’t think I’ll ever be
the same.

Queen is indeed the Best Band of All Time.  I will never be
able to mimic what Freddie Mercury does with his voice in Bohemian
Rhapsody (Almost flutters “Mama, ooh, Didn’t mean to make you cry”)
but I can still listen to it.

We are what we love, not what loves us.

I’ve been popping Sudafed and Ibuprofen like they’re candy lately,
but this God Forsaken Cold will not cure itself. I looked like a huge
crack addict today because I cut my hand on a desk then couldn’t use
it to open the Safety Seal on the bottle of Motrin.  I had to try
opening it with just one hand and proceeded to pour them (the pills)
in the direction of my mouth which resulted in a cascade of little
white capsules down my coat. It was hard communicating  (without
speaking mind you, my mouth was full of pills)  to the Professor
who watched me struggle to quench my thirst for medication, what
exactly I was doing without being arrested on Narcotics charges.

Who Sucks:

– Those Girls in my Health Class who will not, ever,
stop talking.

– The vending machine guy who stocked Mountain Dew Code Red and A&W
Root Beer at the same time. I should have known not to mix the two
deadliest and carbonated (respectively) soft drinks.

Who’s Cool:

– Freddie Mercury

– Steve (For providing me with endless comedic relief after
consuming a Diet Dr. Pepper and wincing in pain as it ravaged his
internal organs)

– People who listen (You know I don’t ask for it  a lot
people)

Who’s Neutral:

Sam Beckett

No wait, he’s cool. he just looks neutral.

I’m no friggin’ monument to justice! I lost my
hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride! You
want me to take my heartache, put it away and forget?

I tape recorded my recollections of two dreams I had this morning.

Dream one: I was in one of my friends houses and I got robbed by two
guys posing as mailmen. They tied me up with duct tape after my friend
left to go to some Music Festival.

Dream Two: I was in my room and woke up to SUPER LONG HAIR that was 6
inches longer than it had been the day before. I remember thinking,
“Damn! How did my hair grow that fast?”

I also dreamt that I was Han Solo in Star Wars, but that’s pretty
normal for me.

———————————————————–

Steve took the liberty of using pieces of masking tape with the word
“anus” printed on it to mislabel some of my DVD’s in a comical
fashion.

Ghostbusters = Anus Busters

Fight Club = Anus Club

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels = Dirty Rotten Anus

etc.

I must have a super low tolerance for sugar or something, here’s a
conversation I had with a waitress at Calhoun’s that I believe was the
result of sugar-induced Intoxication:

Waitress: “Would you like any dessert?”

Me: (Put arm around man next to me) “This guy…would like a Sloppy
Cream Sundae!”

Waitress: “We don’t have that.”

Jerry: “Why didn’t you talk to that guy with me?”

Me: “I hate that Mother F^&*er!”

Jerry: “Wahahahahhahahaha.”

Ahhh, dinner with the guys.

Oh, and give Karen my Best.

——————————————————

Alright, with all likelihood I have a place to live next year, so
preparations must begin for the giant Plywood wall of Graffiti!

She stands a mighty 9 Feet Tall and 15 Feet Across.

 

I hope it still exists in one – three pieces
somewhere. Possibly Pennsylvania?

Hell, we can always
make a new one.

——————————————————-

Ok, Hilarity.

Professor: “You see, this is no harder. It’s just more constraints.”

Me and a Classmate: “…………………….damn.”

In
all truth, the problem is not that difficult if you know what you’re
looking at, but I still find it comical that there were 24
Constraints. Plus, that picture is awesome.

Seth, your
scanning skills are appreciated.

——————————————————————

In Other News:

– Racquetball Skills Improving

– New Jersey Confirmation

– Working in the Office of
the Secretary of Defense? Here I Come Rummy!

Elsa:
[to Indy] I’ll never forget how vonderful it vas.
Professor Henry Jones: Why thank you. It was rather wonderful.
Elsa: [Kisses Indy.] Zat’s how Austrians say goodbye.
Colonel Vogel: Und zis is how ve zay goodbye in Germany, Dr. Jones.

[Punches Indy.]
Indiana Jones: I liked the Austrian way better.
Professor Henry Jones: So did I.
 

I never knew what to do with my life. Hell, I still don’t know what
I’m doing with my life.

who craves more time to spend alone everyday
withdrawing farther and farther to where I feel safe
but the farther I go, the lonelier I get
and it just continues

I typed this without realizing what I was
doing, and it seems I typed something I didn’t even realize I knew.

Will you remember me in 15 years?
I don’t know what I’ll remember in 15 years.
but you’re not so forgettable
also, I’m gambling on yes.
I’m going to remember you
I want it to at least line up in the space time continuum

Sometimes,
when I feel my very lowest…I think I’m somehow closer to my deep
conscious. Things I can’t realize about myself at other times seem
clearer in that instant.

he sounds like a great guy
you don’t know him.
I’m happy for you
he is, but you still don’t know him
I know you
and I know you like him
that’s enough

To sum it up – I don’t have people I can talk to in my
daily life, and I don’t think I should. I’ve spent years talking to
myself instead, and I think I’ve developed something a lot of people
try to deny in themselves.

Aside – This has got to be the most vague and unorganized peace of
tripe I’ve ever written………. but what the Hell.

In Other News:

– Jon Stewart writes a mean essay

– PJ owes me $10

– As I write
this sentence PJ returns. Its Galactic Battlegrounds Time.

If you strike me down, I’ll become more powerful
than you can possibly imagine.

We have Group Meetings about how to have a group
meeting. How Ironic!

I just prepared a budget worksheet with 132 blanks

The best and funniest times are always between 7:00 PM
and 1:00 AM:

– The Koser Laugh made PJ turn so Red after he dropped
his notebook. He is the laughing stock of PC Dukes

– I dyed my Skull Red after a hand painting session.
The look was not so much “Red Skull” as it was “Massive Headwound.” I
do believe the Captain America Headband I was wearing at Dukes was the
final touch. (Headband was found at UREC, Probably Unwashed)

– We discussed the finer points of the Elbow and “Grundel”
relationship

– Steve and I had a chocolate egg fight, which
resulted in bruises to my back, and a headwound.

– I rode Riechers like a Horse! Who wants to ride the
Blowney Poney?

– Apparently, It’s not very gentlemanly to wait till
someone is looking the other way then jump on top of their car and try
to climb in through the sunroof. Jerry thought I was Batman.

——————————————————————–

“Well, you call those useless yerk-toting
frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys and you tell them you’re gonna be an
hour late.”

Once again I find myself going to bed rather early,
but waking around 4 in the morning. I have no idea why this has
started to happen recently, but I am presuming it’s biological since
my Dad has similar sleep patterns.

Human beings tend to think from one day to the next
-today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow- and the borders between the
days are maintained by sleep. So, to me at least, waking up at such an
odd hour seems to give me an extra day (albeit, one only an hour or so
long). Keep in mind, I only stay awake for an hour or so, then get
tired again and return to the Upper Bunk.

As I usually
do, I walked over to my fridge and replenished the liquid I had lost
while sleeping and then progressed outside of my room. I feel sorry
for the people at JMU that live in long hallways where you have to
walk by 30 doors to get to a staircase, I rather enjoy the fact that I
can avoid human contact while moving around. I went to the window and
opened it up – 81 was quiet, there were just a few trucks passing
every couple of minutes. You could hear them a mile off as they
started getting gradually louder and after they roared by it was
nearly silent again.

Alright, I walked around some more
to see if anyone was around. My insomniac friend from next door had
just taken a shower and I said “Hi” then kept walking. When I got
outside a cab pulled up and one guy got out and walked briskly inside
the building, He looked pretty out of it.

 

If I could somehow focus what I refer to as “The 4 AM
Craziness” I currently possess, I could probably do some useful
things. I could make people breakfast, or do my homework, but for some
reason I don’t. More than likely I would just end up updating this
website, but what the hell.

—————————————————————

Maybe I should videotape myself sleeping sometime. I know I sleep like
a Vietnam Vet with all my kicking and twisting, but it’d be cool to
know exactly what I do. I have the “falling” dream at least a dozen
times every night (the one where you kick like a crazy person because
your body believes you’re falling). It probably means that my
subconscious thinks I’m failing (failing = falling).

FreakyDreams.com

 

Your Dream: Falling Words like falling: Loss of honor. Fear of failure. Loss of power and feeling out of control.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

But how can I have the “flying” dream then, too?
 

Your Dream: Flying Words like flying: Combination of control and freedom. Power. Success in all enterprises.

I guess this means I’m very successful in my failure.

—————————————————————–

In Other News:

– Fall in love with the Idea of Love?

– Nah

– Dammit Dixon, you have to hit the three
at the Buzzer.

Some people just wanted to blow it
all to hell, animal, vegetable and mineral. They wanted a Vietnam they
could fit into their car ashtrays.

– Michael Herr, Dispatches, 1977