Crotch Bat

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

You know children don’t like you when you’re shopping and this
happens:

Me: “Hey, what does this do that’s cool?” (I point to a toy
sword)

Kid: “……..” (Hits me in the gut with the aforementioned
sword)

Me: (After getting back up), “Thanks.”

And people wonder
why I don’t enjoy children…..

——————————————–

Eye contact was never
something I was good at, and now I know why. Just looking at someone
like that makes me feel way to vulnerable, and I can’t control myself.

My Fascination with Queen continues. “Under Pressure” is the song du
jour and I can’t get the “give love, give love” line out of my head.
It’s a shame all the really good musicians die early, while the really
crappy ones seem to be immune to Death’s Cold Grip.

Chris Riechers: “Yanni wouldn’t be half as creepy if he didn’t toss
his hair every ten seconds.”

Click

here for a Directory of Dead
Musicians

Special Regards go out to Nick Drake. He was
only 26, but had completed 5 albums. Trust me, his work influenced a
lot of what you listen to.

I’ve never walked so far in
a sustained wind in my life. I swear to God, this was a 35 Mile per
Hour sustained wind. My hat blew off under a car and
when I went after it I was hoping the driver wouldn’t see me, but
alas, today was not my day and I lived to tell about it.

Coffee tastes like dirt to me, but I’m growing fonder
of it. I started out with Hot Chocolate, moved to Cappucino, first
sweetened then unsweetened, and now I’m drinking Regular with
Lightener. I never get Caffeine highs though, at least I don’t think I
do. 

Contribution Margins are why the Airlines are
struggling. Fixed Costs are too high, but what the hell are you going
to do with a 45 Million Dollar Jet?

Also, I don’t
approach people often because I don’t feel I have anything to offer
them. I associate no value with myself, and I just can’t understand
why anyone would voluntarily interact with me.  That’s why I
recoil when  touched.  Do people honestly believe they have
a trait or characteristic that sets them  head and shoulders
above other people? I want to believe I have something like that, but
I don’t know what it is.

In Other News:

– Mmmmmm, Frosted Wheat

– Riding a train to work? Kind
of like Shining Time Station with Chemical Weapons

– Pants, for the love of God. A belt, A belt! My Kingdom for a Belt!

And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves

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Upset, Never.

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

Ok, Today was rather busy as days go.

– Possible Apartment Mate Buys 2 Gallons of Milk

– Splinter Cell has consumed my Life

– 291 Quiz Raped
me, and by raped I mean mildly fatigued me

– Everyone
Stop Yelling at Me! Look Inside Yourself, Live Life, Give Thanks and
Release

– Now Release Again

———————————————————-

Ok, Short Update. I’m Tired, and I don’t like writing after about oh
um, 1:00 AM.

I have an incredible urge to take Ink-Blot
tests because I remembered taking one and now I want to do it again.
It was a good time. Run On Sentence?

It’s funny how
these random memories just surface occasionally, and the best part is
that most of them are all fun and good.

– As previously
mentioned, The Ink-Blot Test

– Walking to Movies in
Arctic Temperatures with Shorts

– Playgrounds at
Midnight, Freezing

– Tag with my Siblings as a Kid

– Street Tennis – WATCH OUT FOR CARS!

– Berlee Drive
Hill, On a Bike, With no Brakes

– Getting the snot
slapped out of me by my Mother, but the Apology later. (I can take a
beating!)

– Mud Pit behind the Shed – Special Thanks to
Ross for Hose Control

– I Hosted a News Program? What
the Hell did I Smoke? Wait, I don’t really even smoke?

– Air Tents!

Okay, I have hundreds more, but I cant
recite them at one time.

————————————————————

In Other News:

– Johnny Cask Now and Forever

– Download “Hurt” by Johnny Cash

– It’s not country,
calm down!

– She was cute, carrying two apples

– DS as a Roommate? What are we thinking?

– I’m
thinking Dead Prostitute in the Shower


Eugene Kittridge:
I understand you’re very upset.
Ethan Hunt:
Kittridge, you’ve never seen me very upset.

I
like this quote because he never gets upset.

Leave A Comment »

Carl Sagan Had it All Together

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life when you felt useless
because you weren’t feeding starving children in Somalia or
researching Light Speed Space Travel?

Ever pondered the Sum Total of
Your Existence?

Carl Sagan contemplated
a picture of Earth, taken from the Voyager spacecraft in deep
interplanetary space:

“We
succeeded in taking that picture [from deep space], and, if you look
at it, you see a dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it,
everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived
out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings,
thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines,
every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and
destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple
in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor
and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every
superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history
of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.

“The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the
rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in
glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a
fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the
inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable
inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their
misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent
their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the
delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are
challenged by this point of pale light.

“Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In
our obscurity — in all this vastness — there is no hint that help
will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us.
It’s been said that astronomy is a humbling, and I might add, a
character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better
demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image
of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal
more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and
cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

Every day I  wake up pissed at
myself because I cant understand why I can’t value any of the things I
do or anything that someone else does. Carl Sagan had it all together
and it makes me want to stab him in the eye with a rusty corkscrew.

I want to know how to feel this way about
the planet, the people, and the places on it.

In Other News:

– Jerry got so annoyed with Julie he
pushed her into some bushes

–
The Speaker at the US Foreign Policy Symposium was very interesting.
Did you know we strong armed the Afghani People into electing Karzai?
It turns out the US values stable governments more than Democratic
ones.

– I spent 6:30 sitting in
plastic chairs today

– PJ got
tricked into Jewing an innocent man for biting his pretzel

– I survived the Hanta Virus

– I’m sorry for using so many quotes in
place of actual, real writing, but I just couldn’t turn Carl down

Leave A Comment »

BRO

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

First Off, Never Mix Medication with Caffeine. I
felt a little woozy in my Stat’s Class, but I resolved that by
vomiting relentlessly into a trashcan outside. Situation Resolved.

I wish I had more pictures of me doing things where
I was smiling. It’s not that I don’t have any fun, it’s that I’ve
been afraid to smile since I got braces as a kid. I just thought
about that when I couldn’t find one picture where I had a big grin
on my face today. Does anyone want to trail me like the Paparazzi to
get some action pics? I thought not, good people are hard to find.

—————————————————————–

You Jive Monkeys reading this are most likely aware
of the poll about Iraq which, by the way, seems to be drawing a lot
of votes for some reason. In any case, I’ve been to a few
seminars/debates on this war and come to a lot of differing
conclusions. 1) It’s going to get worse before it gets better and 2)
War is Hell. Just like in the movies.

I am pretty much opposed to fighting wars, but I
really feel for the guys that have to fight in them. I know this is
a big guilt trip, but it always bothered me that all the people I
know at JMU or elsewhere have the pettiest (sp?) concerns in
comparison to someone Iraqi or American or Whatever fighting over
some piece of dirt somewhere.

Random US Kid:

– Is my boyfriend gonna come over tonight?

– I need to get my grade up in Sociology

– I need a pair of Abercrombie Jeans

– Dude, my Favorite Band is going to play at Main
Street Tonight

Soldier:

– Damn, I can’t feel my leg anymore. That shrapnel
isn’t helping.

– I have to write to Tom’s parents, to tell him he’s
dead.

– I hope I don’t die in my sleep when a Mortar
explodes on me.

– I need to stay alive.

It’s been mentioned to me that we fight wars like
this to maintain the ability of US citizens to consume. I
mean, Democracy is based on having a choice, and in the US that
choice is applied to what you’re going to purchase – It’s the basis
of a market economy, the two go hand-in-hand. We are fighting this
war to secure Oil in the Middle East and to secure our ability to
consume Gasoline so we can drive to wherever the Hell we want to go.
That has been the US Policy since the Carter Doctrine, and I don’t
see how anyone can believe that this is anything but an Oil War.

Here’s the Problem: No one hear is willing to give
up their Cars, CD’s, Abercrombie Clothes, etc. so we don’t have to
fight in Wars like this. All that stuff is made with machines that
run on oil, or derive power from an oil-based energy system.  I
for one am not willing to give up the PC I’m writing this on, and
it’s just unbelievable to me that a culture can be that addicted to
crappy items that we don’t need, but refuse to give up even if we
have to fight wars to keep them.

Sorry, I was ranting like a madman, but I got the
idea’s from Burnett.

——————————————————-

In Other News:

– Simulation Modeling. Sounds Boring, But is
actually Quite Cool

– Free candy from the ladies downstairs – Thankee
Kindly M’am

– Cheerios WITH Fruit! Freeze Dried Fruit. Thank you
General Mills.

[The troop stops before a memorial]
Johnson:
Would you look at how fast they put the names of all our guys who
got killed?
The Sergeant:
That’s a World War One memorial.
Johnson:
But the name’s are the same.
The Sergeant:
They always are.

– The Big Red One

(It’s a little known, but highly underrated World War II Film. I
highly recommend.)

Leave A Comment »

Swastika Tables

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

I was obsessively cleaning today and I found two
things:

– Handspring Visor (Glorified Gameboy) which I
Managed to Bring Back to working Order

– Old Movie
Ticket

The Ticket had Sentimental Value, So I was glad
I still had it.

I need clear packing tape to laminate
it, though.

—————————————————————–

I found myself in the basement of my Dorm taking pictures of our
“Swastika” Study Lounge Tables because I find them hilarious. The
students studying down there must have thought I was a little crazy
though.

Oh, I’m sure there are forces at work here. Who lets a swastika table
slide through production?

Artist Du Jour: Dun Tan, and
his Chinese Classical.

——————————————————————-

In Other News:

– Downloads Section is Open

– St. Johns, Piow

– Steve referred to me as “Gaunt”,
booyah

– Mmm, Swiss Almond Chocolate

Li Mu Bai:
I’ve already wasted my whole life. I want to tell you with my last
breath that I have always loved you. I would rather be a ghost,
drifting by your side as a condemned soul, than enter heaven without
you. Because of your love, I will never be a lonely spirit.

Leave A Comment »

Suicide and Elevator Rides

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

15 Laps at UREC before I realized I shouldn’t be running anymore.

I laid down in the Elevator from the third floor to the first, partly
to see what it would be like moving vertically in a  horizontal
position and partly because I couldn’t stand up any longer.

It felt
good to be exhausted physically, it’s the next best thing to being
emotionally exhausted. I feel like I should be doing something with my
energy and since I can’t find an emotional outlet I try to burn it off
like calories.

We had a couple of beers before I drove my sister
to the party. Halfway there I veered over the center divider and felt
like I bumped into something, I veered back and a  second later I
felt another bump.

Later they told me I had crossed over the divider and hit a van
transporting senior citizens.

When they asked the driver of
the van why he didn’t get out of my way he said, “She was veering off
to the side of the road where there wasn’t any railing. I let her hit
me so she wouldn’t drive off that cliff.”

I don’t feel cold
anymore. I ride my bike around campus in shorts and simulate a 0� Wind
Chill, but it doesn’t make a difference. I forgot my keys and had to
ride back and forth across campus, bit I enjoyed it because when I
ride my bike I feel like a kid again – real happy and all.

Note to
Self: Bikes are made to transport One Person. One. I’ve tried riding
on a bike with two people and I nearly killed them when I had to stop
suddenly and they flew off the handlebars.

Learning things like this makes me just a little more depressed
than I should be. Being a white-male I was rather perturbed that
suicide is about 60 times more likely for me than girls I know. 

In Other News:

– I’ve taken to attending Alcohol Abuse and Eating
Disorder Seminars on Campus

– When I take showers I can hear the
water hitting my skull, from the inside. Maybe this is normal, but it
never seemed this loud to me before

– All my pants (One pair) are
too big for me. I have to hold my pants at the belt when I walk around
for fear that they might fall off. I must look like one of those Jnco
kids from 4 years ago.

– That girl in my GPSYC class (The One with
the powder blue shirt and straight brown hair)  had caught my
attention, until she turned around and I saw the huge Tattoo on her
lower back which resembled the Blue Cross/Blue Shield Insurance Logo

– Steve has the Hanta Virus

– Please send me pants

Leave A Comment »

War

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

This is the most tired I’ve ever been while writing.
I’ve had approximately 5 Hours of Sleep in 48 Hours, yet, I wouldn’t
trade this weekend for an autographed picture of Bruce Willis
himself.

�

Notice: Cocky.

I went to bed this morning at 4:45 after the best
night ever (Undisclosed Events), and woke up to play GB for 2 hours.
Did I mention that it was snowing? Went to assorted malls/stores on�
a search for PS2 Games, but mostly ended up playing Star Wars at the
Arcade. I Lounged for Lunch with PJ while sipping some Coffee and
talking about how that lucky bastard has all the ladies he could
ever want.

—————————————————-

I bought a pound of black licorice and two boxes of
cereal. Why? Nothing goes better with Cereal than� a chewy
piece of sugar stick.

�

“What is the best April Fools Prank You’ve Pulled?”
�
“I framed someone for a hate crime.”

Alas, the chance is gone now.

In Other News:

– Site Reached 10,000 Hits sometime yesterday.

– No one should drink anything that’s alcoholic and
black. There was probably motor oil in there.

– Harv, it took us a while to find it, but the end
result was golden.

– I tape recorded a 21 minute message to myself at
2:56 AM. Psycho!

– Religious Experience in the Car

�

�

And still I see no changes can’t a brother get a little peace
It’s more on the streets than war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty they got a war on drugs
so the police can bother me
And I ain’t never did a crime I ain’t have to do
�

Leave A Comment »

Halloween Costume

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

As I Write This Raiders of the Lost Ark is on
TV….Inspiration?

Ok, the Daily Update is a little
late, but hey, I was a little busy.� Rarely does my Computer Away
Time amount to more than 8 Hours, let alone 2 Days. The Best God Damn
Two Days since…..um……Three Months Ago I would say.

Time Spent Lonely����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������
Becomes Time Spent Alone

I’ve never felt so good
about coughing up a lung before. Too bad I can never go lower than a
Black and Gold, nothing else will cut it. I’M ADDICTED! I really do
need that Cigarette Case.

�

 Who say’s randomly staring at the ground like a
psycho is wrong?� Searching the Festival Parking lot with a
group of these psychos has resulted in the discovery of one
“smashed” cellphone, which was properly returned to the owner.
The Result: One Dollar of PURE Profit.

*Yes, I wrote a note on
the Bill reminding me why I was saving it.

Too bad I wasted the Dollar Binging on Easter Candy
that I will end up giving away.

—————————————————–

A
Night at Calhoun’s was used to Discuss “The Ladies” and other sordid
topics. Apparently I’m not to know some special secret between my
suitemates though. Hey, It’s probably something I don’t want to know,
i.e. C.H.U.D. Sexual Behavior or Crohn’s Disease amongst the people
that live here.

I’m thinking of uploading one of the
Tapes I use to record my daily thoughts since I enjoy listening to
them myself. I bet I’m one of a select few people that can listen to
themselves on tape and and have no idea what the Hell I’m talking
about. If I cant understand me, how can I expect others to?

Today’s Tape Recorded Thoughts:

– ISAT Major = Pendulum
Science.

– Shadow Prices on a Curve! A Curve! Oh, the
Humanity. You know you’re insane when you actually want to learn more
math than your professor. He didn’t take kindly to my question about
Relevant Feasibility either.

– Spilled Easter Eggs
looking for a Lighter

——————————————————-

Dunhill’s v. Nat Sherman’s

Diagnosis: Nat Sherman’s by
3 Horse Lengths

Prognosis: Severe Coughing, followed by
pleasant sense of fatigue

——————————————————-

In Other News:

– Mix CD for a Medium Length Car Trip

– I Should Tell My Parents I’m Going To Jersey, I feel I owe it to
them

– Miles Goodman – Best. Composer. Ever. (For the
Next 2 Hours)

– Master of Managerial Accounting. Master
of No Studying?

– Saturday Class = Better than Normal

The Quote of the Update (From my Tape Recorder)


“Note to Self – New Halloween Costume: Youngest Holocaust Survivor
Ever. “

Come on, All I need is some filthy rags
and to lose 5 More Pounds.

Leave A Comment »

Ghost Me

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

Beckett finally settled down in Paris in 1937. Shortly thereafter,
he was stabbed in the street by a man who had approached him asking
for money. He would learn later, in the hospital, that he had a
perforated lung. After his recovery, he went to visit his assailant in
prison. When asked why he had attacked Beckett, the prisoner replied
“Je ne sais pas, Monsieur”, a phrase hauntingly reminiscent of some of
the lost and confused souls that would populate the writer’s later
works.

I swear to God, If I could be one tenth of what Samuel
Beckett was I could die a happy man.

Changing the Fish Tank Water must frighten  my fish. A huge
tube sucks out all the water you live in and scrapes around in the
blue gravel.  It’s got to be equivalent to a 5 on the 
Fujita Scale of Tornado Intensity.

You’ll notice my unworthy praise to Beckett in the Upper Right Hand
Corner.

Did you know Dukes has Quesadilla’s? They look pretty tasty, well,
tasty to people who enjoy food.

Today’s Featured Item:

I found this on Amazon.com weeks ago in my daily rummaging and it
has haunted my dreams ever since that day.

I thought of buying it for someone I know (Yes, I know Someone),
but realized that would be the equivalent of handing over my immortal
soul to Satan himself.

Maybe someday they will come out with a version of The Lord of
the Rings that is Narrated by James Earl Jones – That would be Hot
because James Earl Jones is James Earl Jones. Plus, he would be
reading The Lord of the Rings.

Oh, on a side note, that David Bowie CD is under 8 bucks.

Alright you sack-fed muck wompets, here is what you came for – the
hilarious or frightening picture of the day:

This is Funny Because:

a) Slimer is drinking

b) Slimer is vomiting

c) Slimer is vomiting on another person

d) The vomitee is wearing Abercrombie and Fitch (presumably)

e) Frat Boys getting vomited on is Hilarious. You know it, I know
it, and the American people know it.

Ray Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that
we really haven’t had a successful test of this equipment.
Egon Spengler: I blame myself.
Peter Venkman: So do I.
Ray Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.
Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed
nuclear accelerator on his back.

Rest In Peace Bill Murray. He’s not dead? What?
Dammit people, keep me informed.

I have fond memories of watching Bill Murray in
Ghostbusters.

Leave A Comment »

Darth Toga

Posted in Random on April 3rd, 2003 by admin

I have to write down this dream because it was so weird:

I dreamt I had a Spiderman like ability to leap great distances and
land without breaking my shins like popsicle sticks.  I was in my
Old Elementary School and could run up and down the hallways about 45
times faster than anyone else, which meant I could outrun teachers.
Boo to the Yah.

That red face paint I had on last night seems to be spreading to other
parts of my body. I woke up and thought I kicked one of the nails in
my wall with my left thigh because there was some crazy drip of red
paint on my leg. Interestingly, there used to be a nail in the wall
right next to my bed which I ended up gouging myself on while
sleeping. I thought I was developing spot-bleeding and my bed looked
like I was using it for torture.  That explains all those dreams
about being stabbed to death by really flat, white, and concrete
criminals.

———————————————-

News for Nerds:

– Star Wars DVD’s = 16.4 Gigs – Now I have an excuse to buy a 
DVD Burner

This was the Prophet who Foresaw such Fortuitous Events.

I WANT YOU!

To burn my DVD’s Illegally and then watch them
without the express written consent of George Lucas.

 

———————————————-

In Other News:

– Luke Walton: I hate you.

– Kate and Clarissa are our pseudo Suitemates/Freeloaders

– Riechers Returns after Meth Binge in Fairfax

– IRS Refund = Computer Hardware

– I’m being invited to a Toga Party Right Now. What the Hell?

——————————————————————-

Random quote:

Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.

Homer: Ooo, that’s bad.

Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!

Homer: That’s good!

Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.

Homer: That’s bad.

Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!

Homer: That’s good!

Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate…

Homer: (confused look) Old man: That’s bad.

Homer: Can I go now?

Leave A Comment »

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