Cork on the Fork

You know children don’t like you when you’re shopping and this
happens:

Me: “Hey, what does this do that’s cool?” (I point to a toy
sword)

Kid: “……..” (Hits me in the gut with the aforementioned
sword)

Me: (After getting back up), “Thanks.”

And people wonder
why I don’t enjoy children…..

——————————————–

Eye contact was never
something I was good at, and now I know why. Just looking at someone
like that makes me feel way to vulnerable, and I can’t control myself.

My Fascination with Queen continues. “Under Pressure” is the song du
jour and I can’t get the “give love, give love” line out of my head.
It’s a shame all the really good musicians die early, while the really
crappy ones seem to be immune to Death’s Cold Grip.

Chris Riechers: “Yanni wouldn’t be half as creepy if he didn’t toss
his hair every ten seconds.”

Click

here for a Directory of Dead
Musicians

Special Regards go out to Nick Drake. He was
only 26, but had completed 5 albums. Trust me, his work influenced a
lot of what you listen to.

I’ve never walked so far in
a sustained wind in my life. I swear to God, this was a 35 Mile per
Hour sustained wind. My hat blew off under a car and
when I went after it I was hoping the driver wouldn’t see me, but
alas, today was not my day and I lived to tell about it.

Coffee tastes like dirt to me, but I’m growing fonder
of it. I started out with Hot Chocolate, moved to Cappucino, first
sweetened then unsweetened, and now I’m drinking Regular with
Lightener. I never get Caffeine highs though, at least I don’t think I
do. 

Contribution Margins are why the Airlines are
struggling. Fixed Costs are too high, but what the hell are you going
to do with a 45 Million Dollar Jet?

Also, I don’t
approach people often because I don’t feel I have anything to offer
them. I associate no value with myself, and I just can’t understand
why anyone would voluntarily interact with me.  That’s why I
recoil when  touched.  Do people honestly believe they have
a trait or characteristic that sets them  head and shoulders
above other people? I want to believe I have something like that, but
I don’t know what it is.

In Other News:

– Mmmmmm, Frosted Wheat

– Riding a train to work? Kind
of like Shining Time Station with Chemical Weapons

– Pants, for the love of God. A belt, A belt! My Kingdom for a Belt!

And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves

It seems like I always get yelled at on major holidays. And as much
as I hate to say it, I’m fairly alarmed here. That doesn’t give me the
hopeful feeling I’m supposed to have on days like that, but what the
hell. Bitching is not the answer, and I have only a couple days to
prepare for Presidents Day, so time is of the essence. I plan on
locking myself in my room and disconnecting the Phone and Ethernet
lines as well as hiding under my blanket.

Next on the Agenda:

Pants! I have Pants! And a belt to match. In
fact, it even fits!

I spent hours today with two and possibly three
people that mean a lot to me. Movies, Dinner, Shopping, Illicit
activities, Stabbing, and Nudity were all there. I spent 7 Dollars,
that’s right…7 Dollars on Cigarettes I never plan to smoke, but hope
to encase in a silver casket, which I will use to freak the bejesus
out of passers by. Black and Golds even look like James Bond would
smoke them.

Oh,
and have I mentioned that I’m a different person than I was a month
ago.

I feel like I’ve been abused the last few weeks and now I finally
have the nerve to stand up and say “You’re Fucking Nuts!” and get on
with my life. (Also, that was my first use of profanity on
CorkontheFork.com)

I swear to God, I’ve never felt so bad and so
good in one day. I must have spent 4 hours driving today, here and
there, and everywhere in between. I have books to read, People to talk
to, and Events to attend.

In Other News:

– Electric Nachos?

– I
reiterate what a mistake it was to invent the telephone

– Does
anyone know where I can get a silver Cigarette Case and/or Matching
Flask?

– Get Ready Stevo, the Arm is Golden and I finally have
freedom to give me strength.

You’re Clearly
Insane.

Once Again, I wake up to SNOW, SNOW SNOW!

If you have never
walked to a party in white-out conditions during a blizzard, I highly
recommend it.

All Aboard the Pain Train!

Acceptable Circumstances
for the “I’m never speaking to you again” Line:

– Someone has
brutally murdered your parents

– You’ve been betrayed in the
Revolutionary War by your closest friend

– Someone has framed you
for a Hate Crime

– You’ve been sent to death row as an innocent man after taking the
fall for someone else

– Genital Mutilation

– Your Brother steals
your Fianc�e

Anything less than this is what I like to refer to as
MELODRAMATIC!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

————————————————————-

All in All, The Night Was Good to Me. Oh, I wish to
share these pictures as well:

This is all for Jerry Timbrook – do
not send me Hate Mail

Ok, everyone douse your eyes with whatever abrasive chemicals you
can find!

In any case, these pictures tell me two things:

1) Harv
is not gay, at least, not entirely.

2) Jerry is trying very hard to
be “not-gay”, and it is beginning to show.

Note: I do not appear in
Pics because I am antisocial.

In Other News:

– PJ Returns from NC Birthday Extravaganza
(Frisbee and Heroin)

– I feel as Giddy as a School Boy

– I’m going
to model my Life after Dickens most eponymous Character

– Common
Sense Will Prevail

�Common sense and a sense
of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of
humor is just common sense, dancing.

– Clive James

***Important Update***

SNOWSTORM KILLS
50!

Alright People, Snow is Well and Good, but now the
heat in our building is broken.

Our windows are frozen
over with condensed water, and all contact has been severed with the
outside world. Doors are blocked by Wandering, Towering Snowdrifts and
cannibalism has begun to creep into our minds.

On the
plus side, My meager stature has eliminated me from the Possible
Cannibalism List, so I am safe for the moment.

Me:
“Seal the Suite! Lest we all freeze to death!”

PJ: “I
hunger for Human Flesh!”

Me: “Hey Jerry, Come over
here. PJ Wants you.”

————————————————

Google
Image Search for Cannibalism:

Save us Jeebus!

He who eats my flesh and drinks my
blood abides in me, and I in him. 

    
– John 6:55

I think this Picture accurately describes the weekend:

Of course, this photograph was mainly a result of my inability to
control the flash on my camera, but hey, it got the job done.

I’m glad I own a tape recorder.� Today I got a quote on tape that
helped me put things in� perspective, and now I can listen to it
whenever I start to feel a little nutty.

————————————————–

UREC
almost killed me today. Stevo and I played the most hardcore game of
racquetball ever and my arm still hurts. And I lost both games.
However, the day was salvaged because I managed to deflect a
racquetball going about 80 MPH into Steve’s nose, which might sound
serious, but was really just funny.

Racquetball
Injuries –

– Eye Shot, resulted in partial blindness in left eye
for 2 days

– Nose Shot, resulted in constant sneezing
and nasal soreness

– Ear Shot, resulted in “Red Ear”

– Cheek Shot, resulted in hilarious red circle on face

– Mouth Shot, resulted in hilarious red circle around mouth (Yeah,
think about it)

– Neck Shot (Ball Hit Windpipe),
resulted in bleeding throat

– Tooth Shot, resulted in
general mouth soreness and gum bleeding

Oh, and most
importantly the Testicle Shot. Now, neither I nor Steve have actually
been hit by a racquetball in this man region but we have both come
close. I have actually pulverized this area with my own racquet by
accident, and let me tell you – It is not fun. I actually fell to my
knees and remained there until I could regain partial consciousness,
but let the records show – Racquetball Play Continued. It is bigger
than us all.

——————————————–

In Other
News:

– No Yogurt

– 129 Ibs – New Record
– Approaching True Emaciation

– Must Regain Interest in
Food

– Vic Mackey? Hero? Sp?

���������
��� Pedophile: What’re this… playing a game of
‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’?
Vic Mackey: Good cop, bad cop left for today. I’m a whole different
kind of cop.

Note: Vic Mackey is cool, but he’s no Harry Callahan.

Now That’s Clint.

“Turtles can’t scream , Jackass.”

Best. Condescending Statement. Ever.

Today is
Victoria’s Secret Catalog Day

(After Approaching a
Random Girl)

Me: “Is today Victoria’s Secret Catalog
Day?”

Girl: “I guess so.”

Me: “Can I
have yours?”

Girl: “No.”

Me: “Damn.”

Keep in mind, I’m wearing shorts in 30� weather and my “Rape” Mask.

�

You know who else forced unwilling subjects into small
rooms to be experimented upon? Exactly, so why do I have to do it? I
took a test on Depression today for a GPSYC Subject Pool thing.
Booyah! Viva La France! I knew all the answers.

My arm
burns from serving a racquetball a thousand times in 4 days, at 130
MPH a piece. I can’t use that hand anymore. I tried to pickup a drink
and it started vibrating uncontrollably, so I just gave up.

In Other News:

– Egg Bagels, I need soft food!

– New Jersey for Break?

– PJ/Paul Urine Excretion
Discussion?

– Anyone up for a Board Game?

We shall not capitulate… no never. We may be destroyed, but if we
are, we shall drag a world with us… a world in flames.